Were there always signs I'm gay? Or am I just confused/overthinking?

I've been looking back at my life lately, trying to reexamine situations that could've been the straight side in me suppressing my attracting to girls.....
Over the course of my life:

1. I felt this strange discomfort/intrigue toward openly-gay women. Even if they're just strangers walking down the street, they stick out like a sore thumb to me, and I have this weird mix of feelings like I'm ashamed for some reason yet really really intrigued by them...and I want, but don't want, their approval that they find me attractive.

2. When I was about 17, I had this long-distance friend I met at (a very religious Christian) summer camp who for a while I called my BFF. I always had a feeling she was a lesbian, and that she had feelings for me. This made me feel that strange mix of emotions I explained above...liked her attention, and yet was ashamed that I liked her attention and ashamed that she was even giving me attention in the first place....as if people would see her attraction/attention toward me as a reflection OF me....

3. When that long-distance friend "came out" and told me she "liked" me, I was FREAKED OUT, went crying to my (very religious) mother, and we basically stopped being friends pretty quickly. But, a few years ago, she friended me on FB, and I'm glad she did.

4. I was a HUGE tomboy between 8-11 yrs old. I dressed like a boy, acted like boy, had only guy friends, played softball, etc etc. I became much much more feminine as an adult, but people still know me to be the hot-girl-who-takes-shit-from-no-one. Also, I played lacrosse in high school, and it was my favorite sport by far. I used to make fun of it all the time for being kind of a 'butch' sport, but again....I refer to those mixed feelings above.

5-10000...

I'm just confused. Damn confused. Am I over thinking this?

My ex-husband just came out, and ever since I've been thinking 'well, what if I am gay too?'....but it's been really really really hard and confusing to digest. Am I only thinking about this because I'm so confused about my ex (who came across as the straightest guy on the planet)? Or is his announcement bringing up some things about myself that I've suppressed or never thought to look at in a different light?

Anyone felt this way? Or am I just a confused, heartbroken straight girl?

 

Well, like I said, I was married to a man, so it's always been about men for me. Always. Always noticed men in public, cared about what men thought of me, always pictured myself with a man, always thoroughly enjoyed sex with a man, etc.

I never really gave women a second thought in that way...I have had attraction to some, select girls. It was like these certain girls brought it out of me for some inexplicable reason. I just thought I was admiring them, and I never really questioned it beyond that.

But....when the divorce was first getting started and BEFORE my ex came out, I decided the best thing for me was to move out of state when it was all over. This was when I started to think to myself "well, maybe when I move, I'll finally have some freedom to experiment with women just to see what it's like." And I was looking forward to it.

And then....I find out my ex is gay, and I'm like "holy &$@#. If HE'S gay, of all people, and 'didn't know,' then could I be too?"

It feels like a total rewiring of my brain. The way I think.

---------- Post added 1st Sep 2015 at 04:22 PM ----------

Here's another example....

DURING my marriage, I had this INSANE attraction to my yoga instructor. Hands down the strongest attraction I've ever had to a woman as an adult. I've never once spoken to her directly and it's been 1.5 years since I've even seen her, yet to this day, I STILL think about her, especially since I've been having this "wait a minute....do I really LIKE girls??" awakening.

I don't think I've ever had this kind of longing for a man. Sure, there have been plenty of guys throughout my life I've really liked, even loved. But whenever I've "longed" for a guy from my past, it came from a place of neediness, a place of just wanting attention until the next "new thing" came around.

But with this girl, and frankly others, it's a longing that comes from a much deeper place, a place of real and true desire.

 

And one more thing.....

This is weird to some (most?) people, but I only recently started to masturbate (I'm in my late 20s)....

Why did it take so long? I guess, growing up in a super religious Christian home, it felt dirty to me. And the past few months have literally been the first time in my adult life since I've been single, so sex was always available whenever I wanted and therefore didn't feel the need to masturbate.

But here's the clincher....

I didn't start masturbating until I started questioning my sexuality.....and the only thing I masturbate to is lesbian porn.

 

thank you everyone for your insight!!

xxCHAOTIC I can TOTALLY relate to the way your mother treated you....I recall being told by my mother when I was in middle school that she and my dad would basically disown me or my sibling if we ever came out, because in her mind and the church's mind, being gay is a choice, a very sinful and bad "abomination" choice.

Also, when I dressed like a tomboy, my dad would say things, in front of me, to my mom like "we can't let her dress like this" and "are you letting her dress like this??" as if he were digusted. My mom would always hush him by saying "it's a phase. just let it pass." My mom was ultra feminine and incredibly beautiful, and while I too am pretty, I look very very different from her, so in a way I was rebelling her femininity out of self consciousness and refused to, for example, own anything with the color pink or purple haha

I eventually dressed more feminine when I got older, started a new school and wanted to fit in, believing I had overcome the tomboy "phase." This happened around the same time I had my first sexual experiences....with my best friend. She and I chalked it up to being horny because we were just starting to hit puberty and thought it was a "safe" and "sinless" way to explore our newfound sexual urges that we otherwise didn't know what to do with. I suppressed this memory for a loooong time. Literally forgot it even happened until recently.

So, QBear, I have been with a woman, and my vague memories of it are very positive, and I really want to know what it'd be like as an adult....but I just don't understand how I could've hooked up with my girl friend several times and then *poof* forget it ever happened for 15+ yrs and not even look at in a different light until now??

How can someone suppress something so much???

This is why I'm so confused...does it really mean something? Or am I overthinking?

 

I've also been looking back at my marriage lately, realizing the constant, very conscious thoughts I had of "I can't believe this is my life" (husband, house, dog, career, etc) I felt it just didn't fit me, at least at such a young age....I'm not sure if I had these thoughts because I was unhappy or just shocked my life was what it was at my age.

When my marriage ended, and before learning my ex was gay, I kept having these intense feelings that it's just never ever going to work out for me when it comes to men. I don't get them, and they definitely don't get me. I began doubting a man could ever really truly make me happy, and if they could, how much compromising of myself was I going to have to do to make that happen?

This is why and when I started thinking "when I move, maybe I'll just give it go with women. I've always been a little curious anyway." But the idea of being with a woman is so so foreign to me that it's incredibly hard to even fantasize about.....or is it?:bang:

 

Thanks so much QBear I sincerely appreciate all your insight and willingness to help me work through my confusion.

I think you're right on all counts. My ex was my second serious relationship with a man, but my first one was basically a joke....we were young, in college, I was career-driven and smart while he was a drug-peddling loser I stayed with for far too long basically out of attachment due to my mom's death. In hindsight, my first ex was much more loving and in-tune to me than my ex husband ever was, but I still wasn't happy because I knew he wasn't right for me in many, many ways.

I guess what I'm saying is, it's hard to assess whether being with a woman is a better option for me given my experiences with men. I will note that, I've been dating a guy as I've been questioning my sexuality....I like him, I'm attracted to him, we get along, share the same interests, etc etc. But alas, I'm about to move and I know he's not right for me, which is probably why my desire to experiment with women hasn't gone away despite his presence in my life. There have been a few times recently I even caught myself wishing he was a woman when we were having sex, but I chalked it up to all the lesbian porn I've been watching haha

---------- Post added 3rd Sep 2015 at 03:21 PM ----------

We sound sooooo much alike! I never lost the crude, rough-around-the-edges tomboy personality either, but I eventually stopped rebelling against my mom and found a balance that suits me.

While I'm not even close to concluding I'm a lesbian or any other label for that matter, I can relate to feeling terrified of "actually being a lesbian. with other lesbians" wholeheartedly, too. I just don't understand yet what that fear is really rooted in.

As for the masturbating, when you said "I have to wonder if that wasn't because I was subconsciously afraid of pleasuring a woman, even if that woman was me"....I had never thought of it that way, thank you for that insight. I'm a little older than you, but I think QBear is right about what he said earlier about women hitting their sexual peaks around 30. I've definitely noticed a spike lately, and I find it interesting how my desire for women has coincided....