1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Am I a lesbian? I need some help

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by A7n5n0a7b1e3l, Aug 5, 2015.

  1. A7n5n0a7b1e3l

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2015
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Va
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm teenage (female) and for quite a few years now I've been questioning my sexuality. Sorry this is long but all the details are important. If you read the whole thing I thank you. This is hard for me to say so here it goes...
    When I was growing up I was always a huge tomboy, I wore boys clothing and did everything my friends did(all guys), although I had a slight obsession with Barbie dolls but, mainly their bodies.
    When I turned 12 I started to realize that I was rather intreaged by women's bodies. I couldn't keep my eyes away from boobs, it was becoming a slight problem because I just wanted to stare at boobs all day. (I had an incredibly beautiful substitute teacher and I didn't pay much attention to her class because her boobs were practically falling out of her shirt and she had a gorgeous curvy body.
    When I was 13 I started watching porn, at first it was strait porn but, it didn't do anything for me(I watched the women the entire time anyways). after a few times watching straight I tried out lesbian porn and oh my gosh it opened up this new incredible world for me and I was mesmerized. It did a whole lot for me and let's just say that I got incredibly far when thinking about a women.
    Then there was this girl in my math class, she had long blond hiar and freckles. I developed this major crush on her, I always wanted to talk to her and be around her. I was very shy and would turn bright red whenever she talked to me. This is when I started thinking that I was probably a lesbian.
    So one night I was at a sleepover and I tried to tell my friend that I was a lesbian but, she completely shot me down and changed the subject.
    After that I just tried to move on and convince myself that it was just a phase and that maybe I just wanted to look like these girls (I've always been petite). When I was 14 I decided that I needed to get a boyfriend because that's what everyone else was doing. It didn't feel right to me but I knew I had to so I chose a guy that I knew was safe, I chose a guy who was gay although he wasn't out yet but I have a pretty good sense for this stuff and it only lasted two weeks. After this however I decided that I was strait because I had to be, no one seemed to accept people otherwise and everyone made jokes regarding gay people.
    I think that I had convinced myself that I was strait for about a year. I had another boyfriend in that time but it only lasted a week. I would still stare a women's bodies and watch lesbian porn but I didn't think anything of it.
    Then I had this one boyfriend, he was horrible. He abused me both physically and verbally, I was terrified of him. Then one day her was being oddly kind. I found out why latter that night. He raped me. I can remember it in too much detail and it truly haunts me. I was diagnosed with PTSD. After this I started to go back to thinking about girls in a more sexual manner. I have always thought that I would settle down with a girl but then I thought that people didn't like it so I suppressed it. I don't think that the night I was raped made me a lesbian but I don't know, could it have. Most of my friends a still guys and I don't think they are horrible beings I'm just not sexually atracted to them. The thought of being with a man always made me feel sick and when it was forced into it I was completely horrifyed. I don't find men's body's attractive like the way I find women's but I can still think that they have an attractive face but I am repulsed by there parts(no offense intended). I'm just confused and scared and I just need someone to help me understand.
     
  2. EastCoastGrl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2015
    Messages:
    86
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    I can't speak to the trauma inflicted by rape, as I have no experience with that issue and wouldn't want to say anything incorrect.

    It does seem as if you were having feelings for women before the rape. I know that my attraction to women began when I was a teenager, so I can relate to what you are saying. It sounds as if you are attracted to women and are certainly bisexual or maybe a lesbian.

    I am a lesbian and the thought of being with a man in a sexual way, repulses me. I don't dislike men, I simple belong with a woman.

    You've been able to date boys, so perhaps you are bi?

    One thing I can tell you is the feelings inside you are a product of who you are. Nothing is wrong with you and you deserve to love whomever you need to love to be happy.

    Try to be patient with yourself and do not put too much pressure on yourself. Don't be scared. Many of us have walked the road you're on and currently live full and happy lives.
     
  3. troubleshooter

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2015
    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NJ
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yeah, I have to say you sound completely and totally lesbian! You've been telling us that you felt attraction to women from a very young age, even a fixation on the female body. You've also described that you've never had any sexual attraction to men, and in fact have felt a revulsion toward them--even before being hurt. That is essentially the definition of a lesbian. *hugs* I'm also very sorry you were raped, that's traumatic no matter your sexuality. Since you described yourself being very well...gay from a young age, I don't think the attack had any affect on your sexuality. It would be one thing if you were questioning your sexuality only after that, but like I said, you were questioning it for years before that anyway. And have you been getting counseling for this? Are your parents helping you? How old are you by the way honey? Feel free to message me if you ever need help with this. It's ok to be scared and confused about your sexuality, and it's even harder when you've been hurt. But from all you've said, I think it's pretty clear you are a lesbian. There's nothing wrong with that. It can be a good life. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Leifa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2015
    Messages:
    162
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Buffalo
    Hi there... welcome to EC. It's been a great place for me... To answer you're question from everything you said yes, it does sound like you are a lesbian to me but ultimately only you can know who you truly are. Be you even if it's tough is my advice... It's worth it to be who you are. Suppressing it really sucks.

    On the other thing... I can't relate exactly or fully understand but I can form a few connections. I was abused growing up, physically, sexually, emotionally by multiple people. I was never raped...(that I know of..I have some blanks in my memory) but it happened to my first girlfriend... I'm sorry that happened to you. *hugs* I really am... I know that doesn't mean much but if you need anything :frowning2:
     
  5. Spartan 117

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2014
    Messages:
    964
    Likes Received:
    539
    Location:
    Isle of Wight, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't believe that your attack 'made' you a lesbian either. Your sexuality is a part of you, and you say that you experienced attraction towards girls before your rape. It's my belief that abuse like this doesn't change your sexual orientation - but it can certainly alter the way you think about sex. It sounds to me like you hadn't fully come to terms with your own sexuality before being subjected to this horrific trauma, and it's no wonder that you feel confused and afraid now.

    I will say that you're not alone - we've had people ask very similar questions in the past, and the consensus has always been the same: your sexual orientation can't be 'changed' by an event - even one as traumatic as this. If you feel like a lesbian, you were probably going to feel that way no matter what. This is backed up by your previous experiences.

    Attraction towards women is perfectly natural. :slight_smile: If you are lesbian, you may well feel a revulsion towards sex with a man. This is also normal, however your sexual assault may certainly have added to the feeling.

    I think you have to be patient with yourself when it comes to your sexuality. It's natural to doubt yourself after all you've been through. You don't have to rush into labeling yourself right away. My advice for now, is to follow your heart towards whatever, and whoever, makes you happy. Whoever that may be, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
     
  6. Cynders

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2015
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Agreeing with the comments above me, I think it's quite possible your a lesbian/bi.
    As someone else said, I don't want to speak about the rape trauma since I don't know much on the subject but it seemed like you were attracted to women before that happened, and it wouldn't 'make you a lesbian', since orientation is basically coded into you.

    On the other hand, it's possible the attack may of made you more weary around men, which is totally normal after something as awful as that, but like I mentioned early it sounded like the attraction towards females was existent long before that.

    So in the end it's really only you who can know if you are a lesbian, bisexual, anything else. You know yourself more then we ever could, and if you are attracted to females, don't let anybody tell you that's wrong.
     
    #6 Cynders, Aug 5, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2015