its a long story, but I am confused as all get out.

I haven't been on in a while and I haven't posted in even longer. I tried to just live my life and let things happen as they happen, but I truly don't know what my sexual orientation is. I tried using the bisexual label, didn't feel right, I tried the gay label, didn't feel right; I have tried the queer label, didn't feel right. The closest one to right is using the straight label, but that's not who I am is it? I guess here is my life story.

i'm 21, male. growing up I didn't have many crushes on anyone. I remember looking at one guy's arm in elementary school because it looked big to me. I remember looking at some wrestlers in a magazine in 6th grade because they were muscular. moving on to later the same year. I wanted to ask a girl out to our valentine's day dance. I was super shy and nervous about it. I really liked this girl. we went to the dance, but I am not a dancer. 7th grade I liked this other girl but she liked my brother. I have had a few girls really truly interested in me, but I just can't seem to be interested back (starting 5th grade until now.) there were 2 other girls I was interested in through high school and 1 that I was interested in from another school I met one summer. All through high school I would catch myself looking at guys that were more muscular. Occasionally I would find my self googling muscular guys. (I never searched for girls online). I had one woman message me when I first got a social media account offering me a good time and I was freaked out by it. I was taught to not trust strangers online and all of that. I typically seem to get aroused by muscular men, but only when I really think about them and women I don't seem to get all that aroused when I see them, but that's who I want to have a real relationship with. I did have one girl I danced with in middle school that I actually danced with and got picked on for it, but looking back it was playful fun kind of picking. I have always been called gay growing up because I am more sensitive to just about everything emotionally and physical pain. I am also really skinny which resulted in more "gay" jokes.

my attraction to muscular guys hasn't gone away, but its changed. I get aroused looking at them, but only when I imagine myself taking on the more masculine qualities of the guy. I, on rare occasion feel like I am aroused by sheer power as opposed to anything else. Is this a thing? or is it just a surge of testosterone from the masculinity of it all.

my attraction to women has increased slightly and I notice more women from time to time (which means I notice men slightly less too).

One thing I have noticed when I come in contact with people is how I feel. when its a guy it usually (always occasional exceptions) starts off with no feeling at all then its I guess he is kind of attractive... wait did I just think that two seconds ago he wasn't attractive now I can't stop thinking it. I hope this doesn't turn me on right here.

when its a girl its usually !wow! this is really nice I am not use to this kind of feeling. its soft and inviting. it makes me feel uncomfortable in a good way.

I also don't know how I feel about this one guy. I love hanging out with him all the time , but I usually don't feel attracted to him, unless it's one of those well I guess he is kind of attractive wait what now every guy is attractive oh man I really do like him kind of days which does happen.

I really have no idea if I am straight, gay, queer, bi, or maybe even have some kind of HOCD or something.




I also remember in kindergarten I got kissed by a girl behind the cubbies (locker things) I remember saying eww gross you have cooties or something similar, but looking back I don't remember if I actually felt grossed out by it or if I just said that because I thought that's what you were suppose to do. I have never kissed anyone girl or guy if you exclude the kindergarten kiss. I don't usually come into close contact with anyone in a social setting either. I also noticed I am more than slightly less than completely more attracted to females rather than males when I have had a couple of beers this past year. but again not always.

After coming to college I am more accepted by people. which means I am more comfortable being myself. I do not feel that I would have to act a certain way or be someone I am not regardless of what my orientation ends up. Plus I don't have a problem with anyone being a part of the lgbtq+ community.

I want to be completely straight, but do not know if I am. I do want to be straight to avoid ridicule or cruelty I want to be straight because I feel like I am suppose to be... if that made sense. thank you for reading everything

if you have any advice, insight or thoughts please comment because i think it would really help me figure everything out.

 

Sorry to completely change what I wrote about the ridicule thing. I thought I typed not ridicule.

So I want to be straight not to avoid ridicule (I don't think I would be because of my friends would seem cool with it.) but because I feel that it is what I'm suppose to be. But I don't know if I actually fall under this category or not.

---------- Post added 11th Aug 2015 at 04:29 PM ----------

To answer the rest of it yeah I guess so my sexual and romantic attraction are different but I notice girls from time to time too. I don't know though I really just want to understand. I try the go with the flow and it doesn't work. I'm just getting annoyed with it.

 

Yeah I guess I never thought about it like that. Maybe that's what it is. My lack of experience in the romance category really has me overthinking a lot and I might Need to just take a step back. Who knows really hoping I figure it out soon.