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When Romantic and Sexual Orientation Don't Match

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by dt85, Aug 8, 2015.

  1. dt85

    dt85 Guest

    When I'm around attractive women, I get what I have crudely dubbed the "I want to bone you" feeling. But when I'm around attractive, clever men I get I want to settle into a long-term relationship and wake up to your face every morning feelings. It's so confusing!

    The first time I realized there was something different about me—never mind that I remember making male action figures make out with each other when no one was looking when I was a child—was when, as a teenager, I fell in love with my best friend and became jealous of his girlfriend(s).

    We eventually had a falling out, though I never told him why.

    So, what do I do?! A domestic relationship with a man makes so much more sense to me—logically and emotionally.

    I honestly wish I were just gay, so I wouldn't have sexual feelings for women at all. I'm sure you all have heard this story before. :bang:
     
  2. InLoveWithAGirl

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    Yah, i totally get that. Wanting one physically, but wanting to actually BE with the other.

    I'd think that, by your post, it'd be best for you to be with a guy and have that long-term relationship and be happy. The 'i want to bone' feeling, how far does it go? Because if you can't actually love that girl that you want to be physically close to, then you shouldn't force it. If you can love her, then cool. But it sounds like you're suppressing your desires for men.
     
  3. foxconfessor

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    Is your sexual attraction to men not as strong as it is for women? If it's around the same or near enough, it might be worth just acknowledging your attraction towards women and accepting that you either won't act on it or will act on it only if you're single, but making sure they know you don't want any strings attached. Perhaps in the future you may even come to an arrangement with a long-term partner that allows you to indulge your attraction to women in an open way.
     
    #3 foxconfessor, Aug 8, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2015
  4. Jax12

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    It was hard for me to distinguish at first, but I one day I asked myself who I would want to spend my life with? And it was men, not women.

    Everything else kind of came naturally after that, took me while to get there though.

    I totally get what you're saying though, wanting to be 100% gay, as I have had this thought as well. Unfortunately, this is who I am, and I feel that the gay label identifies me better, though on the Kinsey scale I'm a 4.5.
     
    #4 Jax12, Aug 8, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2015
  5. dt85

    dt85 Guest

    Well, I've only ever dated girls but, no offense to the ladies on this site, it always feels like going out with an alien. It feels wrong. I haven't dated men because I have a very conservative family, and if I even try to broach the subject of same-sex attraction, it goes bad really quick. But I'm at an age now that I feel I need to be me and move away from my family if I have to.

    I know I'm romantically attracted to men because I've had male friends, gay and straight, that I've been head over heels for. I pretty much just hang out by myself these days, because it's too hard to suppress my feelings anymore.

    The only people who really know that I'm attracted to men are a couple of supportive professors at the college I attend—but I've told myself that if I meet a guy at school and we hit it off, I'm going to be open about it. I will be open even if it means I get disowned.

    Is it strange that I find feminine men most attractive? I mean, I don't find masculine women attractive, so maybe it's not a matter of a perfect balance, but feminine men are the group I'm most attracted to of any gender/personality type.
     
  6. InLoveWithAGirl

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    No, I don't think that's weird at al all. Whatever it is that attracts you is what attracts you.

    As for breaking away from your family, it might be necessary. Though I caution as to how much breaking away you do. Not to be cliche, but it is your life to live now. Yes, it's good to have good family relationships but if that's what's stopping you then definitely find a way to put a boundary between what they want and what your reality is.

    I also applaud you on deciding to be open. That is a huge step!
     
  7. Chip

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    What you're experiencing is actually well within the normal process that most guys go through as they are realizing they aren't straight. The challenge is... our brains play all sorts of tricks on us, and our conscious and unconscious minds basically argue with one another... and this results in the sort of confusion you're seeing.

    No matter how accepting one is of LGBT people, there's always some sense of loss and internalized homophobia going on. As we process the stages of loss -- denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance -- it's very common to go through a period of rationalizing "Well, I like same-sex people, but I like opposite sex people too, maybe in a different way, so maybe I could still end up with an opposite sex person." 5 or 10 years ago, people would often identify as bisexual during this period (and before the bisexuals come and try to lynch me... this doesn't mean there aren't real bisexuals, it only means that many people use the label incorrectly, out of convenience, during the bargaining process.) More recently, the unrecognized labels that claim a separation between romantic and sexual attractions (for which there's no support or wide acceptance) have come into vogue and many people use those labels... but, at least from what I've seen and what many of the professionals I work with have seen, these turn out to be the same "bridge labels" during the bargaining phase.

    So this is a longwinded way of saying... it's quite likely that what you're experiencing is an entirely normal part of the process of understanding yourself, and the confusion between the difference in attraction between guys and girls is, at least in part, your conscious and unconscious battling it out.

    My suspicion is that as you work thorugh this more (and simply let time pass), you'll likely come to the conclusion that you're closer to the gay end of the spectrum, perhaps entirely gay. Of course, only you can make that decision and come to whatever understanding is right for you... but I wouldn't worry too much right now. I think the answer will come about in time.
     
  8. actually

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    Honestly, I get you. I'd never want a girlfriend, but I wouldn't be totally opposed to sex with a girl. Like, theoretically I'd sign up for a threesome, but be in an actual relationship with a guy. I only date guys. THIS CRAP IS SO CONFUSING:bang::help::tears::eusa_doh: