Hi, i'm new to this site. I'm a 27 year old male who lives in new jersey. The reason why I'm posting this thread is because I am desperate for advice and some peace of mind so I can be happy and comfortable with myself, and work up the courage to allow myself to feel something for someone else. I'm a virgin and I've never had a girlfriend or been on a date or any kind of relationship with anyone.The closest I've ever had to one was when I was a freshman in highschool. I've had a few friends In the past but it's been years since I've talked or hung out with them. The past three years have been extremely lonely and financially hard. So my options of going out and meeting people is extremely limited or non existent. As early as I can remember I've been attracted to girls. In the past and even now I've always spotted girls(and sometimes guys) looking at me and smiling or giving me that "look". i've grown use to it and I recognize it for what it is. When they do this I feel "nothing". For the past 10+ years I've dealt with girls hoping I could find one that was perfect for me or one i was comfortable with. My mom is always telling me that the guy always has to make the first move when trying to get a girl's attention. i tried to follow that rule most of my teenage life. Though I'd feel this unworthiness or an extreme lack of confidence in myself whenever I had feelings or was attracted to a girl. At 27, when it comes to women and working up the nerve to ask them out, I still fall into those same bad feelings about myself and I can't get rid of them or grow out of . In my past I've always felt that when it came to women I had so many opportunities to ask someone out or have sex with a girl, but I've always felt that i'm not good enough for them or I'm a loser. Or I'd feel depressed and the girl would pick up on that and wan't nothing to do with me. After almost 15 years of dealing with this and myself, I'm afraid I'm not attracted to women like I used to be. I've always watched porn on the internet, but for the last couple of years straight porn does nothing for me and I've been watching gay porn( mostly gay casting, amateur, and bears fucking twinks, debt dandy). I also really like to look at yaoi and japanese gay anime porn. After watching these gay porn videos, the guys getting fucked look like there really enjoying it and it turns me on alot. I excercise constantly everyday for the past year and a half and try to take care of my body. Sometimes I would take off all my clothes and masturbate to myself while looking in a mirror. More recently I've been sticking the back end of a plunger or long stick up my butthole and pretending I was getting fucked by a guy. It gets me off everytime but i feel shame after( like i've ruined myself). I've been touching my peanus since I was 15 and it just doesn't feel the same anymore unless theres something in my butt too. Couple of years ago, my male history proffessor in college asked me out on a date and I turned him down because I felt unsure. Am I afraid to take that leap to the next step? Would I be happier if I said yes? what is wrong with me? In reality, out in the real world, I choke up when I'm attracted to a girl or they are giving me signals. (guys and girls) But when I'm alone at home with no one around, I do wierd things to myself to get off and I CRAVE a partner to have sex with and a relationship. Can someone tell me... am I a loser, some kind of freak. Am I gay, bi, straight? What am I? If anyone could comment on this and tell me what you think I am you'd be giving me some peace of mind. Any advice would be appreciated too. Thank you.
It sounds to me like you might be bi with a preference for guys. Do you ever look at a girl and think 'I'd have sex with her'? Or does that never happen with you?
Have you ever had any sort of romantic feelings for another male? Like a friend growing up or something? I can relate to the feelings of inadequacy around girls and stuff. I experimented with a male friend at a very early age and my life kinda went sideways from there. Always feeling like people could tell something was "different" about me and that I always had to be on guard or they would know for sure. That is just terribly exhausting. When I was 16 tho, I fell completely head over heels for my male best friend and to this day I don't think I've ever felt something quite as strong. And when that didn't pan out, I found myself trying once again to do what I felt I was supposed to do I guess. I have had several relationships with girls and even have 3 kids with my ex, whom I was with 14 years. No matter what those feelings have always been there for guys, tho for a while I thought I had it "beat". But I have always felt like I was trying to play a role I guess. I'm not the strong, comforting male that I felt I was supposed to be in a relationship as I am the one that wants the strong arms comforting me. As far as your professor, maybe its just that it wasn't the right guy for you. You're not attracted to every woman you see, so why would it be any different with a guy? I know I could never get the allure of gay porn before, but as I'm learning more and more to accept myself, I definitely find it much more a rousing than I ever did before. I guess the best advice would be just to quit trying so hard to label yourself and just try to learn to allow yourself to just be attracted to whomever can light that spark for you. You're NOT a freak, there's nothing wrong with you, and once you can start truly believing that, it can be such a huge weight off your shoulders.
Hey there, and welcome to EC! :smilewave Let me start off with one thing, that I'm absolutely sure of: you're NOT a loser, or a freak, or damaged goods. Some people get into relationships when they're 15, others wait until they're nearly 30. Some like it vanilla, some like to spice it up. And some ask people out like it's second nature, while others need a bit of support. So: don't lose time thinking about some alternative cm88 that did different things in life. You just took the time you needed to get to this point, and you're among people who won't judge and are here to help! That said: it's not up to us to just slap a label on you. All we can do is bounce some ideas back and forth and only you can decide whether a label fits. And sexuality is never black and white. I know straight people who like a dildo up their ass, and gay people who don't like it at all! I think that on the sexuality front, the method I most often advise to start with is to fantasise a little bit. When you're out in public, try to not guide your eyes. Just look around until your eyes lock on to someone. Doesn't even matter whether it's a boy or a girl. Just the first person that makes you think "in a perfect world, I'd like to ask that one out!" From there, allow yourself to chart out a dream date. The other person says yes, and will essentially agree to anything you propose. Movie? Sure! Dinner? Absolutely! Going back to your place? Yes please! Play that one out a bit. What do you do? What do you talk about? How do you act, how does the other person act? If it feels like a natural progression of the fantasy, allow things to go to holding hands or cuddling or (why not?) full-on sex. ...and then shelve that fantasy as a data point. Don't look at it as "what sexuality am I?" But as "Oh, so that's my dream scenario!" And also, you can repeat with a member of the sex you didn't originally fantasise of. Sometimes you can find useful differences there. For example, in my case, I can definitely notice that, when fantasising about a guy, it's all in technicolor and with tiny vivid details and it all flows by itself. I know exactly who takes the other's hand and when and where we're looking. With girls, it's more "And then we have an awesome time, fade to black". Which, in my case, points to gay. It might be useful to see where it points to for you! Next, there is the point of making friends. You mention not getting out much, and I respect that it's a challenge for you right now, but there is also the fact that this sort of thing is easy with friends. Friends which are best made by common hobbies. So: surely you must have at least the occasional evening of free time? What do you like to do in your spare time (or in your work time)? Anything that there might be groups of people focused on it? Many clubs ask for little or no money or even time commitment, but they're a good way of getting to know people with common interests. Which leads to friends and, eventually, to potential dates. I would never have dared ask my boyfriend out if we didn't already bond over video games first! Okay, I'm starting to write a novel here. So back to you! Does the above already help you? Some further thoughts or questions popping up? I do know that with some effort, you can and will find th confidence you're looking for!
Just a bit of friendly health advice: nothing wrong with a bit of 'simulated bottoming', but if you are going to put something inside yourself, use only safe, approved appliances. I recommend a modestly sized dildo, or even just a finger. But a plunger...doesn't sound very safe to me. Be careful what you put inside yourself.