I have found myself thinking about this a great deal in the last few months since I came out. I was in a heterosexual relationship for 15 years. I learned early on how, relatively, easy it is to please another person sexually. The problem here is how little, if any, satisfaction I was getting. This is something I have really struggled to come to terms with because, truly, I knew how much work and effort I put in, and believed that there was something I was giving her and so, there was meaning in it for me. I have learned since beginning to experience physical relationships with men and had an expectation that I would be wholly participating, "all in" as it were. I have read many stories about sexual and romantic love on these boards and so have come to find that, indeed, this is not as clearly defined as it would seem to be and I was relieved to find others with stories about their struggles. I will be the first to admit that I take myself too seriously, and often feel that I have had "enough time" to come to terms with something. I wonder if this is something that even needs resolution but is a part of myself that I am meant to explore for some time.
I'm not sure that I'm following. Are you lamenting that it's far harder to find romance in the gay world than in the straight world?
Rereading my post I can see that you would not have come away with the impression. <frown>. No, there is romance to be found. What I have become aware of in myself is that I did indeed "use" sex. I didn't get anything for it like favors, but I used it to help maintain what I came to think of as my normal. As I said, I learned what worked for my wife, but because I wasn't receiving anything on an intimate level from the experience, I started to not care too much if I did nothing at all. I have discovered that I am carrying this into the next phase of my life. What I am finding though is that I am not as upset with myself as I thought I would be with regard to wanting something different, something more of a kind of language to be used within the progress of a relationship. I was very much afraid of being seen as someone going through his "ho phase" or being condemned for trying to find out what it is I want and need. I learned from some very wise and caring friends that there are many out there who do not view sexual congress as something sacred and profound and it is very easy to be condemned for that; see "slut shaming." I was cautioned against "using" people and availing myself of multiple partners. There is a world of hurt to be gained, along with the pleasure. Like many things in life, it is not hard to keep that advice in mind, it is also very easy to ignore it. This is a major and profound step for me in my attitude, and as I said, I look forward to explore its meaning for me.
I'm finding it difficult to relate to your experience because marital sex was never that empty for me. I'm sorry you had to go through that. When I was married, I enjoyed pleasing my wife and enjoyed my orgasm as well. So there was some quid pro quo for me. In hindsight, marital sex didn't have the pop that sex with guys has. Marital sex also kept my gay side in check. When sexual frequency decreased, I began to start questioning my sexuality. So from that perspective I suppose I used sex as a tool to keep myself in the closet. I have little interest in random hookups and going through the "ho phase" so we have that in common
Or is this more about vulnerability and emotional aspects? It's far more natural to let my guard down with men than it was with my wife, so there is more sharing and disclosure beyond the physical aspects of sex.
This is something I am now identifying in my own relationships. But could never quite pinpoint the feeling or put it into words as you have. I learned how to please a person, and then projected that as pleasing myself. I am very new to EC and not sure who or what I am, but I do know that I'm very self-conscious in the bedroom when someone is putting all their energies on me. I have no problem taking the lead, but if the situation dictates to me to just chill out and be worshiped, I am very uncomfortable with that. Maybe that is ok, and I'm just a "top" or "butch" (or whatever appropriate words there are, sorry if i used an inappropriate one). Maybe that's just who I am, but it's a random observation I made about myself just now.
rachael1954: True enough. I wanted it to be meaningful for her, probably so I wouldn't have to worry about it not being so, and have to start figuring out why? That was it, as the years wore on, she became aware of who I was, or who I was trying to not be and the minimum that I was barely committed to was not enough. SiennaFire: Very much that I am able to communicate much more fully with men. I always thought I was good at communicating with every type of person; but not my wife. Seriously, it had to be something as obvious as "the house is ablaze" for us to truly not misinterpret each other. The level of anxiety I felt, even with communicating with her, has gone down markedly. I felt it with a guy that I had started something with, and wasn't working out; but he felt it too and we both were able to acknowledge it. Hard though because guys like him don't come along every day. Wonder when I'll start thinking that about myself?
