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Why are most people confused about their sexuality?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by sporn, Aug 30, 2015.

  1. sporn

    sporn Guest

    The reason I'm confused about my sexuality is because I have a hard time knowing whether I'm attracted to someone or not. A lot of people think that's impossible. I wish I could be one of those people. It must be so nice to just know who you're attracted to.

    I have several theories about why I have trouble with it.

    1. I'm somewhat asexual. Not being strongly attracted to anyone can be confusing. A lot of asexual people seem to have the same problem.

    2. When I was in middle school I suppressed my attraction to girls and tried to make myself like guys. I think that made me detached from my sexuality. My sexuality seemed to get even more confused/detached when I tried to come out and everyone insisted I was just straight. I think a lot of queer people deal with this, but they never seem to end up as confused as me.

    3. I have OCD. A lot of people win OCD seem to have the same problem.
     
  2. Jax12

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    I was very confused for a long time because I thought I had genuine attractions to girls which, now I realized, I have mistaken for sexual attraction. I could find girls attractive but I would not want to date them.

    It took me a long time to realize I was not comfortable with dating girls. I was obsessed with my attractions but my therapist says I do not have OCD.

    Things just didn't add up for me; it didn't make sense. I'm mostly gay, but gay is the label I tell other people in conversations.
     
  3. mangotree

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    For me, when I was younger, I knew that I was gay, but I didn't WANT to know that I was gay.
    Letting go of being a "normal" heterosexual isn't something to take lightly.
     
  4. TeaTree

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    This. And I managed to rationalize it away all the time.

    Also I didn't exactly put a label on myself, like nobody from the outside told me I was gay so I'm not.
    The only lesbian I knew in high school was so different than me that I can't be gay.

    Also growing up in a deeply homophobic society didn't help.

    Another thing, my parents never talked about anything love, sex, even emotions related. So when I didn't like my first kiss with a guy and was grossed out when he was touching me I got terrified and the only thing on my mind was that I cannot feel this way, like I didn't allow it to myself.

    This was followed by years of confusion.
    I guess it is also something related to sexual fluidity.
    I got somehow socialized into this heterosexual way of living, and was able to live this way tough I always felt something is missing.
     
  5. Mischief

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    Really and honestly, I don't have enough romantic/sexual experience to actually know my sexuality. :/
     
  6. foxconfessor

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    I can definitely relate to this. I've gone through years of disassociation - to the point where my identity now feels very unstable - I go through filters all the time, which are very dependent upon the gender of the person I'm communicating with. The detachment for me comes from not accepting my sexuality on a conscious level - to the point where I find it difficult to feel connected to what I'm saying when I'm talking about it out loud, just because my sexuality has always existed on a suppressed, subconscious level.

    But I think there are certain things that cut through this discordance. True attractions, for example - I mean, the really involuntary, powerful, undeniable attractions. Also, being exposed to how other people think of you. Whenever people have talked to me about potential boyfriends, or guys I've implied to them that I fancy, I experience this really jarring, awful, anxious feeling... now, I don't want to appropriate trans people's experience, but the closest thing I can compare it to is being misgendered. Having these fantasy feelings reflected back to me - it cuts through all the illusions of heterosexual attraction like a knife. On the contrary, if someone spoke to me about a girl I felt an undeniable, genuine attraction towards, I would feel like my true self was being exposed...
     
  7. YuriBunny

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    When I was confused about mine, it was because I couldn't distinguish romantic feelings from friendly feelings.
     
  8. Canterpiece

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    This ^

    I always assumed I was straight because the majority of people are, so when I started having feelings for girls it was a rather confusing time for me. I was always told by people around me that boys can't be friends with girls when I was younger and that they must want something more from them.:dry: Which isn't true obviously since platonic boy/girl friendships exist, I mean take me and one of my close friends for example if you need any proof of this.

    Personally I didn't buy it, but it was hard distinguishing romantic feelings from platonic feelings, since it's usually not something you're taught but rather you learn in most cases.

    I went through a time where I wasn't really sure of my sexuality, I knew I was into girls but I wasn't sure what my feelings for guys were, but overtime it came more and more apparent I wasn't into guys that way. Sure, some people just know their sexuality from the get go,but for others it takes time. The individual reasons why people are confused about their sexuality really differs from person to person. :slight_smile:
     
    #8 Canterpiece, Aug 30, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2015
  9. RainOnVII

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    I second this. I had a "crush" in middle school, and I confessed to them, but really? Nowadays, I don't think there was any attraction at all. It was the peer pressure of friends asking, "Do you like someone?" and having to have someone you liked.
     
  10. eightisgreat

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    Because there are so many labels. I didn't know half of them before I looked stuff up.

    I always thought I was gay, then people told me I'm probably not, and again that i am... etc. etc. You are that, you are this...

    Since coming here on this forum, I definitely think I'm gay. :slight_smile:
     
  11. sporn

    sporn Guest

    I can relate to the feeling of being misgendered. I hate that people see this made up straight girl when they look at me. It's even worse when it's a guy that's sexually attracted to me. I hate that they think that fantasy girl in their head is me. Since I'm not butch there isn't any visuals that prove I'm not that girl. I hope that dying my hair unnatural colors will help with this.
     
  12. mochii

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    I'm aware of my attraction to girls, but because of years of thinking I was supposed to be dating guys, I have a hard time recognizing romantic attraction to girls. Plus, like you I totally detached myself from my sexuality. It was easier to avoid it all together than to approach it. So yeah I have a hard time finding anyone attractive.
     
  13. QBear

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    Yes, heteronormative conditioning is a very strong force that makes it very difficult to sort out what is intrinsically ones own sexuality and what is conditioned.

    The feeling of being "misgendered"- rather, perhaps "misoriented" is more correct - that Foxconfessor and Sporn mentioned is a really interesting phenomenon.

    I'm bisexual and hetero leaning enough that I can pass for straight if I wanted to, but I feel that way, too. Being seen as straight just feels like a lie. It's gotten to the point where I won't date most straight identified women anymore, because often their default is to see me as straight and it feels uncomfortable. I'm very fortunate to be dating a wonderful queer woman that I really like right now, but I get nervous about introducing her to people because I don't want them to see us as straight. My sweetheart and I are developing ways to be visibly queer in public, but it's not easy. But I know its even worse for folks who are gay or lesbian and can't fit in even if they wanted to.

    Regarding Sporn's original question about having difficulty knowing who she is attracted to, I wonder if age may have something to do with it. I am not a woman, so I'll defer to the experience of older women on this forum, but some people (notably sex advice columnist Dan Savage) believe that many women don't enter their sexual peak until around 30. If that's true, it might delay the experience of the sort of undeniable physical/sexual attractions that can be very clarifying until the late 20s or early 30s for some women.

    FoxConfessor or TeaTree, does any of that resonate with your experience?
     
  14. Cubster1980

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    Some people are also not very helpful with the confusion either. Especially if you have some gay men telling you your not really bi but actually gay. I identified as gay for 15 years to find out in the past several months I am in fact bisexual but a little more gay leaning. Saying to someone I am 100% gay would be lying. I can and do have erotic fantasies of having sex with them and I get off to it.

    ---------- Post added 31st Aug 2015 at 09:51 AM ----------

    Having sex with women.
     
  15. foxconfessor

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    Misoriented is a much better term, thank you!

    Your experience is interesting. I've come across bisexual people in heterosexual relationships who refuse to call their boyfriend/girlfriend anything other than "partner" for fear of people making assumptions that they are straight.

    I think maybe context can contribute towards this anxiety. I always feel very awkward and out of place when my straight friends talk about hooking up with people, with a huge fear that I'll be brought into the conversation. It's funny, because when they're talking about their heterosexual lifestyle, I just cannot relate at all - yet regularly fantasize about sleeping with guys. I guess it's not really the same though, since I'm not sexually attracted to guys, and have no interest in hooking up with guys I don't know. Also, in these fantasies, and when I'm hanging out with guys I've thought about hooking up with, I don't really feel like my true self - it's like I've gone through this filter where I'll become an idealized, heterosexual version of myself. Which, of course, is not how I feel around my friends.

    Hopefully the more I focus on my true self & true sexuality, and become more open about it, I'll get out of this pattern.
     
    #15 foxconfessor, Aug 31, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2015
  16. Riyuzaki

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    I was never confused about my sexuality. Since my early teens I knew I liked guys, but didn't want to say to myself that I'm gay. That word wasn't in my mind until I accepted that I was, in fact, gay.
     
  17. BlueKitty

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    I am also somewhat asexual. Mostly, I think. Anyway, when you don't have fireworks going off left and right... it's flipping hard to know if there is any pattern when they do. And frankly, the only thing more confusing than general sexuality is trying to wade through fifty shades of gender, orientation, romanticism, and so on...

    I mean call me crazy but just getting the terms straight (no pun intended) is holy hell. I wonder why they don't pull a facebook gag and add a classification called "It's complicated" because I really don't get people who are sure. :eusa_doh: Does it never change? And if it doesn't change well then there is definitely something wrong with me. :eek: Over the last 30 some odd years (you know after I realized there was more to birds and bees than winged creatures) I feel like my interests, attractions, orientations all shift around like jello rather than remaining impenetrably solid stainless steel. :dry:

    Meanwhile, it's the middle of the night, and I'm surfing the internet for thunder bolted burning bush answers and finding a bunch of other confuzzled people. Guess I shouldn't be surprised.
     
  18. TeaTree

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    I know it's only my age-related paranoia, but I usually dont react when "older women" are called out. I really don't feel having that age, but wanted to be honest about it here, since this is an honest forum :icon_bigg

    Anyway, it makes a lot of sense what you've written above, about many women entering their sexual peak around 30. I was actually 30 when a very strong realisation hit, about me being gay, but was fighting it like crazy.

    During my 20s I've been pretty numb sexually, only ever been with men, not too much satisfaction though, but kept trying. Wasn't really consciously aware about being gay back then, though there were countless hints. Then depression kicked in and I felt exhausted with all this men-hunt, constantly unhappy and I felt it's never going to work. Not that I knew why. After depression was over I landed somewhat accidentally in the relationship I'm someway still in right now, we became best friends, but sexually and romantically I always knew something is missing.
    So that brings us to now, when I just can't deny that anymore. Even if it's confusing as hell.

    Also I'm having difficulty understanding how some people just "always knew". I mean that is really cool they do, some even from let's say when they were five. Well, when I was five I don't remember taking the time to identify what gender I was, and up until 13-14 don't remember any sexual feelings. And yes, the first sexual feelings I remember I had for women, on television and I felt basically ashamed that I felt what I felt. So after that I pretty much confused myself by not accepting my own feelings.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Sep 2015 at 12:29 AM ----------

    I can relate to this, not only about sexuality, but other interests in life, like carrier, hobbies, whatever.
    Interestingly, since I allowed myself to explore my "gay side" I realised that I have no idea what I want in life, what I like. I've always checked in with my imaginary list and I've chosen an "allowed item", rather then a " desired item". This kind of resonates with the idea of never allowing myself to accept what I want as far as sexuality goes, so it was a constant " would this choice fit the image I constructed about myself?" I guess if you are honest you don't have to keep always your desires in check, just go with it, it doesn't have to validate some imaginary self.

    Not sure if this is relevant with what you are going through, BlueKitty, but what you've written resonated with me in this way. :slight_smile:
     
  19. angeluscrzy

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    I have chronic depersonalization and strongly believe it all stems from having repressed so much when I was a child. There is such a feeling of disconnect from anything that resembles a sense of self. Its hard to look back on my past and don't recognize it as MY past.
    Anyhow, I completely agree with what foxconfessor said about true attractions cutting thru the discordance. (Beautifully worded..btw). When I was 16 I fell madly for my straight male friend and I just remember how intensely I felt for him. It was so much that I finally had to tell him or burst. It didn't go any further than that, but I just still look back at that as something that just felt soooo natural and I didn't even think of if it was "right" or "wrong", I just knew I loved him.
     
  20. QBear

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    Sorry about calling on you by name as an older person. Maybe I shouldn't have worded it like that. But I do appreciate you sharing experience, and I hope its illuminating for other women here. I know its illuminating for me to better understand gay female experience, and how it can differ from queer male experience.

    Good luck to you in coming out and taking the next steps in your life. :slight_smile: