Hi! This is my first post...I've been reading a lot of forum posts recently and have taken a lot of comfort from them, but I think it would be helpful to me to get some feedback from my own story. I've always thought of myself as straight, but I've never been a sexual person. Growing up, I was a chubby kid and always had low self confidence and assumed that no one would be interested in dating me for the foreseeable future. Still, for as long as I can remember I've always had crushes on boys, wanted to kiss them, date them, etc. Even though I don't consider myself to be a very sexual person, I have been aroused from movies, books, etc. One thing that I feel like doesn't align with the image I have of myself as straight is that I've been aroused by images of naked women. I didn't figure this out because I knew that I was attracted to women or anything, more like I stumbled upon something and then found myself aroused, and I have since gone back to things like that. While doing this stuff, I never thought of it as a big deal...I even remember brushing it off and thinking "If anything, I'm bisexual...who cares." Also, it's been a little over a month since I broke up with my boyfriend. My first boyfriend, first kiss, first sex, first everything. I loved him a lot, and I still have doubts about ending our relationship, and almost this twisted hope that maybe we can wind up together even though I must have hurt him so much....we had been dating for 2.5 years. All along, even though I felt like things were going great, I had this uneasy feeling that he was a lot more into the relationship than I was. Sometimes I would feel like I needed alone time, or feel like I didn't want everything we did to have to end in a makeout session. Don't get me wrong, I definitely enjoyed our time together, I was crazy about him and loved kissing, touching, hugging, whatever. But looking back, I'm nervous about the 2 things I mentioned in this post. Could the fact that I have been aroused by women signal that I'm gay or bi? And could the fact that I wasn't as into my last relationship as my boyfriend was signal it either? I've been in this endless cycle of thoughts and worrying for the past few months. Sometimes I'm worried that I broke up with my ex-boyfriend out of the sheer stress that these thoughts were causing me. This has really turned into an obsession of figuring out what my sexual orientation is.
Hey Brigami, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I had pretty low self-confidence in high school, and always crushed on boys, yet when the boy returned the feelings I felt like it made me want to run away. I thought that was a normal reaction. I don't know. I ended up dating a guy for a year, and another guy for a little while, but they were always the ones dictating the pace of the relationship. I didn't really "want" much; everything was fine. I loved them. But I wasn't in love with them. But regardless, breakups hurt. They really suck, even when things aren't rosy. They can make you doubt yourself. And you sound like you're feeling a lot of guilt about hurting him, even though all you did was listen to your instincts. Maybe this is something you need to figure out on your own, without worrying about his feelings. Arousal by nudity might indicate a shift in sexuality and it might not, but either way you have a chance now to figure things out for yourself. Maybe the answers won't become clear until you stop obsessing. Try focusing on other parts of your life, and letting yourself be okay with the breakup. Reconnect with your instincts, and see where they take you.
So you're attracted to men both sexually and romantically, right? But could you see yourself doing sexual things with a woman? Dating a woman?
Thanks for your replies. Honestly, I think I need to distance myself from obsessing over this stuff. I can't really see myself doing sexual things with a woman, or dating them in a romantic way. But right now, I think I'm becoming desensitized to everything, if that makes sense. When I think about being with men or women, I just can't come up with an answer to what I want. It's like i'm trying to force attraction: I see women and my first thought isn't "she's attractive," but rather "do I find her attractive? is she pretty? do i want to kiss her? have sex with her?" Plus rethinking my relationship doesn't help either. I'm focusing in on a lot of the bad things, but there really were a lot of good things. I dunno...I think I just need to get away from overthinking everything - it's kind of something that I'm known to do - just hard because these issues are pretty central to my life.
