Here's a simplified version of my story, I would appreciate all the help I can get. I remember kissing a poster of a boy I thought was cute as a 10 year old girl. I remember feeling bummed when the boy I wanted to take me to homecoming in 9th grade. I don't know if this was a crush or an idol, I can't tell, from ages 6-8 i was totally obsessed with a particular celebrity who was female. Everyday after school i would come home and watch a movie with her in it. I would get angry if people spoke negatively about her music. But I also remember discovering porn at age 10 or 11, which is extremely early - but my friend showed me it. Afterwards, I had an urge to look at playboy magazines and naked women... (Just like a little boy hiding playboy magazines under his bed!) I recall taking "am I bi?" quizzes when I was 11 and watching videos about being a lesbian on youtube. I remember flirting with girls online to feel aroused at age 12. I remember feeling scared afterwards, that I would get in trouble for talking to these girls. Similarly, I also remember talking to guys online in the same context. I even remember when I first discovered masturbation, it was always to lesbian porn. (I know porn is not an indicator of orientation now). When I was 16, I met a boy who I thought was at the time my "first love." I remember watching a movie with him and thinking, "What if I turn out to actually be a lesbian." So there you have it, a simplified version of my past. Now, let's get into the present. I was diagnosed with OCD and age 16 was the age where it started to really mess with my head. I started fearing that I was asexual (asexual) or even aromantic (feel no romantic attraction.) And still to this day, I question if I am either of the two. Infact, my first post on this forum was "Am I asexual?" Currently, I have never had sex or been in a relationship. I have a hard time seeing myself in a relationship. But, I have a really high sex drive so presumably would be willing to have sex with a male or female for pure physical pleasure. I don't know which gender I'm attracted to or if I have the capability to be attracted to any gender at all?! I see more "masculine" presenting lesbians online and in the media (I'm sure we can all think of some.) *cough shane from the L word!* ...I think they're sooo hot it makes my heart melt. My question is, what do you think based on my story? I feel like I will never know for sure what my sexuality is? Bisexual, gay, straight, aromantic, or asexual? I am so confused.
Hi Roseygirl, I understand ur struggles a bit. I was raised going to Catholic Schools and taught that love was between a man and a woman. I had crushes on boys when I was younger. When I was 14 I fell in love with my female best friend in high and so ensued twenty years of torture. We never we're in a defined relationship but emotionally we went through a lot Together. I am married to a man. I have two kids. I am close to forty, and recently have discovered or should I say accepted that I am attracted to women-probably more so than men. Never experimented with women, and I married my first and only boyfriend. Personally a label doesn't matter to me. I struggled with my feelings for women (I too watched lesbian porn, and love more masculine women-so with you about Shane btw... but only, for many years, identified as straight Bc that was what I was taught I was supposed to be. I didn't chose to fall in love with my female friend it just happened. After I allowed myself to accept my feelings for her for what they were I found a freedom in that and now totally have accepted that I have a strong attraction to women. I am still married, don't plan on leaving, my husband knows I am probably bi...and our marriage is not fantastic but currently I have decided to stay with my Commitment to him. Have you tried counseling? This may help you figure things out. Is marriage something that does interest you? Kids? I also have OCD so I understand how something like this could Mess with your head...maybe you should just figure out what you want from life-a partner, a connection, sexual encounters...and go from there: everything doesn't always have to be so defined. Go with what feels good, be with what feels good. To me you sound bi with maybe a preference towards women. But as long as you are happy with who you are with and most importantly who you are, that's all that matters
Thirdtimecharm, First of all, thank you for the reply! Similarly to you, I was raised to believe being straight and marrying off with the opposite sex was the only option. As far as counseling goes, I haven't tried it yet. I haven't talked to anyone in real life about how I feel. When I think about what I want from a life partner, I can easily make a list. But, some of it is kind of vein. If I were to be with a girl, I would prefer them to be more masculine. I feel like I'm limiting myself, but it's just what I find attractive. I'm also as I said, scared that I am aromantic or asexual and have no capabilities to fall in love or be sexually attracted to anyone. I don't want that. I can't tell if I really am an aromantic asexual or if it's just my OCD. I don't want to be that way. I've never been in a relationship, and something just about being in one seems scary and so different than what I'm used to... almost foreign. I don't want to get married, if anything a life-partner. And I definitely don't want kids, just pets. But, that's just a personal preference.
I suppose here's another question I have. How do I know for sure I am not aromantic or asexual? And what are the chances of me actually being this way? Am I just in denial about being aromantic/asexual?
Hi Roseygirl, I am not really in the same boat as you but I think I can help ease some of your doubt and worries. From what you've told us the chances of you either being asexual or aromantic seem pretty low. All the asexual people that I know have absolutely NO sexual interest whatsoever, they do not feel like having sex with someone else and the few who have experimented with masturbation barely feel anything and therefor have very little interest in it. Some could see themself in a loving relationship with no sexual intercourse (therefor aren't aromantic) and others are perfectly fine with their own company. In your case you seem to enjoy sex and have a high sex drive you also seem to feel attraction towards the female body and have developped crushes in the past. All of this lead me to think that you aren't remotely asexual or aromantic so wouldn't worry about that. about the '' not wanting a relationship and only wanting a certain kind of girl'' I am in the same boat. I have a perfectly normal sex life and happy life in general and I am not asexual or aromantic in anyway but still have a hard time picturing myself in a long-term relationship with anyone, it still scares me. Oppositely to you, I am only attracted to feminine girl so while it does limit me it's only a preference and it's absolutely normal. I personally simply think you are bi but what you are is up to you at the end, don't force a label on you !
Hi Linning, thanks for the reply. Overall, I just have this fear that I am the 1% of the world that is actually an aromantic asexual. I'm almost 19 now, and for the past two years I haven't been able to shake this fear. I know I have a high sex drive, but I've read online that sex drive and sexual attraction are two different things. I've actually never had sex, just participated in masturbation. And I don't know for sure if I've had crushes on girls and guys. It's really confusing. I'm glad I'm not alone in picturing myself in a long-term relationship. In fact, I have a hard time picturing my future in general. I have a hard time picturing my future career, my future happiness, ect. If I was indeed attracted to the same sex, I have a hard time actually believing it. I grew up thinking I was straight, and was going to end up with a man. I remember thinking boys were cute as a kid. I remember asking a boy to marry me back in kindergarten!! Not girls!! I don't remember having crushes on girls. When I started really really questioning my sexuality and thinking I liked girls at age 16ish, it was the same time my ocd and depression went out of control. I fear that once I get out of this 'ocd cycle' (if that makes any sense), I will realize me thinking that I liked girls was just fake. Because, the honest truth is, I get excited at the thought of actually being bisexual or gay. So, what if me thinking girls like Shane from the L word are the most attractive people on earth is no more than just aesthetic attraction. Does that make any sense? I know it sounds crazy, but I'm just being honest with my thoughts. I still feel so very confused and alone. ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2015 at 03:11 PM ---------- I would like to add this additional piece of information. I have had a hard time differing what sexual and romantic attraction really is and if I am actually attracted to someone OR if I just think they're cute/hot, want to be like them, or just be their friend. I have gone back and forth between thinking I am straight, gay, and bisexual. But all the time I have this distressing thought in the back of my head in which I fear that I do not have the capability to feel any romantic or sexual attraction at all. I hope nobody ever feels as confused as I do, it's not fun.
I agree with Linning. Don't force a label on urself. I didn't actually date until I was 21 and didn't have sex until I was 26. I only ever dated one man, only have had sex with one man. I actually loved a woman, was in love with a woman before I was married to my husband but too scared to do anything about it, too scared to accept that part of me. I am literally twice your age. You have your entire life in front of you. Do what you want to do. Get out there and meet people. Have fun. See who you have connections with and who you may or may not fall in love with. Be you. I have a particular type of girl that i am drawn too, those who are more masculine and androgynous...my best friend from high school was a total jock, no makep, very boy. Loved it. I am drawn now to women who are very butch, dress like boys, have a strong presence. It's interesting Bc my husband has a lot of feminine qualities which I like...so it's opposite for me with what attracts me to a man and with what attracts me to a woman. All that matters is that ur happy. Doesn't need a name. If your happy with ten cats five dogs, a girlfriend and a frog, so be it. Enjoy your life. Worrying about labels and who and what you are doesn't really matter. Just be you.
Thirdtimecharm, thanks I agree with not forcing a label on myself. But for me I know what will happen. I will get out into the real world, meet someone my mind tells me I like, and then get constant thoughts in the back of my head telling me I am not really attracted to them and I'm just aromantic. It's like an itch I can't seem to scratch out of my head. I've literally had this thought for two years. It's been going on for so long I have a hard time telling if it's ocd or if it is really true. I know I have my whole life ahead of me, and your sexuality is just a small portion of who you are. But, it's not like I started feeling this way last week... it's been two years. I've had obsessions in the past but they only lasted for a month or two before I realized how unrealistic and silly they were. But this just feels so real. And I've tried so hard to just go out and live life and meet new people. I've traveled, I've met new friends, I've read self-help books, I've practiced gratitude exercises. But no matter what, there is always that thought, that fear, that I will never actually truly feel any attraction.
Well then why don't you just let it happen and see how you go ? Yes maybe you'll go into the real world, think you fell for someone and then will realize that you didn't, that's a risk, but what's so bad about that ? Give it a try and see how it goes, at the end of the day that's the only way you'll get answers.
Linning, I've tried to my best ability to just let things happen but it's always easier said then done because no matter what, I still have that thought in the back of my mind telling me I don't feel attraction towards anyone even thought I so badly want to feel attraction.
Also, this is really weird, but is it odd that I will be disappointed if it turns out I am not gay or at least bi-sexual as opposed to being straight. I know it's usually the other way around, people usually hope they are straight and don't want to be gay.
Sorry for adding to this thread again. But I've been thinking around this question: What would it take for me to fully consider myself gay/straight/or bi? And the answer to that question is, if I fully knew for sure that I am experiencing attraction to someone &/or have in the past. But, I have a really hard time figuring out who I feel attraction towards, if that at all. Does anybody have any insight on this notion?
that's a great question, and something I wrestle with all the time. I wish I had an answer, or a clue
