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I feel like while there is a chance I might be straight I will never fully accept gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Confuseddude, Aug 23, 2015.

  1. Confuseddude

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    After working out that I'm not straight I realised that there have of course been numerous signs throughout my life but the human brain is a fascinatingly complex thing. My subconscious brain spent 23 years completely hiding any signs of homosexuality from my conscious brain - in order to do so my brain has distorted any signs of homosexuality and clung onto any possible sign of heterosexuality. The trouble is, if I am just 100% gay then I have the problem that my brain can still look back on all of those examples of being straight.....

    My earliest memory of viewing sexual material was looking at my parents clothing catalogs and going to the underwear section - I completely ignored any male models and focused only on females

    Only had female crushes for the first 20 years of my life. For the last 4 years I've not had many crushes at all (I think being addicted to porn may have something to do with that) but the few crushes I have still had have been just females.

    I only every notice females in the street, on TV at work etc. Never males.

    Porn. I know it's not a good indicator of sexuality however I have a real hard time getting my head around the fact that a 100% gay man can masturbate to lesbian porn. I've never been into gay male porn although I frequently watch straight porn (with some distinctly gay aspects) and focus on the guy. It's less frequent but none too rare that I was lesbian porn and if I'm in the right mood it can be supremely and entirely satisfying.

    Needless to say there is a very long list of things which point towards me being gay....the list is far longer but the purpose of this post is to see if anyone else has had similar feelings. Did you overcome them and accept that you are homosexual? Any time I get close to thinking that I'm just gay these are some of the things which come back to bug me.
     
  2. QBear

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    Re: I feel like while there is a chance I might be straight I will never fully accept

    Well, honestly, from what you've said, I see very little evidence that you are gay.
    Setting aside your porn preferences, you've only had crushes on girls, only look at women on the street, and only looked at female model in catalogs when you were little.

    Where's the gay? I just don't see it.
    Perhaps you are suffering from homosexual OCD?
     
  3. Wolfen

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    Re: I feel like while there is a chance I might be straight I will never fully accept

    i am going through this exact thing i have only ever crushed on girls and look at girls on the street and beach and dont find guys attractive at all but i find gay porn very arousing and have fantasies of screwing my friend. also thinking about straight sex is not as arousing as when i fantasies about gay sex but i can get aroused and climax when thinking about my ex girl friends. i am so confused. some days i think i am straight then other days i think i am gay and in denial and some days i think i am bisexual. its so confusing trying to figure out the truth for ppl like us. my one question for you is have you had many same sex sexual experiences as a young boy? if yes that could have distorted some arousal patterns. at least that is what i was told from my therapist
     
  4. Confuseddude

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    Re: I feel like while there is a chance I might be straight I will never fully accept

    Hey Wolfen,

    Sounds like we're in very similar boats. I relate to everything you just said.

    In answer to your question, yes. When I was maybe 8-12 or something like that. My first every sexual experiences were with a male neighbour of mine. He was a year ilder than me and as far as I can remember initiated everything. I remember knowing it was wrong and not wanting to do it but I also remember enjoying it. Tbh it's something I somewhat forgot about for many years, or rather it wasn't something I ever thought of but these days it does pop into my mind occasionally when considering my sexuality.

    Do you mind me asking how old you are and whether you have had any performance issues?
     
  5. Confuseddude

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    Re: I feel like while there is a chance I might be straight I will never fully accept

    And Hi Qbear, thank you for your reply :slight_smile:

    I haven't given any evidence of my rather gay side but I did mention that if I made a list it would be longer than the list of heterosexual experiences :slight_smile:

    I've enjoyed anal stimulation for years
    I frequently watch straight porn and regularly (but not exclusively) focus more on the males than the females
    I have regularly experienced performance issues when with women in real life
    I have always felt very awkward if I'm ever in a sexual situation with a women (or a situation which could become sexual)this is relevant now at the age of 24 and also righr back to the my earliest possible memories.
    My first sexual experience were with a male neighbour of mine - this ended by the tome I was 12/13 and remains my only same sex experience