Ever since I was nine years old, I was aware at the back of my mind that I was sexually attracted to women. Around the ages of 9 and 11 I dressed boyishly and would feel tingly at the thought/sound of a female orgasm and just the general thought of a naked woman. I didn't have any crushes on anybody I don't think, but I was obsessed with being exactly like my friend (a girl) who I found to be perfect. I joined band, pretended to love band, became interested in evolution/atheism, tried to grow bigger boobs (she's always been busty), etcetera... I was 12 when all of the sudden I wanted to be "pretty" and liked, so I dressed more femininely and felt largely ashamed of my old ways of dressing/presenting myself. I still kinda followed the lead of my friend, but slowly started to become more of my own individual. As confirmation rolled around, I became interested in church. My family goes to a Lutheran Church, which is one of the more conservative denominations of Christianity and is pretty homophobic. I became so invested in Christianity that I thought being gay was a sin. I would see sexual depictions of women in movies and stuff and feel very aroused, and felt ashamed of myself for it. I fantasized about marrying a man and making my parents feel proud of me despite my own lack of sexual attraction to men. There were like two guys who I liked in middle school, but I only liked them because they liked me - which made me feel worth something, as sad as it sounds. Again, no sexual attraction to the male gender here. People started questioning my sexuality when I was 13 (in eighth grade) saying I was a lesbian because I had this short haircut. During this time I felt highly insecure about my sexuality. There was lots of bullying and I felt insecure about my appearance as well. Inappropriate as hell but in my English class of my eighth grade year we read Anne Frank and I developed this mild fixation for her, like a crush I guess... Which is just as weird and fucked up as it sounds, honestly. Omfg don't judge me. I would force myself to feel attracted to specific types of guys. Then freshman year of high school came around. I created this character on an online role-playing forum that I made to be like me and I described her sexuality as: "she says she's bisexual but she's secretly a lesbian". There was this one teacher who I forced myself to feel attracted to since he fit one of the very specific types that I forced myself to feel attracted to, had this mild obsession with him which was mostly fueled by my cousin's obsession w/ him/attraction to him. There was this one boy in the class I had with that teacher that I thought was gay. I fantasized about coming out as gay together with him and the both of us being friends, and it was at this point in my life that I had shed my Christian homophobe identity. I honestly thought he was really unattractive. But then one day I heard him say he thought I was really hot to his friend, and all of the sudden I liked him back. So then I developed this obsession with him and forced myself into feeling attracted to him. I was so obsessed with him. Then I fantasized about marrying him, having kids with him, all to make my mom and dad feel proud of me. Around this time there was one time where my friend came over and we were sitting on a bed with my twin sister. She leaned directly over me to grab something by me and I acted kind of awkward and said "(insert friend's name here), what are you doing?" and I laughed awkwardly bc I was mildly turned on and she laughed and apologized. Two years later, junior year, and just now I feel like I'm coming to understand my true intentions behind "liking" these guys. I don't think I ever had a crush on a girl, though, although I had that Anne Frank thing and then also after my one friend I mentioned earlier left a sleepover I smelled the pillow she slept on and smiled. Over the summer that lead into this year, my twin sister (who is a homoromantic bisexual) encouraged me to explore my sexuality through looking at porn. And so I did. And I went straight for the lesbian stuff. Initially I was like really grossed out by it and I felt dirty from viewing it (it's that "Christian" upbringing, y'all), but then as I looked more into it I felt intensely aroused - I had reached a level of sexual arousal that I really don't think I had reached before in my life. At one point I had involuntarily moaned out of sexual desire, which was a first for me. I also have this teacher this year who's a lesbian (40's, unmarried, gravelly voice, long slicked-back hair, athletic, dry sense of humor, wears a lot of flannels buttoned all the way up) who I am kind of attracted to. So yeah. Congrats if you read all of that. Basically I'm not sure what I really am since I pretty sure I am exclusively sexually attracted to women, but have never had a crush on one (Anne Frank is dead so I'm not counting her). Are my crushes on guys in-genuine? Honestly they felt forced, but idk I guess I need someone to read through what I wrote and evaluate. Whenever my friends bring up "hot guys" I just zone out since I don't really get it at all and think about hot, hot lesbian sex. I really envy people who figured out their sexuality at a really young age, they have so much experience that I don't have, and they have like genuine crushes on people. And I just want my parents to feel proud of me.
You might be a bi-romantic lesbian. Since you lack any sexual attraction towards men, and seem to get sexually frustrated looking at lesbian porn, basically all signs point to lesbian. However, from what you said you probably have a romantic attraction to men and women. This does not mean you would have sex with a man (unless you truly want to!), it only means you would date a personality you like that has the body and mind of a male. Now, let's talk male crushes. From what I understand, you believe that you only had crushes on boys because they had crushes on you. Think about the scenarios in which you think you had a crush. Can you imagine yourself dating this person? Does the thought of them "make your heart flutter" as the cliche goes? Or did you just like them out of pity? Thinking about these questions will probably somewhat help you determine your romantic orientation. Please take note that if someone likes you, it is very possible for you to start liking them too, not even for the sake of pity. It is a natural response so your crushes could have been genuine. I hope this helps, even if slightly. Remember, if you feel confused about your orientation, do research. There is so much information and hundreds of support groups for LGBTQ people on the internet. Just remember to double check and make sure the information is trustworthy! A major part of your sexuality is what you think you are. I know I'm not the best at giving advice, but if this helps in any way, I'm glad!
