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not gay, but afraid of being straight?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Forlimpopoli, Aug 12, 2015.

  1. Forlimpopoli

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    hello everybody! I am Daniele, 16, and I apologise in advance for the lenght of the post, but it's all a shitty mess ahah :icon_bigg
    well, basically I spent my childhood with an absent father and an overprotective mother, who used to tell me stuff like "if you will ever watch a naked woman, I'll throw you out the house and destroy your computer etc"; so when I was a child I kinda had this idea that "naked woman = evil". Though I still enjoyed a lot women - a friend and I used to stare for hours a hidden magazine with a topless female model on it :grin: thus, I remember that I had this discussion with a classmate of mine about the fact that, thinking of a naked female classmate of mine, my dick got hard. I even had a girlfriend (when I was 8) and I liked hiding in the cliffs and kissing etc Supporting the gay side, I liked staring at the male models in underwear in the London Underground publicity and ...ehrm that's it.
    I first thought of being gay in the middle school, when I started being bullied both from boys (they used to call me fag all the time, for no reason) and girls (since I "was a fag", they treated me like a stupid loser all the time). I even started going to a therapist to face those problems (sexuality, social, etc)
    Well that was my childhood/pre-pubescent years, now I solved all my social problems (I have lots of friends and I am considered nice by anyone) but still questioning. Shortly, I had crushes for girls only (can't define "crushes" properly, but I think that butterflies in the stomach, awesomeness in the air, desire to kiss, and so on it's enough) but I get really aroused by gay porn. Since porn isn't such a great barometer for sexuality, I will tell you that sometimes in the locker rooms at the gym when a guy gets naked I sometimes feel something happening down there, even if it's not a full erection. I have never ever had a crush for a boy, never felt to kiss one. Instead, it's hard for me to get aroused by lesbian porn. Well, honestly I am quite afraid of lesbian porn, I get anxious before watching it t_t but like if I see some tits in the real life (like my sis ones) first I am all like OH MY GOD NOW LET'S GET ERECT OR I AM GAY; my penis gets hard only when I start being relaxed basically.
    Since you often ask for it on this forum, a) when a girl I know it's beautiful passes by, I can't resist stopping and stare them, with a "WHOAAH" feeling (hope you understood ahah) in the male side, I often find myself watching males when I don't pay attention, but in a competitive way, like "he has this and I don't, I'd like to". When I masturbate without porn, I like thinking of naked and sexy female friends of mine kissing and cuddling. Tried thinking of men while masturbating, but it's not the same thing - the magic is missing. When I imagine a person sharing the life with, well I am quite confused now ahah but I'd choose a girl. I look boys only as friends to hang out with and do crazy stuff, but not like people ... I would cuddle with.
    If I am so confused it's because I don't get that excited sexually with women. My therapist told me that my putative homosexuality is more a reaction of my fear of dating a woman and assume a masculine behaviour. That would make sense. What do you think?
     
  2. Forlimpopoli

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    by the way, when I see straight porn, I choose by the male in it, because I kinda think that basically all teen women who do porn are exciting, while some males aren't, and I want that they are both exciting. (kinda bisexual ahah)
     
  3. brainwashed

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    The following are only my feelings and thoughts based upon limited information.

    Interesting point. I can see how this would happen.

    It's normal to be curious. I call this the explore and discover age/phase of life. So looking at male models is normal. As a child you want to see what is going to happen to your body.

    Sometimes "others" can see things in you. So there MAY be substance to this. But I really think this is because you did not have a positive male role model - your dad. So in the absence of your dad, you behaved like your mom, a female.


    I would say this is an indicator. A crush is a pretty strong emotion.

    This is an important point.


    This is an important point.

    This is an important point.


    I think this really goes back to "so when I was a child I kinda had this idea that "naked woman = evil"." It's my theory you need to work through this evil thing. You indicate you like to cuddle, have crush on girls, on and on.

    To some degree I agree with your therapist you think women are evil either sub consciously or consciously - MAYBE. And you had no adult role model when growing up thus masculine behavior.

    In a nut shell - sorry American slang for this will be short. It seems like you have the "whats" going on identified - see my above comments for clues. Now you need the "hows" to work on. How are you going to overcome thinking women are evil and lack of male role model. This is what you need to work on - the hows.

    I do think, like many of us including me, you get confused in the emotion of trying to figure this out.

    I learned quite a bit from your post. Thanks for coming to ECs and posting.

    Chow
     
    #3 brainwashed, Aug 12, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2015
  4. Forlimpopoli

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    thank you brainwashed! I will work on "the hows" then :slight_smile: I thought of getting in a relationship with a girl and see what happens. My biggest fear is that my buddy down there will just not work when the atmosphere gets hotter :frowning2: gosh.
     
  5. brainwashed

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    The following are only my thoughts and opinions, I'm not a therapist.

    Forlimpopoli with reference to dating girls. I think you are trying to swim without knowing how to swim. In my example the "what" is swimming. The "how" is actually knowing how to swim. You know about dating girls but you do not know how. It's complicated.

    I would suggest you read a few straight romance novels. Watch a few non porn romance movies. Do web search on dating girls. Find out what women like.

    At the same time write down all you misgivings about women. Once you identify main points you can reflect as to why you have the misgivings. Find a friend and talk about the misgivings. It really helps to tell someone. Make yourself venerable.

    With all this info (you now know the mechanics to swim but have never swam yet) get involved in activities where there are lots of women. Not skate boarding with your buds. There should be a nice lady that will catch your eye. De-emphasis sexual activity, let that happen naturally. Do not put that in front.

    People have different levels of sensitivity. A theory. It's my guess you are a sensitive person, easily hurt. It could be the reason for this is you feel rejected mainly because your dad left you. Putting sex out there to prove you are a man, just like your dad, turns on "rejection" feelings causing you to withdraw which then turns on hurt. Don't even think about the sex thing. Try romance - flowers, holding hands, kissing lightly, etc.

    Good luck.
     
  6. brainwashed

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    Excuse my ignorance. Where is Milan?