Hey guys! This is my first time posting on this website so I am excited to see what kind of replies I get. To be honest I am not even sure if this is the place for my troubles, but I figured it can't hurt me anymore than I already feel. My story is pretty long but I will try and make it as simple and straight forward as I possibly can. I have always considered my-self a straight female, never felt attracted to other girls what so ever. Until one summer, I met the love of my life. I was 20 and she was 21, she was the most perfect person I have ever met. We clicked almost instantly, it started with us hanging out with our mutual friends by the following week we'd kiss and I was pretty much already living with her. She's funny, smart, beautiful the only thing is, here I am a straight girl falling in love with this girl who is absolutely without a doubt a lesbian (she was butchy). At first we had to hide the relationship form our friends and I was worried about what I was doing but eventually it felt so amazing being with her that I came out to everyone except for my parents which is another story of itself. From the second we met it was an instant bond she was my best-friend, my partner in crime, my everything I have never felt so compatible and comfortable with anyone in my entire life. Sex was fun and new but it started fading away as I started to feel that maybe this wasn't for me, however we felt so happy with each other that I decided to just not care about that passion/sex aspect of a relationship. My love for her originated from a more tender place, I can't explain it but it just felt like I was more attracted to her beautiful face than her body part (breast, vagina...). We used toys and such but 98% of the time it was her pleasuring me. After a year or so I started to feel as if it weren't fair she was not receiving the same from me and so I brought it up she simply said its okay she's much happier being the pleaser. The problem was that even if she was happy with that, why was I not eager to grab/touch/kiss/feel her breast and well her privates. We sort of became girlfriends who rarely had sex but we were in this very serious, loving, happy relationship. We cared for each other so deeply I can't imagine ever loving someone this way. The way in which you'd sacrifice anything to see a smile in that person's face. (I know my story is getting long but bare with me guys). A year a half later we graduated college, (we were always very supportive of each other's future) decide to move across the country together, pack up our bags, 1 year old cat, 4 year old puppy and head for the hill. We lived together in California for about 2 years, where we explored and grew so much, all of the most beautiful moments in my life have been with this person, until I broke it off. There was a feeling inside of me that kept telling this would never be a forever thing, she's a girl and I am simply not attracted to girls. Although I was attracted to everything about this girl, I was still not sexually burning up with fire over her just so much tenderness, warmth, compassion, love rather. These feelings started surface more and more until I couldn't take it anymore, I felt selfish for dragging her along but I was truly in love. We broke up for what was the worst 3 months of my entire life, I lost about 20 pounds it was unhealthy. Suddenly the person I spent with every single day was not a part of my daily life. This is where the pattern began, she began trying to forget about me by drinking every single night and hooking up with empty girls. I became furious and lost I felt as if I had lost the love of my life. Suddenly I was questioning my decisions, wondering what was wrong with me? Why can't I have it all with the love of my life? Eventually, we got back together but stayed living in separate houses (4 blocks away from each other -_-). The problem was that those feelings of uncertainty kept crawling back no matter how hard I repressed them. Am I afraid of being a lesbian? Coming out to my parents? Am I just a straight confused girl? I know this sounds ridiculous but our story was far from that. It was beautiful the way we cared for each other. There were a couple of other break-ups along but the way but we always came back to each other. See the unhealthy part now? We could never let go of each other, we spent every single night sleeping over each other's place, going on road trips, hiking, traveling exploring all the beauty in this world. At times knowing that this isn't right but we just loved being in each others presence. I would like to add she's an extrovert everyone loves her its impossible not be want to be her friend. I am more of the shy type and introvert although our break-ups where always harder on me because of my lack of interest in people/friendships they were always tougher on her. She would become a bit self-destructive partying and drinking. Our relationship went for over 5 years until recently. We talked about how old we were getting and why after all this time I felt uncertain, she wondered if we would ever move back in together, I wondered the same. As much as I love this girl something holds me back. Why is she my soul-mate and not my soul-mate at the same time. Is sex the reason for these feelings? We decided to end things, we swore we would be strong for each other. The problem is that I am not, I feel depressed, sad, all I do is cry and force myself to sleep all day in the dark (painkillers, weed..)I second guess my decisions, start to regret things I did and did not do, I have no interest in anything or anyone. I don't even go to work because it's so hard pulling myself together. I just want her but when I am with her I start to feel unsure regardless of how crazy happy and how much fun we have together. I know I can't just ask for her back, regardless I just want nothing but the best for her life, I want her to have a fulfilling long successful beautiful life, with or without me. I just wonder what other's have experience that I could maybe relate to. Sorry for the long story guys.
Hi Clementines101, I wish I had an answer for you and could tell you I know exactly what is going on and why you feel the way you do but unfortunately I cannot. I can relate to the love you speak of that you have with your best friend and how you felt being together, how she is your soul mate and I can feel the love you have for her through your words and how you express how much she means to you. It sucks when something that you want to work out so bad, does not and you feel like you are the cause of it. From reading your story it would certainly seem that you are definitely not just straight. You have had an emotionally and physically intimate relationship with another female. Have you really delved into your feelings regarding your sexuality on a deeper level? Outside of what you feel for her? I ask because I had a relationship with my bff that began when we were 14. It was very similar to your relationship however we were never physical with one another and my relationship was purely emotional and spanned a period of twenty years. I thought that my feelings were soley for my bff and did not really consider or accept that my feelings may be bigger than just for my best friend---meaning that I had an attraction to women in general. I did a lot subconsciously to convince myself that I was in love with my bff because of who she was, and I was in love with her, her personality that it had nothing to do with her being a woman. I held onto that until about two years ago when I finally began to go to a therapist. My therapist has helped me sort out so much of my feelings when they come to my bff and my sexuality in general. She has been a life saver. By going to her I was able to uncover so many feelings and also accept who I was for who I was and that included me being attracted to women (I am in a hetero marriage and have two kids and grew up in a very Catholic environment). Are you afraid of coming out? Did you grow up in an environment/family where it was not accepted? Maybe you have internalized homophobia (a term I learned from this forum) and subconsciously are sabotaging your relationship with her? Just a few things that I would think about... Being here on this forum will help. There is a lot of support offered here. As many wise people on here have told me, keeping talking and sharing, that this will open doors for you and hopefully give you insight. I am sorry you are hurting right now and are confused and sad. I hope that you are able to sort your feelings out for her and stay connected.
[/COLOR] Thank you so much for replying! I really appreciate your time and kind response. I wouldn't say I am necessarily scared of coming out as I am just unsure. I guess if I felt more certain in that this is the person I want to spend my life with I would without a doubt come out and feel proud. As for sabotaging myself is something I actually thought about but then I realize that I do actually just wish I could simply consider myself a lesbian without a doubt. It scares me that I have never felt sexually aroused/attracted to other women besides my ex but I had an emotional connection with her which made it easier for me to feel sexually aroused (sometimes, not always). The problem is that it is not passionate and it tends to feel like something I am not always looking forward to. In fact I sometimes find myself looking for excuses, (not feeling well, tired and so on..). With my past male partners I've had much deeper sexual connections to but never as strong as the emotional connection and bond that I have with her. I actually decided it was time for me to talk to someone about this so I did seek a therapist. Now I have a quick question, do you believe a female therapist can help me better with this issue? I was given a male and I am starting to wonder if a woman would understand this specific situation more.
I think either could help you, depending on whom you feel more comfortable with. Some of us are reading "Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love..." By Lisa Diamond, looking for answers. According to what I've read so far, it's entirely possible to have a straight identity but still have these "one-off" experiences. I don't have a lot of answers, but :welcome:, and keep posting. I find that writing down my thoughts and questions has helped me figure a lot out, even without the wonderful feedback!
Me personally I have a women who specializes in LGBT issues and is gay herself---I wanted to feel comfortable about being able to speak freely about my sexuality. She has been amazing. I am not sure, which you feel more comfortable with a woman or a man. The way ur describe sex with her sounds like how I feel in my marriage right now. I don't know if it's because I don't want to have sex with him or if it is because sex in general does not interest me or because I would rather be with a woman. Maybe for you, you were together for so long things became tiresome. Boring. I have also heard that losing interest in sex is a common problem between two women who are partners---although I am not speaking from experience Bc I have never been with a woman. I think going to talk to someone will be so beneficial for you in helping you figure things out. Good luck! Always here to talk if you need someone.
Re: I feel so trapped and it's killing me. It sounds like there's a lot going on here, but to start with, a couple thoughts. First, it seems like you were happy and pretty comfortable with her when the relationship started. I know it's been a few years at this point, but can you think of anything that changed about the relationship around, or just before, the point where you started feeling less comfortable? It could be anything - maybe even something that seemed like a good thing at the time. But it's possible that it's something that you weren't comfortable with, for any number of reasons. Which brings me to a second point. It sounds like you were feeling a lot of guilt in this situation, despite her assuring you that things were okay. For example, the fact that she was comfortable being the one pleasuring you when it came to sex, or feeling guilty for "stringing her along" by continuing the relationship. I don't want to sound intrusive, but thoughts like these speak to a low self-image on your part. Just to check, was there anything about the relationship that made you feel as if she was actively dissatisfied? Did she seem unhappy at all, or making choices that were bad for her while you were together?
Re: I feel so trapped and it's killing me. Thanks for the reply! At first things were great I guess that the more committed we got the more scared I got. I feel like I am always questions the importance of sexual connection vs emotional connection. As much as i love her I do not necessarily feel excitement from kissing her nipples and I have only gone down on her twice and I don't feel very rushed to try it again. Although she doesn't care, she often tells me she's happier giving me pleasure and she's incredibly shy when it comes to her body as she's a much fuller, curvy, bigger woman. Which I am fine with I love her as she is either way she doesn't like girls going down on her. Is my lack of interest that worries me. I don't know if its guilt or a mix of guilt and concern. Also as for low self-imagine I am not sure what you mean. I don't feel as if i particularly have a low imagine problem, I don't believe I do but then again I can be pretty insecure. My life with her is great and I am so happy to have her but can this be a successful relationship?
