Where would I fall on the Kinsey scale, and what is my romantic orientation?

I identify as some kind of bisexual, but beyond that, I'm pretty confused about my sexual and romantic orientations. I'll try to keep this post short (keyword: try).

I remember around age 11 or so, I enjoyed playing with my Polly Pocket dolls. I didn't really think, "I wish I were her!" and I remember enjoying taking off their clothes sometimes, and I don't really remember my reasoning. And I was also into drawing at that time, and I just found it really exciting to draw women's bodies: the curves of their hips and waists, and especially their breasts. I didn't get turned on (as far as I can remember), though. I didn't find drawing boys that much fun. I didn't think of it as gay at all because, 1) my mom's lesbophobia had rubbed off onto me (she was totally cool with gay men, though!), and, 2) I was pretty sure I liked boys.

When I was around 13, I got a big crush on a male classmate I'd known for a while. I can't remember all my emotions, but I think it was more romantic: wanting to be near him, touch him, etc. I don't remember it being sexual at all. This crush was unrequited.

The next year, the first year of high school, I was really noticing the guys. The feelings of attraction I had were like, "I want to be near them and I want them to like me back." Having no experience with guys made me want to gain experience, and I didn't really think about if I'd enjoy it or not. The sexual feelings I had were, "I want to strip naked in front of them and see their reactions," but I couldn't imagine actually having sex with them. When I fantasized about guys, I imagined some hypothetical guy who was completely dominating me. It was very hard for me to think about some guy unless he was in a position of extreme authority over me (principal, cop, etc.). Nothing else could get me off when I thought about guys. I ended up getting a boyfriend near the end of that year, but we never saw each other during the summer. I felt uncomfortable about the thought, for some reason, even though I had a crush on him. We had made out a couple of times, but I don't remember feeling anything from it. I just assumed this was how everyone felt. During that summer, we communicated solely through text-based MSN messages. I kept initiating dirty conversations with him, mostly about us either doing mutual masturbation, or him going down on me. Thinking about his d*** or much about him was disturbing to me at that time.

Then in grade ten, I began to have the similar kinds of feelings I had to that guy from when I was 13, to a female friend of mine I'd been hanging out with that year. My first reaction was, "What the hell? I've never felt this towards anyone but guys before." I don't remember how long that lasted for, but I think it freaked me out so much that I made it go away. Then I started being attracted to a guy I was hanging out with. Again, I didn't want to sleep with him or anything, but somehow our conversations had gone sexual. We ended up making out one lunch, and again, the kissing wasn't doing anything for me. But the he grabbed by butt, and then I felt a little bit turned on. From that point, I just assumed I didn't like kissing on the lips (it wasn't something I had fantasized about anyway). Me, not being the most emotional person out there, just assumed this was a completely valid thing. He asked if we could do it again some time later, but it didn't happen because I just wasn't that interested. I remember somehow telling him that the d***s I saw on sites like Om*gle or ChatR*ulette always looked so gross to me, and he said, "Then you're a lesbian." I interpreted this as an ignorant high school boy not knowing what he's talking about. Though it wasn't the first time I was called a lesbian.

In grade 11, I didn't really feel any attraction to guys, probably because I was bored because I felt like I knew them all at this point. Then I started to become attracted to that one female friend again. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I knew, and I fantasized about making out with her, kissing her neck, pleasing her, being a total gentleman to her. It was all new feelings, and I started to think it was strange that I was fantasizing about kissing her but never did with guys. I began to explore myself, and try to get over this mental block of, "Looking at girls is degrading them and is anti-feminist, and if anyone catches you, they'll think you're a lesbian," and began to explore the images on 4chan in the /s/ category. I realized that they were really, really hot, especially the ones of naked breasts. I was also not disturbed by these female genitals the way I usually was with males. I started to fantasize about sleeping with women, and it felt really hot, more normal (I could think about a particular girl, real or not), and more equal (it wasn't like I was being totally dominated, as I had to think about with guys). And thinking about parts of their bodies was hot to me. While I was sometimes aroused by guys with big arms, I couldn't ever get off to just thinking about big arms. It was very strange. As I was exploring this, I stopped thinking about guys for a while. It just wasn't nearly as hot, since this was all new to me. I was also getting these crushy feelings towards another girl from high school, whom I'd noticed right away in grade nine, but didn't really understand why. I told people I hated her, but it was more complicated than that: I disliked her because I felt like she didn't like me, but that made the thought of seducing her really hot.

In grade 12, I was calling myself bisexual in my head (but I didn't tell anyone, of course). I was developing slight crushy feelings on my lab partner in one of my courses. She was a devout evangelical Christian, so I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, but I guess I found the thought of seducing her even hotter because of that. Plus she had nice lips and beautiful breasts. But then halfway through, I had this really hot male teacher for one of my courses, so my mind was pretty focused on him then. But again, I couldn't fantasize about him and get off: my mind would have to think about some hypothetical guy for it to work. But he had great arms and a nice face. And I didn't think about kissing him, again. And if anything actually happened, I think I'd have been creeped out.

Then, first year of university, where I was surrounded by new guys. I paid attention to them, felt attracted to one, and had those feelings I had with the other guys: I just wanted to strip in front of him and see his reaction. Kissing and hugging wouldn't feel right. I ended up kind of hooking up with one of the guys at one point, but the day after, I didn't want to be around him, I found him annoying, and I didn't find him attractive.

Later on, I eventually got to this point where I thought I was too old to not have had sex, so I decided I'd find a somewhat-random guy to do it with. We saw each other a couple of times beforehand. I didn't really care that much. I just assumed it was because I was a sex-positive feminist who didn't need the patriarchy to tell her she can only sleep with men she's in love with. I didn't really know what was wrong with me. So I wanted to re-enact the things I fantasized about with guys, but it wasn't as hot in real life. And it was painful because I just couldn't get aroused enough for things to work right. I stopped liking him after that, and felt this desire to just screw around with him, so I ignored him when I saw him in real life, and he was clearly upset. I didn't really care. It was just kind of fun in a weird way. Again, I wasn't sure why I did this, or wanted to in the first place. I just assumed it's because I'm not emotional, and I guess I was forgetting all those feelings I had towards those girls in high school.

Then the next year, I felt these stronger crush feelings towards this girl in my class. She was super hot, intelligent, professional, and I found her so perfect, and wanted to kiss her really badly. I remember when we were getting our photo taken in a group, she happened to be next to me, and she put her hand around my waist. Immediately, my heart began to race, I blushed, my knees went weak, and I had this intense desire to make out with her. Of course, I didn't, and then felt awkward. Then she became the subject of many intense, realistic fantasies.

Later on that year, I was working abroad, and felt homesick and couldn't wait to be back in school. I began to feel very attracted to a much older man, and somehow ended up in some sort of relationship with him. It was very strange. He would talk about feeling warm around me, and I didn't feel this at all, and felt creeped out when he said these things. But I enjoyed when we did sexual things. But I didn't enjoy pleasing him. Sometimes I did it out of guilt or a feeling of obligation, but he enjoyed pleasing me, so things worked out okay. I did develop some feelings for him, but I couldn't see myself being with him for very long, and felt like I might as well stay for a bit because I like free food. I really just liked him going down on me, which I would often fantasize about. But I kept wanting to be with women. I didn't think I was a lesbian because I would look at muscular guys sometimes and immediately see myself sitting in their laps, riding them, and grabbing their arms.

When I got back to school, I decided I was going to act on this, so I ended up going out with a girl I met online from my school. On the second date, I remember at one point when we were talking, I had these intense urges to start kissing her. It felt like some kind of weird warm feeling in my lower abdomen. It was slightly painful. I don't know how to describe it. I hadn't felt this towards a guy, as far as I could remember. When we finally did end up kissing/making out, it felt natural and really hot. I was turned on. That was also new for me, as far as I could remember. Doing sexual things with her also felt natural, I actually wanted to please her, and I didn't feel the urge to look away as she stripped, the way I had with guys (because looking at them felt weird and awkward). I was aroused by thinking about it for many days afterwards, again, something I didn't feel with guys.

So, I'm pretty confused. Also, my crushes towards the two sexes feel different: with guys, it's full of adrenaline rushes at the thought of being around him, talking to him, etc., but I don't think about pleasing him or kissing him, or really even sleeping with him, and the thought of him doing things for me (and if he actually does things for me) makes me cringe and feel uncomfortable. And I don't think about having sex with him. With girls, it's thinking about kissing her, and thinking about her body, doing things for her, doing things with her, pleasing her, and her pleasing me. My heart races around her, but it's not the adrenaline rushes I get with guys. I don't know how to explain.

So, where would I fall on the Kinsey scale, and what's my romantic orientation?

Thank you for taking the time to read (or at least skim). Any help is greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you. I figured it made sense to be attracted to the genders differently, but I had to be sure.

I don't know if I can even see myself being married, but it's much harder for me to imagine myself with a man than with a woman (I always found it hard to see myself married to a man), especially since I can't seem to stay attracted to a man for more than a couple of weeks. As for dating, I find dating women feels better (unless it just so happened that all those guys before that one girl were just terrible for me, which seems unlikely). I have a tendency to just see guys as friends, or people to have a fling with (when I'm in the right mood), but the thought of dating them, and actually going on dates with them, seems weird. But I will probably end up dating some guys in the future, just to see if it's still not for me. Though I think it'd be weird to say I just haven't found the right guy yet.

 

I'm thinking I'm closer to 4 than 5, since I still sometimes see men with fit upper bodies and immediately see myself riding them and showing off to them. But I definitely can't see myself being anything lower than 3 or 4. I've heard of the "bi-dyke" (or "byke") label before and have considered using it, but I'm concerned my straight girl friends will think it means I'm fully lesbian.

As for the adrenaline, that's an interesting hypothesis. I don't think it's the second one, but the first option sounds probable. I know I've definitely felt obligated to do things with guys a lot of the time, without feeling any real desire to do it (whereas with women, I find it hot to please them). I also think a part of it is from an exhibitionist side of me thinking, "He's probably checking me out. I need to think about how I look constantly. I wonder how hot I look to him right now. What is he thinking right now?" I also feel this desire to tease for a reaction sometimes, without wanting to do things with him. It's really strange and disturbing. I usually just see guys as friends. The times I actually feel an attraction to a guy, it's not like that (or only very insignificantly). But like I said, I only think about being sexual with him, not being romantic. Maybe it's a power thing.

I got 4 on the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid Quiz.

 

Yes, thank you. Things make a lot more sense now. For the longest time, I was so confused about how people could be in these seemingly boring relationships where they do couply things and what not. Now I see that I just can't have that with men.

It's still very strange. It doesn't even always turn me on that much, it usually just gives me amazing adrenaline rushes and excitement. But when I fantasize about men, like I probably mentioned before, it needs to be a power dynamic, or it's not hot enough. But yes, the outlet thing is a problem. Messing with guys' hearts in my pseudo relationships with them is probably not good (but what a rush!). But I don't know about the dominatrix idea. I'll leave it as a maybe, for now.

 

Yep!
Thanks.