It seems the more certain I feel about my sexuality (a certainty that in truth has always been there - only now with a greater awareness) the more depressed I feel. I've tried so much to feel good about being gay (watching gay v-loggers, keeping up with gay celebrity couples etc) but I just keep coming back to the same feeling I had the moment I first realized what I was, and what I kept suppressing because the feeling was so unbearable. I feel like I've lost a comfort blanket, which was the idea of having some potential of being not 100% gay. I lived life in a way that was uniquely mine - my identity shifting, compartmentalizing my feelings, living as much in my imagination as in reality. Yet now I feel like I've truly entered real life, complete with all the homogeneous feelings of the human experience (not helped by my first day at a 9-6 office job), I can't stand it. Even though I always knew the way I lived life before was not sustainable, the thought of losing it is so painful. Has anyone else had any experience of this, and can recommend advice on how to make this transition a little easier? I'm worried that only the experience of falling in love with someone will be enough to readdress the balance, and I don't think I can wait it out til then. :icon_sad:
That's deep. I can relate totally. I denied my sexuality for years. I didn't want to be gay. I have depression. I saw doctors. They told me to stop drinking. I need to follow their advice. I'm going to try. I'm one of those people who can't drink. I think it's something you have to accept. You accept a lot of other things in life such as your age and income level. Just accept that you're gay and move on.
In the literature on coming out, they talk about a grief stage. Perhaps your depression is in fact a sign of entering a grieving process for your old - but inauthentic - life? If this is the case, the important thing to remember is that, like all grieving, it is temporary, and will pass so long as you stick with it and feel your feelings. It is a process you need to go through, and it is hard, but there is light on the other side. Perhaps try digging around the "Coming out" section for more and better advice....
I feel you. Really, I do. Depression is a slippery slope that's hard to climb for everyone who has it, and I've been there as well, feeling that I can't get out for one reason or another. What works for me is remembering all the things that keep me going in life. The support from my friends and family, the books I'm writing, my doll, all these things help keep me happy, at least until I slip into my depression again. See, it's not a 100% cure for my depression, as there is no cure for it. We can only hold onto happiness for so long. We must accept as depression sufferers that it's always going to be a part of who we are. Just remind yourself of the things that keep you moving as often as you can, and you'll start seeing that you'll be happier more often than not because of it.
Thanks for your replies. I know I have been going through the grief stage for a long time - in fact, I've felt these feelings pretty much all my life. Grieving for a life I see all around me, but know I can't have. I go on the Coming Out section a bit but it makes me fearful and sad seeing the ages it took some people to come out. What's frustrating is I can imagine a future where I've fully engage in living life as a gay person, and feeling happy - but the fact of that vision, the feeling that it's the only way... well that makes me sad too. I don't know. I'm still so far away, I guess. @BrokenRecord - One of my issues is that depression isn't just a thing I have - I don't have clinical depression and can't imagine what it's like for people that do. It's wholly related to my situation, and I feel guilty, stupid and embarrassed for having it.
Sorry, just realised I got mixed up between the 'coming out' and 'Lgbt later' section. But I do read both! Just an update: my feelings have gotten so bad that I feel disconnected from my home life. I feel like a stranger in my own home - my family don't know me, but I'd hate it if they did know the real me. I feel increasingly distant from my twin sister and resentful - her being heterosexual, in a relationship, very confident, self-assured etc. I also feel the magnitude of entering a new life, where I am aware of my feelings and will be entering into a constant swing of anxiety/sickness upon realising them & feeling compelled to act on them, and then regret and shame when I inevitably chicken out. But I am still clinging to those automated feelings towards guys. The feeling of dissociation I've always gone through, where under their gaze I feel like a swoony straight girl. I still have a tendency to go through that especially when they show me attention, and I'll still get some sexual gratification but it doesn't belong to me. It's somewhere between acting and real life, and it's so frustrating that I kind of know what it's like without *really* knowing. I've also felt extremely sexuality aggressive/masculine in my desires towards women - which is what happens when I allow myself to indulge in that part of me. That's the part of me I hate most. Yet I've been experiencing some relief from the memories I had over a friend of mine a few years back - which at the time I recognised and was fine with, not just because I saw it as evidence of fluidity rather than homosexuality, but also because of the nature of the crush, which was the puppy-dog, affectionate, in awe, just past-platonic crush. The feelings weren't primarily sexual or overwhelming, it felt like I was engaging in both how a normal, affectionate friendship between women should feel and also a little bit of something more. This I am more comfortable with. She also made me feel sort of childlike in my adoration for her, which of course can (and did) lead to some putting-down and manipulation, which I've gone through all my life with friends because of how I am. But I'd still be more comfortable engaging in this side of me & this type of a relationship than a pre-dominantly sexual one. This feels like genuine, lasting evidence of multi-faceted identity, which I used in the past to explain the shift in my identity when around men. What makes me sad is the thought I'll probably never have a normal friendship with a man, as I don't know how to interact in a normal way, in a way where I feel myself. I also hate how instinctively masculine I become around girls (apart from the rare puppy dog crushes). It's like I'm always trying to seek out a balance, which has left me feeling horribly unstable (for anyone has read Virginia Woolf's 'The Waves' - I found one of the central characters describes this perfectly!) Sorry I've gone off on another identity-centered spiel... But I just feel this is the only place where I can express my thought processes fully and without reservation ...
