I know I'm the only one who can answer this, but I think it's helpful to talk and hear feedback, so hear me out. I find guys physically attractive, and I enjoy fantasising about them, but I feel uncomfortable actually being with them. I can imagine the ideal guy I'd like to be with, but no guy will ever live up to those ideals. I dated someone recently who was about as close to that ideal as anyone could get. I really enjoyed his company, and we became very close, but I was never interested in being more than friends. When he tried to touch or kiss me, it felt uncomfortable, like when is this going to be over. I just couldn't reciprocate his feelings. I've dated several other guys, and it's always the same - I am never interested in intimacy or a relationship, no matter how much I enjoy their company. Despite being able to imagine my 'perfect' guy, it never translates into real life. I like the idea of being with a man better than the reality. It didn't occur to me that I might like girls until I was 18/19. I'm 24 now and came out to my friends as pansexual (with a preference for girls) almost two years ago. I remember first having feelings for girls starting when I was around 12, through middle and high school. I didn't recognise it at the time and kind of pushed those thoughts to the back of my head because I was so convinced that I'd be more interested in guys as I got older. Besides, I was busy focusing on school and my other interests. Sure, my friends would talk about boys they liked, but I never understood the big deal about them and kind of just played along to fit in. Sexuality and dating just didn't become a priority for me until I started university, when a guy first asked me out, and I finally got thinking about who I liked. When I think about girls, there is no impossible ideal. I like them for who they are and don't overanalyse faults or flaws or hold them to such an impossible standard. It's just more real. I've never had a proper relationship with a girl, so this is just based on how I feel. I have briefly dated a girl, though we weren't suited. I also had feelings for one of my friends and felt such intense butterflies upon discovering that she felt similarly, even though nothing came of it (due to unrelated circumstances). I know dreams don't necessarily reflect reality, but I've had loads of dreams (sexual and not) where I'm in a relationship with a girl. It always feels so nice, like something I want. I've never had similar dreams about guys. I like thinking about both guys and girls who I find attractive, but in reality, I'm only really interested in dating girls. I know there should be no rush or need to label oneself, but I would like to identify as something. I feel homoflexible fits me best at this point, but I don't feel 100% gay or like my attraction to guys is significant enough to identify as bi or pansexual. I'd be happiest with a girl, but if the perfect guy magically showed up, I would date him. I'm like mostly gay and incidentally not - that's a thing right? Should I just say I'm gay, even if I do have a small interest in guys? Or am I actually gay and just holding onto the expectations society has ingrained in me? Part of me wants to know my sexuality for certain right now, and another part of me doesn't want to rush into labeling myself. At least it's nice to talk it through with strangers on the internet, right? (I am aware of the Kinsey scale, but people in real life (especially if they're not queer) aren't going to know what a Kinsey 5 is. Yes, it's helpful to understand your own sexuality, but it doesn't seem like a practical way to describe your sexuality to others without some big long spiel about what the Kinsey scale even is.)
I don't really have any advice for you about what to identify as, but I am going through almost the exact same thing right now, so you are not alone!
I feel the same way. In that I have minor attraction to guys but its so mild that finding a guy that I could conceivably be with is highly unlikely. But, with women I'm constantly finding them attractive in spite of their flaws. I like the idea of sex with a guy but in actuality I probably would never enjoy it because I seem to be incapable of developing emotional connections with the men that I know. Both you and I seem to identify as roughly Kinsey 5's, and for me I find it easiest to identify as lesbian or mostly lesbian because I most likely will never be in a long term relationship with a guy. I'm just more attracted to women. I have trace attraction to men but sometimes I wonder if that's simply remnants of compulsory heterosexuality but you know who knows? We love who we love ,end of story.
Yes! I'm beginning to wonder if I only find guys attractive because I spent so long assuming I was straight and forcing myself to find something to like about them. I only find guys with long hair attractive (who look more androgynous), and even then, I'm extremely picky. My ideal guy probably doesn't exist. My attraction to girls feels much stronger and more natural. I don't have to think too much about it - I just know it when I feel it. At the end of the day, I just want to love and be loved by someone. I'm beginning to identify more as gay, which only makes me feel happier and freer. Identifying as pansexual somehow felt more restricting, and labels shouldn't feel like that.
I know you said you're wary of rushing into labels but you sound pretty gay. You said that you enjoy male company and thinking about them, but the thought of kissing and touching them is a huge turn off. You said you would date 'the perfect guy' but your track record of dating men sounds pretty platonic and friend-like. It does sound to me like that's just societal expectations stuck in your mind. You sound much more comfortable being with women. I think it's funny too but people seem to think that recognizing someone is attractive or liking the way they look means you're 'attracted' to them. I can recognize when dogs, children, men, and lawn furniture is attractive. That doesn't mean I'm in any way sexually attracted to them! This may not necessarily be the case for you but I think it happens for a number of people. If labeling yourself feels too scary or not quite right yet, just let it rest. But clearly you prefer women, so just try to seek that out for a while. If it makes you happy and you realize you're gay,great! If it makes you happy but you still feel attraction to men, great there too! I think you just need to explore things a bit more to confirm it. It's hard to come to terms with who you are
I would say I'm mostly gay, as I do have some attractions to women but probably not enough to act on them.
