Hello everyone, Within the last couple of months I have come to the realization that I am probably not straight. I am in my early thirties so it feels really late to be figuring out such a fundamental part of myself. However, this forum has helped me see that some others have had similar experiences. Looking back I now recognize a lot of signs that should have made my orientation obvious. Over the years I have engaged in a lot of rationalization and denial. I have even had friends ask me if I was gay and at the time I insisted I wasn’t and tried all the harder to behave like everyone else. I have always been uncomfortable with attention by men and have never been in a serious relationship. I have had a number of opportunities and dated several men, but never felt any attraction or attachment and generally shied away from physical intimacy. On occasion there have been men that I would say I find attractive aesthetically, but I don't know that its actually a sexual attraction and it has added to the confusion. At this point I haven’t dated anyone in years. I am much more comfortable with women and all of my best friends have always been women. I have been telling myself that I just haven’t met the right man and have concentrated on work, friends, family ect., but I honestly can’t really imagine wanting to have a sexual relationship with a man and, although it’s hard for me to admit, I think I would like to have a relationship with a woman. I've spent a lot of time feeling left out of a piece of the human experience because I've never been in love or even in a serious relationship and feeling like something is wrong with me. A lot of things make a lot more sense with the explanation that I've been subconsciously trying to force myself to be straight. In a way its a relief to just have an explanation. I don’t feel like I have negative feelings regarding homosexuality as applied to other people, but I still feel ashamed as to myself. I am continuously questioning myself and often just end up confused. At this point I don’t really know what my next step should be. Part of me thinks I would need to actually try a relationship with a woman to be sure, but then again if I am not comfortable with myself I’m probably not ready for that. Thanks for listening, any suggestions?
It sounds like you're already sure of what it is that you know you're going to need in your life going forward, at least in a romantically and sexually satisfying relationship. I think your incredulity stems from apprehension and fear of the lack of experience and unknown outcome from your actions. I can only tell you this though, everything does eventually fall into place once you follow your instincts on what it is you're feeling. It will feel natural and right, albeit a bit unnerving at first, as you're going through the motions. Try to find a venue where you can meet and talk to people on a serious basis. Be it dating, friendship, or possibly love. Establish a blind date or meeting with an individual whom you fell you're comfortable with at a certain point and let your feelings in the moment guide you from there. No good will ever truly come from contesting something you likely to believe to be the truth about yourself. You need to go out there and experience these sensations for the first time to bring closure to all your pandering and concern.
I'm with you Gypsy, in a very similar situation. Like you I used to think I was straight but have a very limited amount of sexual/relationship experience and I now realise I'm definitely not straight really. I actually fancy both a guy and a girl at the moment, and feel I could fall hard for either of them, or indeed both.
