Sexually attracted to women, but Emotionally attracted to Men?

Hey all,

So, I'm kinda struggling with my sexuality, and it's made me question whether I should keep dating the woman I've been dating, or whether I should stop, because I'm just leading her on. I don't want to cause needless pain for either of us.

For several years now, I've identified as bisexual, because I've had sexual experiences and attractions to both women and men since I was at least 13. However, I had also concluded that I was probably mostly heterosexual, or a hetero leaning bisexual (1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale. respectively), because it seemed as though my attractions to and arousal from women were a bit broader and deeper than my attractions to and arousal from men. Put more bluntly, although I've often (but not always) enjoyed having sex with men, I've also had a more difficult time getting hard with men, while I usually find it easier to get erect with women. So I decided that it was probably a safe bet to date women as an out bisexual guy.

That said, I had some experiences recently that have really shaken me. After spending the night with women I've been dating, I awoke feeling that I wanted a man in my bed, annoyed that she was there instead. This despite having had really good sex the night before.

I also had the very distinct feeling - then and in the following days - that I wanted a husband, and not a wife. The more I think about it, the more I can only picture myself long-term with a man. And the thought of being married to the woman I'm dating - or any woman for that matter, fills me with anxiety and dread. (Admittedly, though, I was married to a woman once, and had a terrible divorce, so perhaps I'm just traumatized?)

Other times, when I've been close to coming with her, pictures of guys would pop into my head.

And yet, with a few exceptions, most of the sex with men I've had has been fairly lackluster (again, problems getting hard, not terribly aroused), although I sometimes get considerable emotional satisfaction from cuddling with and sleeping with a man.

So what am I to make of this? It seems like my emotional and sexual desires are out of alignment. And should I keep dating the woman I've been dating? I'm inclined not to, because, although I enjoy having sex with her, I'm worried I won't be able to develop deep enough emotional attachment to her, and will just end up hurting her.

Anything folks can do to illuminate this personal crisis would be helpful.

 

Thanks LooseMoose!

I've been wondering if this is the case myself, but it's hard saying. I tried giving it a good college try, but maybe I didn't give it enough effort.

Yeah, I don't feel confident dumping her just yet, either. It's not as simple as being unhappy - she's really great and we have fun and good sex together - but I do feel very uncomfortable about becoming more serious and that's a problem.

The other tricky aspect is that I live in a rural area, and people who I click with are hard to come by in general. It took me a while to find this woman (who is pretty great in many ways), and I don't want to throw that away unless I'm really certain that's right thing to do. It's scary to think I might dump her and then never meet a man I really click with.

If this is what is going on, how the heck does one manage to have a long term partner under those circumstances?

 

Thanks, cap colors. That's really sweet of you.

One minor update, if anyone is interested.

I had a long talk with a close friend, who is a gay man. I've known this man for many years now, and I've slept with him in the past, so I think he knows me pretty well. After telling him how I was feeling, he told that he doesn't think I'm a gay man, and that he's always seen me as a bisexual guy. Not on a 5 or 6 on the Kinsey scale. It was very reassuring.

He also suggested that I stop thinking in such black and white terms about this relationship, and consider non-monogamous options.

That said, it still doesn't quite give me the clarity I need to make a good decision about how to proceed with this particular relationship. It is still certainly possible that this particular relationship isn't a good fit, or that I still might want a man as my primary partner. But it least helped me realize that I don't necessarily need to terminate this relationship right now.

I've scheduled some counseling, and am looking to that helping me gain more clarity.
In the meantime, I've told the woman I've been saying that I'm struggling with my sexuality, and need a break for now until I gain more clarity. She didn't take it super well, but she appreciated my honesty.

 

In case anyone is wondering or following this thread, here is an update.

I talked to a therapist who specializes in orientation issues (and who happens to be gay) by phone for over an hour last week. It REALLY helped. He helped me to realize that I am bisexual, and not gay in denial, which was my biggest fear, especially with regards to my current relationship.

I also realized, after the call and some more reading, that perhaps my biggest block was that I was suppressing my feelings and fantasies about men because I was in a relationship with a woman. Like it made me feel disloyal or worried that if I indulged the fantasies, then I'd turn totally gay. But then I thought, so what? If it makes me totally gay, then good, I'll have learned something. And if I'm bisexual, then, it's also totally normal for me to have gay fantasies as a normal part of my life (Duh!).

And I also realized that no matter what partner we're with, we all have the right to have our own, private fantasy lives. It's okay! Lightning bolt! I don't know why I didn't make this connection earlier, but in part I blame my catholic upbringing. lol

As an interesting aside, my gay friend told me that sometimes he thinks about other guys when he's having sex with a guy, and that that's a totally normal thing to do. So, therefore, it follows that it will be totally natural for me to sometimes think about other people when I'm having sex, and since I'm bisexual, the other people I think about could be either women or men. Duh! Again, another lightning bolt of clarity!

Having freed myself to more fully embrace my erotic desires, I looked at a bunch of pictures of naked men, had some good fantasies about guys and masturbated about them, and felt good and whole. And, interestingly, after a while, I found that women started naturally creeping back into those fantasies, too.

I realized, ultimately, that what's going on is that I'm moving from a sort of begrudging acceptance of my bisexuality to a fuller and more passionate embrace of my bisexuality and all that that means in my life, including full freedom in my erotic fantasies. I guess it's just another step in my coming out process. :icon_bigg

I decided, therefore, to tell the woman that I've been seeing that I am bisexual as heck, and still really want her in my life. She told me she had been hurt by the uncertainty and the possibility of a breakup, and that we'd need to re-establish some trust, but that she really wants me in her life still, too. We proceeded to get together the next day, hang out, and have some very passionate and wonderful sex.

Luckily, she is also very queer, and has dated women and trans men, so she is pretty understanding, and I think, excited to have a queer male partner. And we've talked about having a consciously queer relationship - that is, being deliberate about not falling into hetero-normative patterns.

Finally (excuse the long post), she and I have talked some about the possibility of opening the relationship in 6 months or so, once we've established a solid relationship. I'm happy about that, and excited about the possibility of having a relationship with a man (if the right guy comes also) as well as with my gal. Or having some mmf threesomes, if we can find the right guy. But for right now, I really enjoy this woman.

So, I'm proud to report that I am doing well right now. Yay! :icon_bigg