Hi I'm 27 year old man, virgin but I have my reasons. Please hear my story. Now I would like to share some of my past life experience. I had one same gender experience before puberty very early in life, it was experimental, me and my friend exchange giving head to each other because we were being curious on how it would have feet like (while finding a woman's calendar), we had no female friends to do it then. After that we would play house, I would be the wife and he would be the father, basically we would have picnic and this act would not have anything sexual in it, but I do remember enjoying playing a role probably much more than receiving or giving head, we didn't do anything else. I know we would stop and move on, none of us had the crave to do it again, It didn't charge my look onto man and woman, I still masturbated to woman. But I never experience sexual daily fantasy outside my dream in which I always had heterosexual experience of having an intercourse with a woman, I would love these kind of dreams Would wish people wouldn't wake me up half of time also :bang: After that experience I had, I would remember going back home confused. I was so young. Back then I was masturbating to naked females on pictures and I soon realized that the more pictures I put together the faster the finish. My mind was never focused on man, no matter what man it was or what kinda body it had. Even after experimenting that, I never had any sexual attraction towards any men, but I did have romantic attraction towards woman, (romantic crush) its just that I never had sexual attraction towards them too. I can believe going past my childhood until age 26 with no sexual fantasy of anybody I knew. Sounded rather Asexual if I was to go back and check on it. Porn was also just there, prefer Hentai, because porn was an act, I couldn't' connect and I felt women have been treated as nothing. No chemistry outside the act being their job. But here is where it all changed. I was in my school with friends, and I had my first gay thought or my friend giving oral to my other friend. Now I know fantasy is fantasy and this is all normal, but I felt my emotional brain took over that moment and give it too much meaning, because I started to obsess if I was gay to think that way. I wouldn't mind If I was to be bisexual, I'm cool with that, but I can't see myself homosexual because even if I could manage to sleep with a man, I don't see myself establishing any emotional or romantically connection with one, no sensual attraction. It would feel platonic, as I always looked at them as friends, but my obsession would give me wondering otherwise. Like I want to exp again, like bi-curious, but I don't want to act on it because what then. Let me explain: Now I know not this whole HOCD thing again. I know many people don't believe in it, and you're right, why believe in something that hasn't been proven. But I had my other obsessions before, like obsession with my heart beat so much it felt like I will have a heart attack, the only time I had trouble sleeping (constant obsession for 2 weeks), before that I had constant obsession with inner-asking myself am I walking right and straight when in public places, this would hunt me for 2 years. But I manage to get over that but that is the time I got my first homosexual thought and so I got another obsession I didn't want in my life. Its circling in my head, the more I fight the worse it gets. But I've noticed something: It was all intrusive, It never effected by body responds, I could never get an erection thinking of anything homosexual related, but this would also go for anything heterosexual related also. But this obsession seems to be based on low self-esteem and nothing more really. Why would I start to notice guys at age 26 when before they were all oblivious to my eyes? Up till that point I only noticed women from physical standpoint. But with mind playing what I feel is tricks on me, I would ask. Why did I notice that guy? Because he is tall, handsome. Or Is it because I'm attracted to him? My mind would also analyze all my past, but outside of that experiment in my per-puberty years, I never was noticed or called homosexual by anybody, but I sure was shy around females, I had a hard time at home, drunk father so my confidence got ruined by that brute. I can see aesthetic beauty in body genders, but I can't seem to connect emotionally with one as much as the other, if at all. What I realized is that I would have minimum doubt when my confidence was at high level. I would noticed that I was comparing my body to them, In a way it was admiration or down right envy of what they have. But then my mind would made me believe that's not it. Well if that's not it, then why is that the first question that strikes my mind? And why am I full of anxiety when around them? I would look back and never have desire to masturbate looking at man's equipment alone without woman genitalia around to cover it, i would want to masturbate to man's chest, anything. When i was 15 I started to watch Porn, it was strip, heterosexual porn and some webcam girl, lesbian porn would be boring to me and I never had any desire watching homosexual porn. Till I try test myself this same year, but I seem to have hard time maintaining an erection let along an orgasm, it felt like I can't orgasm while watching it. I felt I was being truthful to myself, I didn't mind block it, while i wanted to test to what I would come the fastest as a test, I didn't really enjoy watching it either. Just not my thing to watch, too much hardness. It took little to no time watching hetero porn. I don't even like watching anything anal related, but that doesn't say much. I know porn doesn't indicate your orientation, but I still obsess over this so much, over what am I? Am I homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual that needs to work on romance before doing anything sexual. Now I do have a girlfriend, long distance, 2000km long, but she means the world to me. She is also my very first girlfriend. It took us near two years of constant Skype chatting for us to plan a visit, and so we did, well I did, I took my first plane, first time outside my country to see her and her parents, but most of all spend my time with her. That week felt magical to me. I never felt so happy in my life and even then when going to her by plane, my mind was still in doubts asking (what i don't like her? What if she doesn't like me?) but those doubts faded away soon. She would wait at the airport btw she is ALSO a virgin like I am, I also was never kissed so lets just say that we kissed, and kissed, and kissed, and french kissed :lol: yeah i wasn't ready for that one yet (it self-reflection, lets just say that i didn't felt comfortable with my mouth insides back then), I felt we were rushing it by that one, but it was okay, we still have to learn how to properly kiss tho :eusa_danc You see before we meet she was the first one to made me fantasy before bad and in the morning and anything that had us in it would trigger my body, nothing else could ever do that. Absolute nothing but us, that goes for absolutely anything. but then something would happen,that would make my eyes little water out of share joy. I would run with her to the nearest bus stop and while there with her, I would hold her hand and kiss it while I would get my member to respond downstairs with an (erection). Now realize I never experience this in my life, yes, I know its strange to hear, but I could never get an auto-erection to any picture or porn or person on the streets, outside maybe over the top hentai scene. But the fantasy of us and this did it. All my porn sessions required manual stimulation help to get it going and I'm 27 years old with not the best testosterone results also, kinda low but still in the level of normal. That day just going to the park with her holding her hand, it happened again, I didn't feel ashamed because I was with her, so I actually even let her know, but it wouldn't be hard to notice because I walked like a clown until I let myself control it, but I didn't mind it was all her and me and I couldn't feel happier. And NO, I wasn't desperate for sex, I'm actually a person with a low sex drive, and my mind was crystal clear on that week with her, i was all time focused. I had no doubt what I was and what I wanted, because my confidence was all time high, I felt powerful, feeling affection, holding her hands kissing her, being in the part having her head on my shoulder or on my lap, I felt like the richest person alive, for once in my life I felt truly happy. It felt that the world gain colors again and didn't felt so grim like before. I seriously felt like there is no limit to me while being with her. She made me feel like nobody ever did. What made this so much more is how soon we connected, it took us a minute and we started to talk, and talked, and talked while sharing each other bodies while we visit other places. Yes we were nearly 2 years online beforehand, but this felt like we knew each other our whole life somehow. She also completely open herself to me about her past life and all the struggles, and I open myself to her. She would also felt high stress in her house which I noticed, and it hurts my heart seeing her having shaky hands like that. I wanted to protect her for she truly means everything to me. Being romantic, sensual with her would also lead to sexual activity, but I would pleasure her and she would do the same but we wouldn't do the final act. We both felt its too soon, we only seen each other now, so all in duo time. We would still took shower together and scratch each others back. i would love her body, her genital areas, but my sexual desire was still not the strongest back then. And so last day we part ways for at least 2 month for when we see each other again, I'm working towards giving us a home, and maybe even move to her so we can have a life together. I really want to spend the rest of life with her. But being back home in my country 2000km away from her, it took 2 days and my old doubt came raging in. :icon_sad: my confidence was broken, and I would keep like I'm sinking. I actually mention my obsessive thinking before meeting her in real, you see me and her had opened in everything, there is nothing I couldn't told her, even my past experiment I did and I'm happy to have ho so understandable and open minded as she is. I fallen for her on the inside first, but after that her outside beauty had nobody to compare it too. But now I'm here, home, with a drunk father, feeling those doubts again, wanting to accept myself for being at least Bisexual but having hard time accepting being Homosexual because I couldn't see myself building anything ever lasting with a man if I was not to have what I desire the most in my life. Romantic times and sensual bounding, kissing, cuddling etc My body was hot she told me when I was in bed with her, she felt I had a fever but I was always like that, more warm, she loves calling me her wolfie for how hairy I am around my arms and legs and downstairs which would only add up to the warm. But on the last day she felt cold, and when I got back home something turned-OFF, its like my body is turned off completely, I don't crave to watch any porn or even masturbate for that matter, its like its waiting to get turn on again. Please just share with em your experiences, were you 26 when you realized you maybe something you didn't think you were or did it happen sooner for you. Just be truthful to me. This doubt are making me demotivated to do anything, because I fear that i will lose her because of this. She herself would not even mind If I was bisexual for she is Bisexual herself. She even told me she was thinking she was a lesbian, but it was just because of how mistreated she got by other man. When with me in our intimate moment she said, I can't believe I was thinking I was a Lesbian once. I still feel I need to get out of this house that is full of stress. I have to get out and find my lost confidence, that confidence I had while with her. Thank you for reading all this.
