1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Am I gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by india99, Aug 5, 2015.

  1. india99

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    So for the past five years or so, I've been really unsure of my sexual orientation. This started when I was in 5th grade and I noticed that all of my friends had "crushes" on guys in my class and I never really experienced that. I mean, I could tell when a guy was attractive and had a good personality and would sometimes fake (and even convince myself) that I liked him, but I never really felt anything super strong, like some of my friends did.

    Then, when I was in middle school, I was really close with my best friend (who was a girl). I always wanted to hug her or just be close to her and talk to her and she was on my mind all the time. Every time she so much as texted me, I got super excited and couldn't keep myself from smiling. When she got a boyfriend, I cried for 2 weeks straight. Our friendship never grew past anything platonic though, because I always kept some distance to keep her from suspecting that I liked her as more than a friend.

    I have had a few other situations like this since then, where I have really sought attention and approval and physical contact from some of my friends who are girls, even ones who I am more like acquaintances with. But I've always been so concerned with not letting on that I feel this way about them, because I have been worried I would lose the relationship I do have with them. The confusing thing is, though, that I haven't really thought about any of them in a sexual way. Like I've never had sexual fantasies about them or anything, but when they so much as hug me, I feel all warm and happy. And as far as attraction to men goes, I've never felt the way about a guy that I have towards some of my girl friends. I've liked guys as people and thought that they are attractive, but never been attracted to them, if that makes sense.

    One of the biggest reasons I am so confused about sexual orientation is because I've had no sexual experience whatsoever, so I don't really know if I would like to kiss a girl or kiss a guy or be in a relationship with one. The only indicator I really have is the feelings I have towards some of my friends who are girls, and I feel like I can't really pursue a relationship with a girl unless I come out as something not straight because everyone in my life assumes that I am straight.
     
  2. waltzing

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2015
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hey, I'm pretty much on the same boat! I think the term "sexual orientation" can often be faulty exactly because of stuff like that. I figured out that I liked girls in a physical way by the time of my first crush and I didn't really have sexual feelings regarding her until some while later, but in this meantime, I would want to kiss her so bad. I just really wanted this closeness but not necessarily a full on sexual involvement, which I think is kind of what you feel towards your friends when you want to hug them or be close to them all the time. Being sexually attracted doesn't always involve wanting to hop into bed with someone at first sight (which is why kids have crushes before even knowing what sex is).

    Only you can tell, though. I hope it goes well for you!
     
  3. troubleshooter

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2015
    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NJ
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm going to guess you're 15-16 since your name says 99. You're still young, and feeling like this is normal for lots of kids. It certainly sounds like you've had some inclinations toward girls, and not really any toward boys. Just because you've never had any kisses or sexual experience doesn't mean that you won't be able to figure out your sexuality (although they do sometimes help!). Also, many people start relationships or go on some dates before they officially come out. There's nothing wrong with that.

    Does your school have a GSA? Or any resources at all for LGBT kids? If not, there's always the site. Just think about how you feel, and don't feel guilty about feeling a little excited if female friends hug you or anything. It's not like you're trying to covertly touch them inappropriately or anything. And maybe if you want to get some support from friends, test the waters by mentioning LGBT (particularly lesbian, because people will react differently to men vs. women when it comes to being gay) issues. Do your friends respond positively and supportive Are the neutral? Mocking or nasty? If they're supportive, maybe pick the most supportive and discreet friend, and say you think you might like girls. You do have to take to heart that this is a risk, but I assume you won't do it unless you think this friend will be supportive and not spread it around. Coming out or looking for dates or anything at your age also depends a lot on your parents, but you didn't mention them. Just be patient with yourself and it will reveal itself honey.
     
  4. india99

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    @troubleshooter yeah, I am in high school, and my school does have a GSA and a lot of community support for LGBT teens. I live in a pretty liberal and accepting town, and although I think some of my less close friends would be uncomfortable at first with me not being straight, I don't think they would really care all that much. My close friends and my parents are all very supportive of LGBT issues, which is nice to know.

    I think the person who is most uncomfortable with my sexuality is myself. It's weird because if any of my friends or family members ever came out to me, I would be completely supportive of it, but I can't seem to feel the same way about the possibility of me being gay. I just really have a hard time seeing a future for myself with a woman, but I think this has a lot to do with popular movies and books and stuff only really featuring straight couples, and I guess that's just always how I pictured my own future. Another thing that has been difficult for me is that I wouldn't really fit in with any of the lesbians that I do know. All of the lesbians at my school and who I know as friends of my parents are kind of less feminine, I guess (I am really sorry if this sounds judgmental or stereotypical), but I've always liked wearing dresses and make up and having long hair, and I feel like I would be out of place as a lesbian.

    I did come out (kind of) to one of my friends who I am not super close with but I know she is really supportive of LGBT, and I could only bring myself to tell her via text. I basically told her that I think I'm either bi or gay, but I really don't think I'm straight. She was fine with it and basically said, "Ok cool. Thanks for telling me," but that was it and we haven't really talked about it since. I'm glad she's not making a big deal out of it, but I also just really wanted someone to talk to. Right now, I feel like I'm stuck in neutral. I guess I've come out to myself as at least not being straight, which was a big step, and I told my friend, but now I'm just kind of stuck here, not knowing what to do next.

    Thanks for your help!

    ---------- Post added 6th Aug 2015 at 12:53 PM ----------

    @waltzing I've felt the same way about the majority of my crushes! I had never really thought about sexual orientation as also being not sexual in a way, so that really made some things clearer for me. Thanks for your help and I hope things go well for you as well!
     
  5. waltzing

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2015
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Are you familiar with butch/femme dynamics? You might just fit in as a femme! None of these two archetypes are particularly right for me but they work as a charm for a lot of lesbian girls and if you feel so strongly about make up and dresses and long hair, it could be your thing and help you come to terms with your identity. I'm glad I could help!
     
  6. troubleshooter

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2015
    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NJ
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's really great that you live in a supportive community and have family and friends that are good about it too. :slight_smile: I have to agree with you though that even if you're fine with someone else being gay...it's a different story admitting it yourself! It took me until I was in my early 20s to do that, even though signs and things had been there for years. Be patient with yourself, and you'll likely get more comfortable as time goes on.

    In terms of the lesbians in your school, well that's not stereotypical if you're talking about real people! You don't have to fit in with kids who are also LGBT. I have friends who are of all sexual orientations and we get along because we have things in common, not necessarily sexuality. And like it was said, you're just a femme, or "lipstick lesbian". The only thing that makes someone gay is wanting to have sex with/being attracted to people of the same sex. Everything else is just assumptions and stereotypes. All three girls I've been with are quite feminine and wear dresses/skirts or make-up and most people wouldn't think they were gay. Also, many other lesbians are specifically attracted to women who are very feminine like you (obviously I'm in that category!). And there are some couples who are one butch and one femme, two butches, two femmes, or people in between, and all mixes of those presentations.

    I hope we hear from you as time goes on as you continue on this path of self-discovery. :slight_smile:
     
    #6 troubleshooter, Aug 6, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2015
  7. A7n5n0a7b1e3l

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2015
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Va
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It defiantly sounds like you are gay. I totally understand how you feel. There is a possibility that you are asexual homoromantic. I think that it will just take some time and deep thinking to figure yourself out because really you are the only person that truly knows you.