Hi guys, sorry if this quite long, but thank you if you choose to continue reading. I'm 22 and I've come to terms with being gay within the last year or so. I'm sexually attracted to women. The emotional part was there in the past, but I've been in denial for a long time and I'm assuming it will be back when I meet more queer girls and become more accepting of myself. I have zero attraction to men, physically or emotionally. BUT the only thing that gives me a lot of doubt in my sexuality is something that happened when I was 18, my first year of college. I was already insecure about my sexuality, but I didn't put my finger on being gay. That year, I began forcing myself to be into guys. I was drinking a lot, I started having sex with guys a few times, I lost my virginity. And so I thought I was straight. One night I went to a party, and I was pretty drunk. We came back to my friends' apartment, and I met some new people that my friend knew from home. I noticed this boy in the corner. He was quiet, calm, and cool. He had a skater boy style, long silky hair, tall and lean. I was immediately drawn to him. He noticed me drunkenly staring at him and thought it was hilarious. We began talking, and we had chemistry from the start, the same humor, outlook on life. For the rest of the night we were glued at the hip. This was the strongest I have ever felt for someone in my life. I liked his body and holding his hand and resting my head on his shoulder, and when he put his face against mine, I got the most overwhelming feeling of emotion and excitement. We thought one another was the most beautiful thing we've ever come across. So we sat up talking all night, and then found a place on the floor and fell asleep intertwined. He left the next morning while I was still sleeping. I found out through a friend that he had lied to me about his age and was in fact three years younger than me. I felt ashamed and disgusted, and I cried the whole next day. And then the whole week. And I couldn't eat or sleep or focus. We were now friends on facebook and twitter, but we didn't talk. Sad weeks turned to months and I couldn't stop thinking about him, I felt fully obsessed with the thought of him. My friends were confused as to why I was crying on New Years Eve. I spent everyday for a year thinking about him, with zero interaction. And THEN we were united at a party a full year later. I thought I would feel the same about him. The moment I saw him, I had zero attraction to him. He had gained muscle mass and grew facial hair, and now he looked like all of the other guys that I had no attraction to. His personality was different, he seemed more hardened, loud, and aggressive, more masculine. I left that night utterly confused. I felt in love with the person I met a year before, but not with this person. And I was so ashamed that I felt in love with with someone so young :bang: So I continued for months to feel addicted to the thought of him. Because if he was the only guy I could have felt attraction to, then I would keep my feelings for him and wait until we were both older. A good year or so later, I started to get over him. (Just a little note: Although I felt so attracted to him, I never felt real sexual attraction to him at any point, so that was another confusing part of the situation.) And that's when my beautiful and scary journey to realize I was gay began. All the while, in the back of my head I felt confused as to why I had felt so strongly for this boy. Today he is 19 and I feel nothing for him. He began dating someone and I actually feel happy for him. To this day, I have yet to feel something so strong for another person. I also have yet to feel any form of attraction to another male, while I have felt sexual attraction to women on numerous occasions. Basically, I'm curious to hear any kind of feedback. I don't regret meeting him at all. This one guy changed my life in the best way possible, even through all of the heartache and confusion. I see the beauty in life and look forward to the future. I live with a lot more passion and emotion. I don't want to feel insecure anymore about the situation, especially when I want to begin exploring my attraction to other women. I hear about so many women realizing they are gay through a female "trigger crush." But my trigger crush was a boy. And I want to just accept I'm gay, but it's hard knowing I have yet to feel anything for a girl as I did for a guy. So yeah any feedback or similar situations would be greatly appreciated. Again thank you for reading. (*hug*)
Well, it could mean you are attracted to tomboy and/or butch women. Some boys still in puberty can resemble tomboy or butch women, because their testosterone hasn't fully kicked in yet. Future example, some queer ladies who blog at the autostraddle website have reported being attracted to mid to late teens Justin Beiber, cause he reminds them of butch or androgynous gals they've known. Not exactly my cup of tea, but I get their point.
Even if you don't regret meeting him, I'm sorry that you had to go through some of that stuff D: It's an interesting story you posted. Have you perhaps ever felt drawn to any other guys you've seen, but never got the chance to talk to them?
This is what I've been thinking about a lot, but really I haven't been attracted to many tomboy/butch girls. It might be because I haven't met many in real life. ---------- Post added 28th Aug 2015 at 04:23 PM ---------- I've never felt drawn to another guy. I've had small little infatuations to "pretty" guys from afar but I've never had any other emotional connections upon conversing. Just a lot of guy friends. And absolutely zero attraction to any guys' bodies.
My best guess for now is that you're homoflexible or that you're demiromantic towards men. You might need a strong emotional attachment with a guy if you were to be attracted to him.
Hmm you might be right, maybe they need to have the criteria of looking on the more feminine androgynous side. Thanks for your input
This is a really interesting story. I have heard of gay people falling in love with people of the opposite gender, but often, like you said, not with any accompanying sexual attraction. I think it could be possible for gay people to have long-term relationships with people of the opposite sex, but it depends how deep their orientation goes, and how much of their identity it encompasses. Do you think you would have pursued a relationship with him had the age difference not existed?
I agree, everything is so up in the air when it comes to attraction to people. But I think believing I was straight (and having my drunk goggles on) had a lot to do with me even getting to know him. When I met him, I liked all the features about him that I wanted to like, and kind of omitted all the other parts of him being a guy. So a year later, when he grew up a little bit, and resembled more of a man, I was repulsed. But to answer your question, I would say possibly, but I'm leaning more to no, just because of how quickly I would have realized I was repulsed by his body sexually. And I don't think I would have allowed myself to face my sexuality that soon, and with him. I was very insecure at that age. I don't think I ever could have come out and told anyone about my attraction to girls. But if I knew off the bat that sex would never be in the equation, without needing to even discuss, I think I would have. Or maybe in this alternate universe where he was gender queer (like I think I saw him to be), I would have pursued something with him. It's all so crazy. But if this all happened in the present, where I am more confident and know who I am, I most likely would have never developed feelings for him. Thanks for the question, that's really interesting to think about
Yup, it happens. The wife of the mayor of New York City identifies as lesbian, and dated women exclusively for many years before she married. Not sure what's going on there - maybe she is really bisexual, but prefers to identify as a lesbian? But anyhow, it happens.
This topic reminds me of a passage I read in Lisa Diamond's sexual fluidity study, in which there were essentially two different types of lesbian women - those who had experienced sexual attraction towards men but could not imagine falling in love with one, and those who had never experienced sexual attraction towards men but believed they could/had formed strong emotional bonds with them. The only lesbians who experienced fluidity of their ascribed sexuality were those who had experienced sexual attraction towards men - with some at some point falling in love with those they were attracted to. The other type still did not ever experience sexual attraction towards men. I believe I fall in the latter category. I have felt a brief, general attraction to men who could be described as stereotypically "hot", but these feelings felt sort of objective and not really belonging to me, and I felt I could look at them again and feel nothing. This is nothing compared to the few attractions I have felt towards women - which feel very subjective, involuntary and lasting. I think there should be a rule for analysing your attractions and which you should act on - where you shouldn't pay much credence to those who you *can* feel attraction towards (which can be created through imagination, ingrained expectations etc) but those who you can't *not* feel an attraction towards. I will try to follow this rule from now on, but I know it will be hard to allow myself to be entirely guided by forces outside of my control. But I think it's the only way I will feel certain and trustful of my feelings, and the only chance I have of finding stability.
My god, this is brilliant! I really think you are on to something here. It's also perhaps a good suggestion for any long term relationship, gay, straight, or otherwise. That is, for a relationship to have staying power in a world full of stress and turmoil, you'll need to be VERY into your partner so that you have the inertia it takes to get through the tough times. At least in my humble opinion.
Thank you! I definitely agree it's a rule that should probably be adhered to whatever orientation. I think a lot of straight people mistake settling for settling down, and they can do it because, unlike gay people settling for a straight relationship, say, there isn't a feeling of wrongness that forces them to call it quits, but rather just a sense of "blah" which isn't so noticeable/urgent a feeling. But as I said, there is a part of me that fears being lead by these involuntary feelings, in part because they might create a "rose-tinted" effect - for example, often the strongest & profoundest feelings I've felt towards women have been just from a side-glance, and upon full-viewing realise they were based on a projection rather than a reality (maybe like "beer-goggles"?). But still, that projection must originate from some real desire, so perhaps one day I'll see the real thing that will live up to the projections...
Sure, it's true that you can feel attraction that's based on projection, and that can be fleeting. BUT, when you meet someone who triggers that involuntary attraction consistently and persistently, then you'll be on to something (or someone ;-) ) (I'm biased and totally infatuated right now, but I really can't get over how attracted I am to my current sweetie right now, like ALL the time. I've never felt like this for anyone, male or female before, and was worried I never would. So it can happen. ) And, as far as relinquishing control, its not as scary as it seems. It's not like your going to completely shut your brain off. You can still make rational decisions if something isn't working.
I really like this idea, and I guess that's what I've been doing for quite some time now, waiting for an authentic attraction. I think when I am lonely, my want to find refuge in other people kicks in, and that's when I begin to place those idealistic projections onto other people. But I'm happy that I know enough now to not get men involved:icon_wink ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2015 at 12:25 AM ----------
