So I know I am gay (only had genuine visual attractions/crushes on women, have never been able to imagine being in a relationship with a guy etc) but there's just one thing that contradicts this. When a guy (usually tall, exuding some masculine energy) puts his arm around me, or does something physical like strokes my head or arms etc, I get this warm feeling, like I'm melting/swooning under them, which lasts a few seconds and has (on occasion) turned into a sexual response, which has felt oddly pleasant. During these moments I feel kind of small, girly, protected. The feeling doesn't feel as personal to me as the sensual/sexual feelings I have around girls, in fact, it feels quite at odds with how I feel normally - as if I start to actually feel what they are projecting onto me through their actions. What confuses me is I've read about a lot of women realising they are gay because they hate the feeling of being touched by men, like it feels skin-crawling and wrong. I'm not sure I've really felt that. The thing is I don't think I should be clinging onto this as some vague indication that there might be some leeway in my sexuality - some small space for men, because that will stop me from accepting myself and will only lead to more disappointment. So what is up with this? Have other lesbians on here experienced this?
Well I'm not a lesbian since I a guy but I consider my self a solid Kinsey 5, if one must label. If you do not mind I will reflect on your post. I consider myself gay. There is no doubt of this label. The evidence and hunger for guys is compelling. But thats not so say there isn't ladies out there that don't make my head turn. I find some ladies very desirable. I actually lust for them and want to be with them - short term. It must be noted these are emotional feeling not driven by shame and societal demands. I know a few Kinsey 6 guys who like to be around women but have NO INTEREST IN THEM SEXUALLY. They consider the whole concept of intimacy with a female disgusting. (it's actually quite funny talking to them about this.) So you have to ask yourself, overall what turns me on? Who do I want to be with? Of course you may not have answers for this. Then you will have to resort to explore and discover. It must be noted that women are more accepting of both sexes. More general. Guys are pretty much hard wired to one sex type only. So this fact make it harder for you. Later .
I think it may just feel good to be touched, especially in the ways you mentioned. There's some sort of comfort in feeling close to someone if you're attracted to them or not, at least in my opinion. So I wouldn't say you have any worrying to do over your sexuality especially if you know you can't see yourself with a man. There are lesbians out there who can find men pleasing to look at for sure. It's sort of on the same page as "not being trans enough", to some people though. You can appreciate men for their looks and other qualities but if you know you couldn't be with a man then there is no doubt (to me, at least) that you're lesbian. Some people may think otherwise and believe you have to hate men in every way to be lesbian but that just isn't true at all.
I'm a lesbian and I am not repulsed by men. When I've been touched by them, it feels like any other human contact, which I'd describe as pleasant. It does not arouse me sexually. I only feel sexual arousal when I'm with a woman. That I am 100% sure of.
I identify as a lesbian and have been with a same sex partner for three years now. I'm afraid I can't really offer any advice in this situation, but I can offer my own experiences. I sometimes wonder how it feels like to be sexually involved with a person who identifies as a straight male. I find that I'm able to appreciate men who present as very masculine, and have often thought of how it would feel like to experience intimate relationships with them. I have never been intimately involved with a person identifying as straight male, and my current relationship is monogamous so I don't intend to enter into any relationship that would endanger the relationship or make my partner feel vulnerable.
I think being around Kinsey 5 is very hard, especially when you are female. Personally- I've suppressed my purely sexual attraction, or maybe it never was the most predominant part of attraction for me- so it took me time to realise I am mostly gay. A very prominent part of the way my sexuality seems to work is seeking an emotional connection and understanding. If this is in place I will want to be close to this person physically & in the past I've kind of assumed this meant I was 'sexually' attracted to them- when in reality I was bypassing the sexual level of attraction entirely and acting based purely on other forms of attraction. The way I've realised that I am more gay than I've assumed is that the connection with a woman felt much more intense to me, and natural- and I've become more aware that I've been kind of oblivious to sexual attraction as such. But I think this connection and affection- seeking aspect is more of a female thing- I mean historically we *had* to put up with sex with people we were not sexually attracted to- due to the way marriage customs worked, so we learned to adapt, so this aspects might make it kind of confusing when it comes to figuring out what our actual sexual attractions/desires are. I think it is natural to have some form of pleasure response to physical contact. For me- I like hugging guys and I like having them as friends. This is all I really want from a guy, and I do want this kind of affection- but no more. In the past I've kind of assumed that to deserve it, I need to be ok with sex with them- so when things went into the sexual direction, I was ok with it- because it seemed the way things are supposed to go. But in retrospect what I want with guys is an affectionate friendship- nothing more.
Thanks for the varid & interesting replies! I think this experience for me relates to some wider identity wish-fulfillment - wanting to feel feminine, protected etc, which is not something I can feel in relation to my genuine attractions, as they are almost always towards girls that are more feminine/delicate than me, and when I experience them I feel almost male/masculine myself (this probably having been informed by heteronormative narratives...) - which is one of the most persistent obstacles I've faced during this coming out process. I think in time once I rid myself of these ideas I'll be able to have more control over these feelings and even not feel them at all eventually. Or maybe a physical response to sexual/sensual advances is just a knee-jerk psychological thing, no matter who the person is. I think also the reason why it could feel more pleasant is because the response never goes beyond a comfortable level, whereas, if it were a girl I found attractive doing the same thing, I'd just be overwhelmed - and I find it difficult to experience or even anticipate feelings that strong. Like I can't help feeling if I did allow these advances to go further, it would never feel as profound or earth-shattering as a same-sex experience of the same nature. LooseMoose I can relate to what you were saying about bypassing the levels of sexual attraction in favour of other forms of attraction. I know people who identify as demisexual may go through something akin to this, but I have a feeling it would still end up feeling more connected & whole than it would for someone engaging in sexual activity with someone who lies outside of their general sexual preference.
Dont know if you are a book reader but if so you might want to consider Sex At Dawn. It's very good and interesting. The book presents many theories that explain "things" in our current lives. Link: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stra.../ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr= ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2015 at 03:14 PM ---------- Well I'm not female but I will say it's very difficult being a Kinsey 4-5 for guys too. I have just enough attraction to women plus societal PRESSURES to CONFUSE the heck out of me. Societal pressures being, ~"get a women Brainwash, settle down, have kids." Ahhhhhh!
