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Lesbian? Extremely confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by A7n5n0a7b1e3l, Aug 6, 2015.

  1. A7n5n0a7b1e3l

    Regular Member

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    I need someone to help me work through my confusion.
    When I was growing up I'm pretty sure my whole family believed I was a lesbian. I wore only guys clothes and acted more like a boy than most guys my age. Then one of my friends who was a guy told me he liked me. Well, I had never given it much thought but, I figured that I would have to date guys because I was a girl and that's what people did and if you didn't you were instantly pushed into this terrible place where you are alone and discriminated. Well I got into the 6th grade and I started noticing that everyone around me was changing and I started to think about people in a different way. However I never noticed boys the way some of my friends did. I did notice girls though. I don't know if this is because I was very small and petite and wanted to look like these girls or if I wanted to be with these girls. Well my question was answered a little while later when I developed a major crush on one of the girls in my grade. (Still have it today). I tried to tell my friend that I though I was gay one night but she talked over me and changed the subject quickly. I was kinda hurt by this so I hid inside myself.
    One day I was sitting in class (she was there) and I guess I was staring at her and I had been for days. My teacher, who is highly religious and extremely homophobic, pulled my into the hall to have a chat. She told me that what I was thinking was wrong and that I would go to hell. She told me that there were places that I could get help and live a normal life. She told me that she had taken many people there and they now lived "normal" lives with "normal" family's. She let me back into class and handed me a packet explaining my "problem" and where I can go to be "fixed."
    I was extremely offended and hurt. After this I became even more hidden and started to think I was messed up and ill. It took me a while to get over this. I tried so hard to change. At one point I was even convinced that I was strait. But, I would still stare at girls boobs and butts and really every part of them. But in my mind I just dismissed this as something all girls do. A few years latter I had my first boyfriend. He was really more of a friend we would play paintball and stuff like that. But whenever he wanted to hold my hand or touch me in any way I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I liked him I guess but I never liked him like I liked that girl. We only lasted 3 weeks. I was still convinced that I was strait because of what that old teacher had told me. I had forced myself to believe that I was. A year latter I decided that I liked this guy. He was incredibly tall and I'm rather short. I think I liked him because I had had a few years of self destruction under my belt and I needed more. He was deeply into drugs and not a very kind person. I think it was more of a game for me than anything. Well it only lasted a week. I had some pretty horrible moments with him and some things still haunt me. I was by myself for a good couple of months and then this one guy started to hit on me. Well one day he stole my phone and put his number in it. It would have been rude of me to not text him so latter that day I did. He would talk to me and then I guess we were kinda together but he would text me and if I didn't answer right away he would push me around the next day. But he would wait to reply to me for 5 plus hours at a time. Then after a little while he started to get really abusive both physically and verbally. I was scared of him and I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore but I was too terrified to get out of it. Then it happened. He raped me. It was the worst night of my life. I have always been horrified of getting physical with a guy. I am repulsed my male genitalia so this was incredibly horrific for me, as I expect it would be for anyone. I never told anyone. He broke two of my ribs and a few fingers. I was covered in bruises, even around my neck. I had to wear scarves for a week.
    I have always had a problem with depression, anxiety, and suicidal behaviors since I was 10. I attempted suicide for the 3rd time the next day. I would have succeeded if it weren't for someone finding me in the girls bathroom before I would bleed out. I was hospitalized for two weeks and in those two weeks I had gained the courage to get out of the relationship with him. It helped that I didn't have to go back to school. So, when I got home I called him and just said it. He was quiet and I took that time to just hang up so I could avoid the hard part. I thought that I was in the clear but then he called me. He called me every night for a week and talked to me, even cried, for 3 hours strait. I had had enough and I have been ignoring his phone calls. I started to watch some new tv shows and I never paid much attention because I had started to realize that maybe I really was a lesbian and it was stupid that I had done this to myself for so many years. I have been having some trouble figuring out if I really am a lesbian because I can find a guy attractive but only his face and his personality. I'm not attracted to them physically and I never have been. However I've always been attracted to girls in all ways. I can like a guy but I can't tell if it's just that I like them like a really good friend and not in a true romantic way. I have never had a girlfriend but I have been incredibly close to kissing a lot of girls. I just need some help understanding my sexuality.
     
  2. Emerson96

    Emerson96 Guest

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    I think you have answered your own question.

    1. You are repulsed by male genetalia, that's a strong emotion
    2. You stated yourself that you are not attracted to guys physically
    3. You stated you have always been attracted to girls

    All arrows point one direction, maybe you should you should try focusing on coming to terms with whats already obvious to you?
     
    #2 Emerson96, Aug 6, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2015
  3. troubleshooter

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    This is a quick answer but, you sound pretty gay. Your attraction to women and lack of attraction to men existed before your attack. Also, that is abhorrent what that teacher did! I hope she isn't still teaching, and if she is you should report her somewhere. She clearly upset you and can do this to other students. Those places that "fix" people do nothing but instill self-hatred, abuse people and push them to self harm and suicide. I think you are a lesbian but just need some time.
     
  4. confusedbubble

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    Firstly welcome to EC I'm heartbroken at what you've had to go through, I think you just need time to come to terms with your sexuality.
    After reading your post to me it sounds like you are lesbian You've said yourself you are repulsed by male genetalia and don't find them attractive only their face and personality.
    You just need time and to know we are here for you
     
  5. LooseMoose

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    Welcome to EC

    Your story sounds horrific- I am really sorry that you had to go through this. It makes me angry, especially the part about the idiot teacher.
    As others have said, you sound gay. There does not seem to be much room for confusion and doubt with regards to that.
    You are a beautiful person as you are- there is nothing in need of 'fixing', because there is nothing wrong with being gay.
    Please look after yourself. You are part of a big rainbow family now & we are here for you.
     
  6. paris

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    Hello Annabel, welcome to EC. I'm really sorry what happened to you. Take your time to figure out what your sexuality is and accept it but considering what you said you do sound lesbian to me. And remember, it's quite okay to be one. Feel free to post more, there are many people here on the forum willing to listen and help. You're not alone! (*hug*)
     
    #6 paris, Aug 7, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2015