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Third-party Opinion?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by abicuriousguy, Aug 5, 2015.

  1. abicuriousguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I decided to do a write up about my thoughts and actions to figure out my sexuality. I am a 20 year old male. I've only been with 1 girl 1 time, and the rest of my information should be below:

    THOUGHTS
    -Growing up: very attracted to girls, but had a strong want to fool around with a close male friend (never did), never considered romantic relations with guys
    -Now: attracted to both, more attracted to men sexually (at least in my fantasies), sometimes notice guys in real life and think they are cute or hot, notice hot girls or want a relationship with a girl at times, thought about a relationship with a guy but am mostly indifferent (not offended but it doesn’t really attract me either), my overall thoughts are mostly on guys (sexually) but spike for girls every so often

    EMOTIONS
    -Mostly emotionally attracted to opposite sex, can form friendship bonds with both, sometimes afraid people can “see through me” after periods of thinking about men, not had a true crush on anyone in a while (not meeting many new women to crush on – in large part because of the low social confidence I feel from my homo thoughts and actions), but growing up all my crushes were to girls

    BEHAVIORS
    -Growing up: fantasized about girls and sometimes about my close male friend, remember getting aroused to pictures of men in underwear and naked men as well as my attractions to women, began watching straight porn (remember sometimes looking at some gay pictures to but not videos) but that slowly changed to gay porn videos
    -Now: not many fantasies about girls – mostly about guys (most likely an infatuation with my curiosity), strictly watch full-blown gay porn, like looking for other curious guys on craigslist or a gay app, have sexted and sent erotic pictures (and received) to other men over a gay app and enjoyed them, but I re-think my behaviors after I “get off” and have never gone through with experimenting with a guy (have never had any sexual contact with a guy ever)

    OTHER FACTORS
    -I feel more confident and manly after periods of abstaining from PMO and homo thoughts, I want to stop PMOing and completely stop my homo actions for a while (to see if they continue after I stop 'feeding' them) – but then I get those urges and don’t want to deny what I have a desire to or what I am, I feel like being straight and abstaining is a step in becoming a better me, I want to be straight but I also want to figure out what I really am either way and would be okay with it

    I sometimes want to experiment to see how I feel with a guy but I usually lose some of my urges after "getting off" and I set my goals to stop looking at gay porn or looking for guys (again, to see if I continued to have those thoughts without actively "feeding them"). But then my curiosity comes creeping back and its a bad cycle I am stuck in. Looking for any third-party advice on my sexuality and situation. Thanks much to anyone who can help:slight_smile:
     
  2. Lyana

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2014
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    Location:
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    Hey, abicuriousguy. Welcome to EC.

    I think a significant part of your problem and confusion comes from the fact that you're not comfortable with your attraction to guys, or even the idea of being attracted to guys. Maybe you're even afraid of it. I say this because of the "OTHER FACTORS" part, where you mention feeling "more manly" when you don't have these thoughts. The thing is, being attracted to men is not emasculating.

    Why do you want to be straight? Why would "abstaining" be better for you? You say you would be okay with not being straight, and maybe rationally you think you should be okay with it, but it doesn't sound as if you really would be. You seem defensive when describing your attraction to men.

    I know this may not be helping, because I'm not labelling you as straight, gay, or bi. But I can't. You're the one who can do that, and until you're comfortable with all options, it's going to be very difficult for you to figure yourself out. If you won't allow yourself to be attracted to guys, you will always be confused and in denial.

    There is nothing to be ashamed of.