So this might end up being a long story but here goes... So I visited a male friend's flat yesterday evening on my own, with a fair amount of caution as this guy has always been pretty flirty with me (to the point of bordering on creepy) ever since we were friends at school over ten years ago. But I figured eh, he's pretty harmless really, and kind of fun to be around generally. So I went round and he was making a lot of kind of jokingly suggestive comments, which I shrugged/laughed off, although, like when anyone makes those sort of advances towards me, I did experience a slight sexual response to the suggestions being made. We ended up playing drinking games and I got pretty tipsy. I knew what his intentions were, and for some reason, I started to want those things to happen. In my head, I wanted him to make a move on me, I wanted to have sex with him even though I'm not physically attracted to him in the slightest - I mean, my female friends have talked about the two of us like there's this inevitability that something will happen, and every time they do I quite honestly & confidently reply "ew, absolutely no way!!!" (and in my head, DO YOU NOT KNOW I'M GAY???). Yet while I was hanging out with him, I was seriously thinking about starting up a friends-with-benefits type situation, because, well, sex is sex. And he was making moves on me - like, cuddling, sensual hand-stroking etc. Which I'll admit, I didn't feel completely comfortable with, even though my sex drive was going off. Meanwhile, also during that evening, I was experiencing a really sharpened sense of my sexuality - the feeling that I am really, deeply, profoundly gay, and always have been. As usual, those feelings were really overwhelming and kind of depressing. But here's where things took an unexpected turn. Before I left, me and this friend were talking about dating and stuff, and I eventually managed to admit that I really just needed to get a girlfriend, just to know (he knows I'm not straight btw). Then he admitted to me that he's kissed & slept with multiple guys since school, and has been having an affair with his best mate who's currently in a long-term heterosexual relationship! I wasn't entirely sure whether I believed this as this guy does have a propensity for lying, but if the affair story wasn't true, it seemed like the desire for it was. Anyway, this declaration ended up being a catalyst for a lot of opening up, and it was great to talk about all the confusion and conflicts of not being heterosexual in a heteronormative society with someone else who feels the same way. But now I don't know where I stand. I still feel, more than ever, that there is this constant, innate identity lying dormant which could only be brought out by the love of another woman. An identity that exists regardless of outside influence - the identity I would have if I grew up in a vacuum. Even thought the fact of being gay causes me to feel really depressed at times, I can only imagine that kind of pure, instinctive happiness manifesting from a relationship with a woman. I can imagine feeling butterflies & serious, undeniable feelings, as well as a domestic future with a woman. But, as everyone knows, finding "the one" is exceptionally difficult. And what should I do in the meantime? Where guys are concerned, I feel like I finally understand how straight girls do that whole ~casual sex~ thing, whilst also simultaneously understanding the predicament of lesbian women that end up married to guys for long periods of their lives. But if I go down the route of sleeping with guys (since there is apparently a general urge there) what if I end up succumbing to a straight lifestyle/persona, and end up burying that inner identity again? I want to be able to live life in a unified way, to feel comfortable coasting along the surface while still feeling things in a deep, connected way. Again, just wondering if there's anyone who has come out to themselves as gay, while realizing/exploring a desire to have sexual relations with the opposite sex...
bump! also could mods maybe move this to family, friends & relationships? think this thread might be better suited to that sub-forum.
