Hi EC! I guess I should start off by saying that I'm 19, a girl with no sexual experience, and questioning. And I'm almost definitely overthinking things, but this has been going on for so long I think definitely need a second opinion or few. Or maybe someone else saying "yeah you sound gay/bi/etc" will kick me into gear. I'll do my best to keep my obsessive overthinking relatively organized. I've had crushes on both guys and girls in the past I think (I don't get crushes often), but they've been different. In the case of guys, I'm usually on my way to being friends with them and then start to think "do I like them???" and about a week or so later decide that I wouldn't want to date them and everything goes back to normal. I stop being awkward (talking about weather but not much else) and stuff and we can get on with the friendship. With girls, the crushes tend to last longer, and then become pretty awkward (for me) because I'm too chicken and confused to do anything about it. I can swing wildly from being uncharacteristically chatty #tryingtoimpressher to being quiet and awkward and no eye contact depending on the situation. I've been asked out by guys, but I can't tell if the intensely uncomfortable feeling comes from my personal issues about dating or about it being a guy who asked/tried to kiss me (pls don't I don't know you that well). I guess now's a good time to mention that I don't really like guys touching me past a handshake or a high five or maybe a shoulder tap. No brushing of knees, no shoulder touching, no wrist grabbing, etc if it can be helped. I've never been asked/approached by a girl like this, but I'm not uncomfortable with normal contact or the friendly contact that I don't enjoy with boys. (Although girl crush #3 hugged me very unexpectedly once and where I normally would have freaked me out, it ended up sparking my interest in her.) I don't know if this is because I associate boys with sexuality and this makes me uncomfortable or if I just DO NOT WANT them in this way. And on the subject of physical contact, ect. I might have a minor fear of pregnancy/getting pregnant. I find male genitalia a little off putting and, again, is it the association or the DO NOT WANT aspect? And I know romantic attraction is important too, but when I see myself in the future I don't really see anything except me and a bunch of dogs. I'm so confused I can't even see a life partner, although I kind of want one. I'm not in any way against being gay, personally. I'm afraid of how people will react if I am -- or even down the line if I decide "hey I'm not gay I'm bi (or even straight idk)" because I hate the idea of contributing to the stereotype that college lgbt+ girls are only going through a phase... I mean I know I'd be fine if I knew for sure, but I don't. And also I feel like the only reason I'm thinking about this so hard is because of the current lgbt+ visibility. Like, if I lived 70 (or whatever) years back would I have gotten happily married to a man without even thinking about this? Or would I have ended up shunning that sort of contact? I don't know. I tend to be easily influenced, and don't want to be a trend follower (not quite what I'm looking for but the best word I'm gonna get) in this particular instance. (And then there's the anxiety about the smaller dating pool but that's a whole entirely different story for possibly later when I maybe have some of this figured out.) Anyways, thanks for reading if y'all got this far lol. I know a lot of this is irrational/irrelevant but I'm feeling a little better just for putting it all down in words. What does this all sound like to y'all? Any advice? (short of ask someone out b/c I think I need to go in a certain order, just personally) Yup. That's all I have (for now). I'm sure I'll remember more inane thoughts on this subject later.
These thoughts remind me of some I've had before coming out to myself... Especially the living alone with dogs part! If you feel ok with it (which, thankfully, you seem like you could be) try living life in the mindset of "I'm gay" and see how it feels. Allow attractions to happen, and take note of how authentic and personal they feel.
Wow it almost feels like I could have written this Especially when it comes to the future. When I see myself in the future it is in a apartment with a cat... But I have also had guys liking me, but I never liked them back and don't like them touching me either... But you can say I am very close to my girls best friends with hugging, touching and sitting close together. But I don't, I am questioning as much as I can and try to not rush and hope that time will sort my thoughts out. I mean eventually I have to have a real crush or fall in love
I did pretty much exactly what foxconfessor said; I tried out the "I'm gay" mindset for a week or so, just going around as I normally do, but casually always thinking, "I'm a lesbian." When my parents would tease me with something like, "Just wait. Your husband is going to be just like Homer Simpson," I'd laugh inside, and then think to myself about how I'd sooner have a wife than even a boyfriend, let alone a husband. This sort of "test run" really helped me confirm my sexuality. I now consider myself gay, or "homoflexible" (gay with an open mind). But I'm not going to tell you who you are. You have to do that.
Thanks for the input y'all. I've been trying what you suggested and, while it doesn't feel at all wrong, it doesn't feel perfect yet either. I think I'll have to stick with it for a little longer before I really hash things out! But I definitely feel better knowing that I'm not alone and that I have a game-plan now.
