Trying to put everything in perspective.

First of all; hello everyone! This is my first post here, and I am delighted to make your accquaintance. The reason behind this thread is because I am hoping that someone could give me a more objective/rounded view of my possible orientation/sexuality, as I believe I cannot trust myself alone regarding this decision.

I am an 18 year old male in Pennsylvania. I grew up in a decently religious household, having parents who come from a country that can be defined as one of the most homophobic countries there are available (including ostracization, hate music, etc.). My family in comparison is more lenient, but I doubt by much (my mother seems conflicted but does know and talk to some who identify as gay, although my father (who lives separately) on the other hand, is pretty anti and likely would not hesitate to attack me). I have recently moved away from home for college, although not by a great distance.

My earliest experiences with nudity would include noticing another boy undressing in a locker room when I was around 7, and also seeing my dad naked for the first time. I'm not going to go into detail here, but my masturbation fantasies have included thinking about guys more than girls (although this is compunded by the initial fetishes I harbored before being exposed to porn, including such aspects as furry porn and feet fetishizing). I am fairly certain that when faced in a real life situation, I would avoid all aspects of sexuality completely both due to a desire to remain as celibate as possible and because I feel it would be what the "Christian" variant of me would do. I keep getting asked my family members if I have a girlfriend, or something along the lines of "so many girls will be hitting on him." The truth is, I have never really showed an interest in girls; my friends would be hotdogging them for numbers, while I just questioned the point of it if such a relationship wouldn't last anyway. Sure, I have looked at women in pornography, but honestly I see them more as people who should be admired for their intrinsic beauty rather than being lusted for; and the latter idea is just what mostly turns me off. Somehow I avoid the aforementioned question by either saying that I'm focusing on academics or just saying no. I think that since I am in college now, these questions will run more rampant in my family.

Truthfully, I do not have any relationship experience (or really intimacy) whatsoever. I would have initially considered the closet thing I had next to this would be pornography, but I have come to realize that this is not at all a reliable indicator of sexuality. I also (shamefully) admit that I have tried mundane tasks such as visual tests, measuring finger length, and have attempted "serious" online guidelines to try to gain a decent idea of my identification. I find that that the more I invest in trying to discover this aspect of myself, the more desperate I am for an answe that resolves my consciousness. I feel a voice screaming in my head saying, "gay, gay" (not literally), but Ican never be completely sure if this is what I feel. The weird thing is that at this point I would feel more disappointed being straight than gay, although I am not sure if this is either due to a few years' worth of OCD conditioning or an actual intuition/gut feeling I have.

So yeah, that's what I have. Thank you for listening.

 

Hello, thanks for responding and welcoming me! You brought up some points that I can definitely identify with (i.e. not being as responsive to looks and clothes as others would find to be a motivator and focusing based on my relationship to that person instead). Especially as mentally I could feel a possible sense of kinship with those I have expressed my feelings to and have known me for a long time. Because of this, I think demiromantic may fit better. I also have more satisfaction with the identification of being gay although I don't want to "jinx" myself just yet (as this would be an important decision to make in terms of potentially coming out, or if I somehow find a connection to another gender). But thank you, as this really gives me a good direction of a sense of self.

I guess if anyone else also has an opinion based on what I wrote, then I would definitely love to hear it. I could probably figure myself out from there.

 

It's hard to say. Growing up, I never necessarily had or displayed an interest towards anyone. The only way I could consider having a "crush" or being drawn to someone would be if I was very OCD about it. I can admire personalities and looks, but I have never thought of anyone sexually unless it was in terms of OCD. I tend to dissociate myself when imagining sex scenarios, either replacing myself with another person, imagining two random objects, or just one object. These typically involve malesor acts involving males. I think once, I thought pretty briefly about a male friend but I immediately felt gross and disgusted afterwards because it was as if I was invading some sort of privacy and friendship I had with that person. Thus, it wasn't fun to think about. On the other hand, I imagine myself being ravaged in love by someone than doing the ravishing, if that counts for anything (on another note I apologize for using this term; I realize that by the "violent" connotation I am referring to being desired by someone else rather than desiring another, but not in any way abusive).

I feel like my reasons for who I see myself being intimate with is biased, typically based on my upbringing, nature to overthink things, and my own personality. I guess for myself I am rather introverted and feel a better connection with someone I could connect with, but I could never be sure. I still think males but I don't know if it's me talking, or an anxiety-corrupted version, or someone who's pretending to be me who's also a bit self-sadistic. I just wish I had some sort of experience earlier that would have helped me define this, but at this point it's all awkward now. Honestly, I even feel a bit weird and creepy for writing this up. It's just that I've dealt with thinking about these things for so long by myself, that it doesn't seem like me at all when I see my thoughts articulated in this way. It's kind of like being an entirely different person from what my mother and family raised. :icon_sad: But thank you for your encouragement, and I hope to unravel this somehow. :lol:

 

...a guy? I guess romantically my mind is pretty homosexual. Whenever I think of a girl that way it almost always has to include raising a family with kids and having my parents' approval (as in, I've lived up to their expectations and they can die peacefully knowing that their son will keep the family alive in some way?). It seems like I'm their last hope in that regard as my older half brother is somewhat separated with his own family and my older sister does not seem to want to be involved with such anytime soon.

 

I guess much of what my family expects is ingrained within me as well. If I had known something different than that family structure, then I guess I would be more comfortable with anything out of that norm. But honestly, the typical structure seems like a boring way to live (in my opinion). On the other hand, I often feel as if I live my life in terms of satisfying others. I admit that I should care about myself more.

I guess sexual is the problem here; thinking of males sexually is really based off of pornography and imagination. As in, I would fantasize more about being sexual with a man than a woman. But since I never experienced any sexual endeavor of any sort, it's difficult to confirm.

 

I guess that may be a good reason for being here (in college). Time to distance myself a little from the 18 years worth of relationship with my family, and now learning how to live within a community. Also, could you please clarify a little more on what you mean about the "relying on real life situations" scenario? It seems interesting because I'm generally influenced by my thinking patterns and I'm assuming relates to how I directly feel towards others? Thank you by the way for opening my mind with these questions.

 

Yes, thank you. You've helped immensely. Now I play the waiting game. :icon_cool

 

Hey all, sorry for removing the "finale" for this thread, although this is really the only place I can feel comfortable sharing information (I guess due to a combination of relative anonymity and guidance).

So after two and a half more weeks, I've acclimated myself more into the college campus. With a finalized schedule and a fair amount of activities accomplished thus far, I have a pretty clear idea of what happens on a daily basis. I'm actually planning on going to my first ever LGBT group tomorrow and feel both excited and nervous as the same time, as it will be my first time socializing with a group of queer/questioning students (prior to this I have only had some one-on-one convesations during the summer, albeit with non-sexuality related topics).

"Begind the scenes," I'm still trying to find what attractions feel forced and whatnot. The weirdest thing is that I've begun to think more frequently about how "cute" certain guys look (in classes and my sports team) but I then stop myself immediately because it feels inappropriate (and as if I'm objectifying them in some way, which goes against my personal virtues). It's weird because I'm accustomed to thinking this way in fantasies, but otherwise (as if talking someone face to face) it feels...awkward? I mean, I've had purely gay thoughts on a daily basis (maybe 90-95% of the time) for the past few years (estimated beginning; a little after puberty at 13) and since then I've felt more comfortable with them to a degree (alhthough this may just be some sort of exposure effect). It's just when I judge these thoughts in the context of reality (my hesitancy to approach others and preference to be approached, conscious inability to picture myself as anything other than a composed, and the ineviatability of having to discuss with family).

I'm trying to figure out where the hell my attraction to women went. I mean sure, I never thought about them at all when I was young, but when I first found porn they were the first I went and masturbated to before I transitioned almost exclusively into gay porn. Now I can barely think about them because my conscious and unconsciousness seem to physically reject the idea and tries to conjure someting male-related (which could or could not be OCD; regardless it's starting to piss me off).

Sorry for this long, out of place post, but I actually feel rather traumatized by my mind right now. I hate this progression of events. It's like I already know the answer but I don't want to say it because I think my brain is lying to me. Do you know that concept in Sylvia Plath's Bell Jar with the fig tree? I don't even want a fig at this point.

 

Heh, funny thing. When I first thought of the idea of making conversation, I felt a little ill. But now I'm starting to warm up to the idea :lol: I don't know whether or not if this is a temporary dopamine spike, but I'll take it!

I guess first I have to confront how awkward I can be at certain times. I can fluctuate between being shy and confident depending on the person I'm talking to, although I can't say I'm much of a topic starter. Nonetheless, I am very much looking forward to tomorrow.

And yeah, I do agree with you about the porn; I guess I was just surprised as to how quickly my tastes evolved in a rather small amount of time.

Thank you

 

UPDATE:

I just came back. A good 90 minutes of my life wasted.

I was trying not to have expectations, but I failed. For some reason because it included only "queer and questioning" people, I assumed that more of the latter would show. I imagined that it would have been able to help me in some way figure out my identity (maybe people would share their experiences or something), but it did the complete opposite. Aside from the somewhat awkward seminar style seating placement, the conversation immediately jumped through gay marriage, trans representation in the media, Caitlyn Jenner, etc. I understand it is a safe space, but just having to hear people rant on and on about topics was just making my head explode. I felt even worse when, internally, I was against some of their points (primarily racial and political), and all throughout I had this intuitive sense that I should have never been there. Maybe it was just because many of the aforementioned events happened recently or because of bad timing, I don't know. But I do know that I hated it with a passion.

This is probably what I get for deciding to go to a private liberal arts school. People I know from my two weeks here was there with me and now it doesn't seem that I can completely wipe my hands clean (of course the group is confidential, but still). It was a bad thing expecting college to somehow help solve me of my problems. Honestly, I kind of give up now. My last hopes pretty much depended on the outcome of this meeting.