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I need support and advice

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Tryatleast1ce, Aug 10, 2015.

  1. Tryatleast1ce

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Until last year I always opted out on giving my sexual orientation, since I was in high school I had 2 groups of friends, my queer friends and my black friends, never both. I am a black queer and to my black friends, I was that crazy girl that did anything for a laugh, dressed nice sometimes, yet slutty because I loved my high heels. I watched my best friends get boyfriends and go crazy over them, and never be bothered with me. Because they were utterly disgusting, even from a distance. My queer friends always knew me as their straight fabulous ally, they admired my fashion and my open mindedness. My mother use to tell me how white gay men attach themselves to black women like white on rice, but at the time I just knew these people were more like me, and hated that they always assumed I was straight, especially the women. But I connected more with them, than the people who just looked like me. It wasn't until later on in my life I found out that there were actual black gay people in the world !! I'm from a pretty small community where everyone knows everyone and it's a sin to be gay.

    Anyways, last year I went into my worst crisis mode ever, I attempted suicide because going to university, having 2.5 jobs and living on my own was overwhelming for me including the fact that my family was homeless and I was the main provider to my mother and little brothers. After I woke up in the hospital, I realized I missed the pride parade and that I had to keep living a life I didn't want to be in. I had support, but I didn't have the resources to get back on my feet, but I did it anyways.
    Few months later I start spending every weekend at the gay bar close to me and my friends all know now that is my favourite club, and I wasn't out, out to them, but they weren't surprised at all when I did come out. But one night I was approached by the owner and was offered a job. It was amazing and so liberating working there, my mental health began to get better, with therapy and what not. But I hit another crisis in December and hated the fact I had to go home that Christmas, and I ended up in the hospital again, Rather than going home. I was referred to group therapy and was in there two weeks later. During my 2 months in therapy I got to know a pretty great guy, and I could talk to him about my problems and stuff, but I identified as queer still and was dating off and on men and women, I wasn't committed to my self, so I didn't commit to anyone else. Anyways, after the 2 months of becoming friends, he began telling me how he was flirting with me and I was doing it back and how he wanted to take me out, so I brought him to my bar and we had a great night, we talked all night about everything. After that I couldn't get rid of him, he's always at my house, I can't see my friends unless we fight because he's upset that I put my friends before him. He constantly lies to me about the dumbest shit, like what he had for breakfast for example. And I have a really good friend, we are in a romantic relationship, and have been for 5.5 years now, she is also queer and has a boyfriend who is a complete asshole, and both of our boyfriends seem to get jealous of the relationship me and her share, for example, my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months now, and he's upset with me because I refuse to put him before any of my friends, which makes him "uncomfortable". And he has no friends btw. We are together everyday, without fail - I love him and what he has done for my growth, but it's becoming overwhelming and I've tried to express to him about my sexuality and what not, come to an understanding that I do identify myself as a pansexual poly person. But he tells me he can wait until I grow out of it, and that I am worth the wait, and that he's 28 and he's got all the time in the world. But on the other hand he does not give me my freedom. And I would like to go out and meet other women, I know where and how but my boyfriend and I always have the same conversation, "I'm afraid you'll leave me for a woman" there's a big shocker, this conversation comes up every other day. I'm use to having shallow relationships with women and men at th same time. And up until dating him, I was never faithful, but it bothers me that he doesn't trust me even though, all I've been is honest with him. I haven't touched a human being since we first started dating.

    I'm not sure what to do anymore, I have too many reasons why we should still be together, but they're along the lines of me not wanting to feel lonely, because he is very convenient, and that I might. Make a huge mistake.

    I'm sorry for the length, there's just not anyone who I am FULLY out with that doesn't know all the details.
     
  2. WhoAm I

    Regular Member

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    Are you comfortable with your relationship with him? If he makes you feel badly for him because he doesn't trust you, that isn't the sign of a healthy relationship. From the sounds of it, his trust issues are a problem with you and the fact that he doesn't understand and accept fully that you are queer is also the sign of a problem. If he says that he can wait for you to grow out of it, then he doesn't accept who you are and wants you to change for him. Don't change for anyone; the people who truly love you are the people who never want you to change.