Hello! :icon_bigg I am new here and I feel really weird writing about this on a forum filled with strangers, but there really isn't anyone I could talk to about this (I don't really have close friends and while I love my family, emotional stuff isn't something we talk about... Ever). Let's try to structure my thoughts a little. First, I used to have intimate contact with men, and I enjoyed it (well, with the one guy I met who knew what he was doing). I always used to consider women aesthetically pleasing in a way no man could be - in my opinion, at least. Until now (and, let's face it, in the future as well) I always met potential partners online, usually in dating communities. I am very introverted and just awkward around people. Ugh. And so, right now my best bet is to find someone while gaming. Now, with men, it has so far proven impossible to find someone for a relationship, but there's always a slight chance. Uploading a photo and typing in "looking for men" is easy. It's "normal". Thanks to the way our society works, interested men are most likely to make the first contact. But, the thing is, men don't really interest me that much. I can talk to them and have fun with them and I respect them, they are great people and every once in a while I might even have a crush on one. Sure, if you meet them online and only know them as a voice - not necessarily with a face, I don't go around asking people for pictures - it's easier. You fall for a personality and shared thoughts. But then there's the other side: I think I'm attracted to women - I love looking at them, and drawing them, and I sometimes fantasize about what I could do with them, from dating to... Whatever could follow. It's just that I never had anything with a woman. I can't tell what it would be like. Just like most people, I imagine a good relationship to be filled with trust and love and just living life together joyfully. Does it matter what genitals are involved? But men and women are different. I like to think that the difference between a man and a woman is the same as the difference between a person and another person - and maybe person A is lovely or it's person B. But in reality, I know it's not so simple. What with men and women being socialized differently, having evolved differently... I fear that I may at some point meet a woman who really likes me... and then realize that I cannot be together with her. Or the other way around! The thought of turning fifty, having a husband and maybe even children and then realizing I'm gay horrifies me. And of course there's this thing that I fear being unhappy forever because this issue stands between me and love. Not too mention that I have no idea how to look for a woman interested in women. People don't exactly have lesbian written on their face, so uh... How do people do it? Now what do I do? I feel like looking for women through online dating basically tells them I know what I want and then it all turns out awkward and frustrating. Sure, I can wait for that one lesbian/bisexual woman who plays my favorite online game, is totally into me and a great partner for me, we fall in love and everything solves itself. Just kidding. How many people are that lucky? Nah, chances are too low. What really interests me is how other women find out about these things. I don't meet people in real life - work doesn't count (and how!) and here it's not common to talk to random strangers on the train or in a shop or wherever. Ugh. I know 24 isn't old - but I feel all the good opportunities to meet people even as someone who's just very insecure are gone already - done with school, quit college. I'm basically stuck in a shitty job with shitty people already - and though I'll be done with that next year, I can't very well have "many opportunities for homosexual romance" in my criteria when looking for a job. I work in IT, damn it, of 50 people I meet one is female and my age. I really just want to be sure and find out what I want and what I am. I don't need a label... But I'm completely helpless in my situation. That was long, I hope I didn't whine too much :icon_redf Well, thanks for reading! :icon_bigg ~Zuhani
Well, I cannot really give you any advise. But for me it sounds like that you are interested in woman. It could be possible that you're bisexual with a preference for females or you are just homosexual. To figure out ones sexual orientation is always very confusing and takes time. So your doubts and worries are understandable. I think the best way to find out if you're romantically interested in woman is to meet them. I think as soon as you find another woman who is interested in women and who is potentially interested in you, you'll find out what you want and who you are. It's not always easy to meet other women who aren't straight. But still, the easiest way to get to know them is on the internet. Just an example, I'm on tumblr and I met most of my queer friends there. It also helped me to figure out my sexual orientation. To talk with others who are not heterosexual and who know how I feel was really helpful for me. Don't worry too much about it. I wish you the best of luck!
Well, you are quite right, talking to people would be the best thing to do - get to know others and their experiences. I suppose it's time to become more active! Thank you for your kind words. It's true... worrying doesn't help me.
