I finally accepted that I was bisexual last year. But, I think it was a long time coming. I remember having crushes on girls in high school where I would think they were really attractive and I wanted to become better friends with them and would get nervous around them. But somehow I just told myself that it was fine to have these feelings but never addressed what they really meant about my sexuality. This continued in college, and it even went so far as me having a really intense crush on this girl where I thought about us being together and even having sex. But I always operated under the idea that I was "bicurious" or simply open to trying something new out. But, I never had any experience with women (and still haven't sadly). But, these feelings all began to change last year when I met this one woman. She's a few years older than me and was in charge of the lab I worked in at school and became really good friends. Then one day I hugged her and I got super turned on and I couldn't stop thinking about her for an entire weekend and we texted all the time and I wanted to talk to her constantly. A few days later I accepted that I had a crush on her. I also began to wonder about her sexuality because I was getting a possible lesbian vibe from her. Eventually, I did find out that she was a lesbian and I was ecstatic. Not because I wanted to date her neccesarily but because it was OK that I liked her. Like, if I told her, she wouldn't be disgusted with me. If she didn't like me back it didn't have anything to do with the fact that liking women was wrong. This was an amazing realization for me. In the end, I realized that I don't think I liked her as much as I thought I did. Not because anything was wrong with her, just that we didn't click like I initially thought we did. However, I still myself attracted to men. Particularly sexually. I find men's bodies and genetalia very attractive and I have had pleasant experiences sleeping with men. But, I sometimes wonder how I feel romantically about men. Sometimes when I am attracted to men, especially romantically, I feel like I am more attracted to them being attracted to me than I am actually being attracted to them. Does that sentence even make sense? But when I compare this to the way I have had crushes on women, it's completely different. Even though I have not yet been in a relationship with a woman, the 3 big crushes I have had have been so intense and so different from the way I have felt about men. As an example, I'll use the two most recent. The first one was a very short crush that started at an anime convention (yeah, con crushes are a thing and they are ridicules). I only met her briefly, but we were dressed up as people from the same show and we chatted a lot and she kept saying hi to me when she saw me and i eventually added her FB, but I think she has a boyfriend T_T. But I couldn't stop thinking about her for days after the con. I kept having these dreams about meeting her again or going out with her. It was BAD. But, anyway, the person I have a crush on now, well....it's actually the girl I had the really intense crush on a few years ago, but due to some twist of fate, I have had a better chance of interacting with her because she ended up being one of my roommates. Yeah, awkward..... BUt, the feelings came back and they came back rather intensely. I really enjoy when I get a chance to talk to her and the other day I brought her back a drink from work she had requested and she made the this super adorable look of super gratefullness and I instantly melted inside. I have NEVER NEVER NEVER felt anything like that for any man. Never. She also snuck into my dreams like the con girl and these dreams I have had about these women I like have the most amazing happy feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. While I have zero intention of making any moves on this girl because we live together and I am very uncertain as to her sexuality , I do feel super guilty that I have these feelings. mostly because of the roommate status thing...but the important part is that it really has made me question my sexuality. I decided I was bi because I sexually like men. But I really do wonder if I'm not romantically into them. Another thing that got me thinking is my most recent ex-boyfriend. He is one of the greatest guys I have ever known. So sweet, caring, he makes me laugh, he laughs at my jokes, we're great friends, and the sex was great when we dated. I broke up with him becaue of a long distance issue, but since then we have been on and off again sometimes, and I slept with him a few weeks ago. But, I didn't like it very much. I noticed that during the sexual encounter, I had the weird I'm more attracted to him being attracted to me than I am actually to him thing. And I was also very aware that he was a man (he is a rather tall, man-looking fellow to be fair) and it really turned me off. (I'm not saying that means I don't like men....I just am not super attracted to overly masculine men...which he actually isn't overly manly either...sorry this is all confusing I know, just imagine dealing with it all inside my head right now ). But sometimes I wonder, if I'm not attracted to this great guy who I get along with so well, then, does that mean I am not attracted to men? That's probably crazy, but it's a thought I have. I'm not sure if I am seeking any particular advice. Maybe I am asking if you guys think I am bi or actually a lesbian. (though on some level, to me, the label doesn't matter). But I think i really just needed to get this all out and maybe get some thoughts on some of the things I said/questions I brought up in this long long post. I'm also trying hard to get all of my thoughts in order. So thanks for reading, and let me know what you think.
I had a strikingly similar experience about month ago. The first guy I had come out to in real life, he came out to me the same day (I already kind of 'knew' so it wasn't too difficult for either of us) and I even expressed my attraction for him, but of course him being a fair bit younger he wasn't interested in anything other than friendship, however in the end I'm glad nothing happened because we really don't a lot in common, other than both being male, bisexual and getting along ok / chatting etc (at the course we are both doing). Still friends though which is good. I can relate to this one too, although it might be that I've had girlfriends, none have lasted too long or been too deep really, and one or two hurt me a fair bit...maybe I'm resisting women because of that? But yeah I am still really sexually attracted to women, but I'm not sure I want to actually have a relationship with a woman. The most recent romantic entanglement I had, she ended up messing with my emotions (in the cruel manner in which she dumped me for the other guy) that it's sort of put me off relationships. No need to be in a hurry to 'label' yourself. In fact I find labels a bit irritating, I mean are we not all simply human beings, sexual beings, isn't that enough? Why do we have to also say, "I am such-and-such" etc? In any case, I don't think it would be fitting for anyone here to tell you which orientation you happen to be, bisexual or lesbian. Only you can discover that and know it for sure.
I can definitely relate to the bolded statements. In fact, that's where pretty much all my sexual interest in men resides, and I've seen other posters on here talk about this same experience, and how it made them realise they are actually gay/lesbian. Even weirder for me, I tend to get off on the thought of them being interested in this idealized heterosexual version of myself. The tricks the mind can play to avoid confronting the truth... However, there are studies which have been conducted which refer to a phenomenon called 'object of desire self-consciousness' - basically, the thing you have described. I haven't looked into it much, but apparently it occurs most commonly in heterosexual women and gay men... whether this is an innate trait or ingrained by perceptions created by the media... who knows. But is it apparently common. You also mention you find male bodies attractive, which suggests some capacity for bisexuality. This ex boyfriend.... well, I went through a similar thing with a guy... he's absolutely perfect for me, yet I didn't/don't instinctively feel those overwhelming butterflies & sexual attraction around him, which was what made me face up to my true sexuality. Yet, I will say, there are women I've seen & met who I've found objectively very attractive, and felt I should be attracted towards, but wasn't. Sometimes it's there, sometimes it isn't. But I too noticed a difference in my attraction towards men and women, which I thought to be an example of polysexuality - but was in fact simply the difference between an ingrained notion of attraction vs the real thing. Therefore... I don't think from this post it's easy to conclude as to whether you are bi or lesbian. Perhaps it might be worth analyzing your attractions a bit more, and asking yourself who you can see yourself ending up with in the future - a man or woman?
I cannot believe the amount of stuff I am learning on this site. Holy shit. I also cannot believe the amount if people that are sooooo similar to me and how I feel.
Wow! That's fascinating... Can you pass along citations of any of the studies or the researchers who work in this area? I wonder if "wanting to be wanted" is also a featured of innate, healthy sexuality as well as feature of a manufactured "straight" mask? Interesting.
FIrst of all, thank you guys for responding, it's really comforting to see people who feel similarly to me I also thought this was interesting, so I did some internet research and found this article. This one makes a comment about how the phenomenon is seen more in women possibly due to the constant objectification we get from society every day, which I thought was interesting. New Theory Reveals Secret to Turning Women On – Desire! | Brain Blogger
Thanks for the article. I haven't read it yet, but I will. And how are you doing with figuring out your sexuality? I must say, after rereading your initial post, it really seems like you might be homoromantic. Then, again, if you haven't yet had a serious relationship with a woman, it might be difficult to know for sure. Good luck, and keep us posted.
