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I thought I was gay so I experimented,

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by willix1D, Aug 8, 2015.

  1. willix1D

    willix1D Guest

    I'm 20 years old. i thought I was gay i used to obssessed all the time because i though I was mostly because I got aroused by gay porn throughout my teen years but not so much anymore
    . so a couple of minutes ago i went on craigslist and decided to experiment. it was another guy who was 3 years older than me. we agreed to give each other oral i went on first but couldnt manage to do it for longer than 3 seconds because I was totally repulsed by it. He gave me one and during the whole time I had to think of a woman to get hard and ejaculate . it was awful . i never wanted to do anything like that again the whole things was kinda weird.
    . it's weird i get aroused by gay porn but with a real guy im not interested at all. i dont even obsess about being gay nor aroused anymore. I can't even watch it anymore, not the same at all. any thoughts?
     
  2. willix1D

    willix1D Guest

    i meant i exerimented a couple of days ago. but i do hate myself for experimenting. i just feel like I've been obsessing for nothing. I never done anything sexual with a girl, only kissing and I like it a lot but i lack a lot of confidence in myself with woman
     
  3. InLoveWithAGirl

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    Sounds like you are straight.


    For the porn, I definitely don't think it makes you even remotely into guys. It sucks that your only experience went so horribly wrong. I wish it had gone better.

    I think when you are with a girl it will be more obvious how you feel.

    So, yah, porn watching totally normal to watch gay porn and be straight.

    ---------- Post added 8th Aug 2015 at 04:45 PM ----------

    Dude then yah, you gotta be open. It is awkward. Super awkward to bring it up. But there are ways. Like talking about exs or favorite celebrities or maybe talking about your 'type' though with a chick I'm not sure if that is the safest way to bring it up.

    That's really great that you're working on your anxiety and self-esteem! It shows that you care enough to try hard. That's really awesome!!

    As for having a hard time in general, yah I get that. Sometimes it is so hard to just get along with people. But with some people they just accept it. And that's kinda what I would look for if I were you. Some people can be friends and just get eachother without extremely long coversations or whatever. Finding the right people is one of the next steps in that.
     
  4. Chicagoblue

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    I am gay (closeted) buy I respect your feelings. Everyone's situation is unique...but can change. Straight is good; gay is good. Don't worry about it.
     
  5. KyleD

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    When you're a teen it is very easy to get aroused so you can't really judge sexuality based upon that. When you fantasize about being intimate with someone is it a man or woman? This is a more reliable indicator of your sexuality.
     
  6. willix1D

    willix1D Guest

    if you mean like holding hands kissing and spooning , stuff like that it's always been girls. I mean always. some people say dont do hook up which i understand. but i never had an emotional connection with a guy that would lead to sex, never.

    I thought I was attracted to penises ( embarressed to type that) but I def can't imagine me doing that ever again. I felt like I lost my teens years dealing with this, but im gonna try to move on
     
    #6 willix1D, Aug 8, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2015
  7. KyleD

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    From what you say it appears as if you are predominantly heterosexual. Just relax and stop putting yourself under so much pressure. There is no rush, society tends to make us feel like we need to have everything figured out once we reach a certain age but that's not how it works. Take your time, get to know people you are attracted to and take it from there. :slight_smile:
     
  8. willix1D

    willix1D Guest

    Kyle , dude, im just tired. I know I need to stop pressuring myself but i've been lonely for a while. i've been addicted to porn since i was 12 and it confused me as I started watching different stuff. Missed a lot of opportunities in my life. I always feared that i was gay due to my porn usage.

    Now i experimented, im still trying to deal with the fact that I did it. i just wish i waited bc my experience was awful. I was so mentally out of tune with the oral sex he did on me , I couldn't deal with it. I had to imagine a girl.
     
  9. Chip

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    One suggestion I'll make -- which might be difficult -- is to start weaning yourself off of porn. It won't be easy masturbating without it if you've been doing so for years, but you can definintely retrain your brain. You can start, initially, with imagining things you've seen in porn, and then move on to creating your own fantasies.

    I think if you start doing that, you'll find that within a couple of weeks, your brain will start to retrain itself and it will be much easier and more intuitive... and that will have the side effect of also helping you reset your sense of arousal.
     
  10. troubleshooter

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    I wrote a long reply but it got deleted so I'll make this brief.

    It's ok and normal to experiment, but the result of your experiment was that you're straight. You'll be ok, don't worry.

    Please get an STD test. This was a stranger you met off craigslist and you don't know if this person has any sort of diseases or conditions that he might have passed on to you. Craigslist is known for unsavory characters.

    If you're really addicted to porn you should get help from a support group like sex addicts anonymous (they help people who are just addicted to porn and not actual sex too). This is a common problem with teen boys and young men because it's so readily available and never spoken about. It's common for porn addicts to go up the addiction "ladder" by getting into something more forbidden and taboo as time goes on--like gay porn. It's normal to get aroused by something inherently sexual, even if it's not your sexual orientation. There have even been some recent posts by some women that sound straight that say they like lesbian porn. It's the same thing. Either way, if this addiction really troubles you, there is help out there. *hugs* You'll be ok
     
  11. willix1D

    willix1D Guest

    well i did get an erection from the stimulation when i experimented. It felt good. could that prove that I have homosexual tendencies.
     
    #11 willix1D, Aug 12, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2015
  12. Joelouis

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    I'm certain that someone can have gay thoughts and attractions without actually wanting sex itself.
     
  13. willix1D

    willix1D Guest

    yea, i'm talking about when i received oral from the guy. I did get an erection because it felt good..
     
    #13 willix1D, Aug 12, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2015
  14. SiennaFire

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    This was my experience as well. I thought I was gay but the first few times with another guy were very awkward and weird. It took me several tries to get comfortable, and I was able to totally let go until I felt comfortable with the guy (FWB situation). It seems that you have issues of shame associated with being gay - perhaps these are scripts from your parents, society, or your church?
     
  15. willix1D

    willix1D Guest

    maybe society. im trying to get comfortable with it. what makes you think i'm probably ashamed of it. just curious.
     
  16. SiennaFire

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    You said that you felt totally repulsed when you went down on the guy from CL and that you are aroused by gay porn but not with a real guy. My interpretation is that you feel more comfortable with your gay side when you are alone but perhaps you feel some shame that it's not OK when you are acting on it. It's OK and normal if you do feel shame. Most gay men (myself included) feel shame because of the lessons learned from our parents, society, and/or church, that is, that there is something wrong with being gay. It's a constant battle to love ourselves and feel pride given that not everyone in society fully accepts gays. Given that you are from a younger generation, perhaps you feel less shame than my generation, which would be wonderful.

    HTH
     
  17. willix1D

    willix1D Guest

    well no, im not ashamed. I watch almost every genre of porn, it did confuse me. I thought I might be gay due to my arousal patterns. I have a hard time distinguishing my fantasies and reality sometimes. it is def different watching someone get oral ( gay porn) and actually doing it and I learned that the hard way . I wasn't interested at all
     
  18. SiennaFire

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    You mentioned that you have been lonely. So you've concluded that you are mostly straight and will find a GF?
     
    #18 SiennaFire, Aug 12, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2015
  19. willix1D

    willix1D Guest

    maybe so. but i have to build more confidence in me. I thought this experimentation would give me all the answers i needed but it didn't, mostly because of my experiences with women. I feel like I lack assertiveness around them. the thought of me having a BF doesnt bother me , but at the same time it doesn't click. I never felt emotionally close to a dude that could evolve into a sexual level

    Believe me, im not trying to contradict the fact that i might be gay. it is what it is, but sexuality is so confusing.
     
  20. SiennaFire

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    It is hard figuring out one's sexuality. It requires brutal honesty with oneself and some experimentation for confirmation.

    I can relate to the lack of assertiveness around women. I always let the women take the initiative rather than pursue them myself.

    When you were 12 or so, did you have crushes on guys or girls or both?