Bisexual Men: romantic vs sexual attraction

I sort of feel like that. Like, I'm into girls romantically more, but guys sexually more. I also feel like I think 90% of guys are attractive but when I find a girl attractive it's more intense. Like, most of the time I wouldn't want to hook up w a girl unless we're close.

 

I'm 100% gay and this is a huge issue with me. I have sex with men, but I love relationships with women. I've gotten married to women twice, but it doesn't work out.

I can have sex with women. I need to get drunk, take a Viagra and fantasize about having a man doing anal on me.

I met a women now that I'm attracted to emotionally, but not at all sexually. The feelings are so strong and the relationship so important to me that I would marry her.

I never tell them I'm gay. I don't believe in telling everything. Maybe they're a lesbian or don't like sex. It could work out.

 

Thanks for sharing. It sounds very difficult to have strongly opposed romantic and sexual attractions. So I feel for you.

Have you ever tried to develop a strong romantic/emotional relationship with a man?
I know it can be difficult, and take some time to get used to, especially because of machismo and because society does not give us many good examples of tenderness between men. But romantic connections are possible between two men if they are a good match. You may find that ultimately, a romantic and sexual relationship with a man is more satisfying than failed marriages to women.

If you keep pursuing women, I REALLY STRONGLY encourage you to be honest with women you have relationships with about your homosexuality. It is very unfair to these women, and you are hurting them very deeply when they discover you only like men sexually. It is not fair to use these women emotionally and/or to create the image that you are straight. They deserve the truth and they deserve to have satisfying sex lives with people that are actually attracted to them.

But if what you really want is a romantic, but sexless marriage to a woman with sex with men on the side, there are ways of doing that ethically. But you must be honest about who you are and what you want up front and seek someone who wants the same thing, and with the understanding that she should be allowed the same freedom to have sex outside the marriage.

 

Thanks for this topic and the posts so far. There is sort of an undercurrent here and in general that if you are aroused by your same gender and have or have had an emotional interest and even a sexual interest in the opposite gender, that it's better to turn that off and try giving the relationship arena with your own gender a try. I don't think that it transfers over so easily and another thing I don't fully agree with is that this is based on shame. I post on the "Saw a Hot Guy" thread many times and when I have seen some action with someone who is my type or close to my type, it's no big deal after the fact. Talking to them confirms that even more because there are lots of weird head trips that people are on and it's better to just say thank you, nice meeting you, and move on. As for the sex itself, it's mix and match - you like some sex acts with one gender and some with the other. Being male, the one thing I've heard bisexual men complain about is that women are too passive in the sack and aren't interested in pleasing them. I will say that I have seen some of that and it would not make for a good relationship, overall, even though you got along in other ways. This is exactly what can make bisexuality confusing for a fair number of people and why the recommendation that maybe you should try something else may not work. It's not about that and it's not something you just sort of fix. That's why it's considered a continuum.

 

Thanks for starting this thread, lastking. I'm always interested in the experience of other bisexual guys.

I'm probably more the opposite of you - a hetero leaning bisexual, Kinsey scale 2.0-2.5.
There is recent research by Lisa Diamond that hetero leaning bisexual men might be slightly more common in the population at large than gay leaning bisexual men (Kinsey 4s), but I think we're also fairly invisible because many guys like me choose to marry women and/or are not out and open about their bisexuality.

I'm sexually attracted enough to women that I can sleep with them with only a moderate degree of emotional connection. But with guys, I seem to need a higher degree of emotional connection to have a satisfying sexual connection. So it takes a special guy to really get me going. There have only been a couple of guys like that in my life, and we didn't have a chance to develop full blown relationships, so I must admit my experience has been limited. But the experiences I have had were very intense.

I also have some quirks in the gender expressions I'm attracted to. I'm typically most attracted to tomboy or masculine or butch women, and I'm not nearly as attracted to very feminine women - although there have been exceptions. And I greatly prefer women who are queer or bisexual. I also have a strong sexual and emotional attraction to certain types of trans men. The cisgender men I'm attracted to typically have masculine features (e.g. Hairy, somewhat muscular) but softer, perhaps somewhat feminine personalities. So it seems my attractions tend cluster around the middle of the gender spectrum. I tend to fantasize about all three types of folks I'm into, sometimes in interesting combinations. Lol

I suppose you could classify me as pansexual, but that lane just seems not to feel correct.

Anyhow, just wanted to share my experience, because it differs from the quote you found, and thus illustrates the diversity of bisexual male experience.

 

I would say I would be about 60/40 or 55/45. I run about a Kinsey 3.3 to Kinsey 3.7. The other day I was in my car thinking about having sex with a hot woman and I got extremely aroused and thought I was going to get off. I am somewhat more gay leaning and that is because usually I have an automatic sexual response from seeing a hot guy shirtless or naked. Women have been running much more in my sexual fantasies and there have been times I have gotten really turned on by it.

 

I thought somebody would say I should tell her. I'm not hiding that I'm gay. I don't tell everybody. Women don't tell everything. If she had sex with another guy yesterday do you think she's going to tell me? Of course not.

The reality of sex is people are having sex all the time with different people and don't talk about it. There may be a few exceptions, but I think most people are having sex with multiple partners.

 

I agree with you on this point. Despite my rather strident tone in response to Vamonos, I generally think that just because you have some same sex feeling, it doesn't mean you should pursue only same sex relationships. I responded to Vamonos the way I did only because he says he is 100% gay, with no sexual attraction to women, yet is pursuing relationships with them without telling them about his sexuality. If he said he was a 4 on the Kinsey scale, but enjoyed sex with the woman he was dating, was honest with her about his sexuality, she was cool with it, and they wanted to marry, I'd say "Awesome! Go for it!"

I totally resonate with this. I like a sexually assertive and dominant partners and love being penetrated, and for years I was unsatisfied with standard straight sex and worried that perhaps I gay because of what I desired. But you know what? It turns out that I'm really into sexually dominant women who like to peg me. That's not gay - its a hetero preference that runs counter to standard heteronormativity. And I guess its one of many reasons I'm typically most comfortable with queer women - they tend to be less bound to a straight script.

That said, I'm still really attracted to some guys, too, and I am often more passive/submissive with them, too. But that submissive stance is independent of my orientation or the sex of the partner I'm with, per se.

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2015 at 11:32 PM ----------

If you are single and dating non seriously, then, sure, people are having sex with multiple partners. But you are talking about a serious relationship with a woman, and possibly marriage. In that case, there is a presumption of monogamy, or at least honesty and communication about sex.

And in the case of marriage, I believe you DO owe the bride-to-be the truth. If you don't tell her, you are lying by omission, and she can't making an informed decision about whether or not to marry you. That's just a mean thing to do to someone you care about.

There is also the issue of sexually transmitted diseases. There is a certain stereotype of bisexual men as selfish promiscuous jerks who spread disease to their unsuspecting wives. It's largely an untrue stereotype, but if you get married and don't tell your wife what's going on, you may end up living up to that stereotype.