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Denying my sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Abe, Aug 20, 2015.

  1. Abe

    Abe
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    Why is it so hard to accept that fact that I'm gay? I know I can't change it, but I wish I could. I'm scared of men. I can't even make friends with anyone anymore because I'm too worried about them thinking I am gay. I watch my body language like a hawk, make sure I don't make effeminate gestures, etc. I don't want to be like this anymore, but I just don't love myself. I was with a woman for almost 10 years, and it feels like a lie. I was never into women. I just don't know what to do. I want to be able to accept myself & find love one day. I'm just scared. I wish I could get over my fear of being gay and my fear of men. Whenever I'm the presence of another guy (even if I'm not attracted to them) I get really terrified. My hands tremble and I almost go into a panic attack. I just want to feel normal and not hate myself.
     
  2. myself123

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    Hello Abe.
    I am sorry for what you are going through. I am not the most sorted person at the moment, but I can share my thoughts with you.
    There is nothing wrong with being who you are. Struggling with sexuality and oneself is hard. You could begin small :slight_smile:
    Try meeting up people/lgbt groups who you can be comfortable with. Where you can be yourself and interact with people who understand you and help you through :slight_smile: It doesn't have to be anything big, just small. The fear and panic attacks you have will begin to lessen :slight_smile: This could also begin to instill confidence in you and you will begin accepting and loving yourself. I understand your struggle and this is easier said than done.. but you will get through :slight_smile:
    Hope this helps :slight_smile:
     
  3. Abe

    Abe
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    thanks for the reply! I'm thinking of coming out to my therapist during our next session and see how that goes... it's really hard because even just saying the words out loud makes me shutter. I obsess about it to the point that it feels almost like OCD. I just ruminate thoughts over and over about how upsetting it is to me. It's hard to admit it even to myself, let alone others.
     
  4. Cubster1980

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    Yeah I am 35 and I am still struggling with my sexuality. Don't let it get you down. Whatever you are just be happy with yourself. Who cares what anyone else thinks.
     
  5. Abe

    Abe
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    Thats the thing... I don't care what other people think. It's what I think. My parents sent me to a christian seminar with "former" gay speakers who said to block porn from your computers and to marry women. It was really traumatizing at the time & I repressed my homosexuality. Even thinking the words "I'm gay" causes me extreme anxiety. Not only that, but it's caused me to fear men. I just want to be happy with myself. I'm trying my best to accept myself, it's just going to be a long road it seems. Thanks for the support though guys.
     
  6. myself123

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