I'm really feeling confused and like trash at the moment. I know im atleast bi but I think I may be homoromantic or lesbian (because even tho, yes, I have had crushes on guys, I'm not comfortable with an actual relationship). But the problem is that I've never actually had a proper crush on a girl close to me. I have like celeb crushes on Kristen Stewart or cara delevigne and stuff and I have a crush on this lesbian girl at school who has no idea I even exist. Because of this, I really question my love for girls. How can I be sure I really like girls if I haven't had a proper crush on one? My bi friend says she has a crush on these girls in our friendship group (pretty much most of them at one time or another) and compared to that I feel fake. I'm just so picky with girls. Ughhh I don't know. I feel so FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE AND I CANT STAND IT SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE IM FORCING MYSELF TO LIKE GIRLS AND DISMISS BOYS BUT AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL LIKE ITS REAL I CANT TELL WHETHER I WANT TO BE WITH THE GIRL OR BE THE GIRL ITS ALL ON MY MIND 24/7 AND SPEAKING TO MY 'BI' FRIEND JUST MAKES ME FEEL WORSE AND MORE CONFUSED AND I QUESTION MYSELF EVEN MORE BECAUSE I KEEP COMPARING MYSELF TO HER. AND I FEEL SO HORRIBLE BECAUSE IM ALWAYS QUESTIONING HER BISEXUALITY ANDWHETHER SHE REALLY IS BI OR ITS JUST THIS SUDDEN PHASE SHE HAD AND THESE 'CRUSHES' SHE SAID SHE HAD WERENT REALLY CRUSHES AT ALL. IM SUCH A BAD PERSON BECAUSE I HAVE NO RIGHT TO DOUBT HER. JUST BECAUSE SHE'S NEVER SHOWN SIGNS OF BEING ANYTHING OTHER THAN STRAIGHT AND SHE DECIDED SHE WAS BI AFTER READING A SMALL MAGAZINE ARTICLE AND HAD NEVER EVEN THOUGHT SHE WAS BEFORE THAT DOESNG MEAN SHE ISNT REALLY BI. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I QUESTION HER. SHE WAS THE ONLY PERSON I COULD TALK TO BUT NOW I DONT FEEL LIKE I CAN TALK TO HER ANYMORE, SHE COMPLETELY DISMISSES MY THOUGHTS THAT I MAY BE LESBIAN I FEEL LIKE THE ONLY BI OR LESBIAN GIRL WHO HASNT BEEN 'IN LOVE WITH THEIR BEST FRIEND' I JUST KEEP COMPARING MYSELF TO HER. IM JUST A MELTING POT OF QUEER CONFUSION GOING CRAZY MAD INSIDE AND SHE DOESNT EVEN QUESTION HERSELF AT ALL. ITS SO STUPID THAT IM PROBABLY JUST A JEALOUS IDIOT. UGHHHHH
I understand your position. The easiest advice would be to just focus on yourself and less on her, but that's easier said than done I'm afraid. By what you've said, I don't think you're forcing yourself to like girls it could just be that none of the girls at your school take your fancy. Your friend doesn't seem to be doing much help and (as harsh as it sounds) maybe you're right to question her? If you want a label the nearest would be homoromantic (as you like girls) bisexual (find both are attractive? Up to you!) Sorry I can't be much help~ Just keep on feeling, good luck
I can relate to this so much; most of what you said sounds like stuff I’d been saying for almost a year. I’m also fourteen, “at least bi,” picky, and crushing on a (possibly/hopefully) queer girl who doesn’t know I exist. I have been waiting for so long to see a post like this, a post that basically described my situation (but now I’ve settled on a label and intend to stick with it until further notice). Perhaps I might be able to offer some peace of mind. You said, “My bi friend says she has a crush on these girls in our friendship group… and compared to that I feel fake. I’m just so picky with girls.” You shouldn’t compare yourself to your friend, sorry to sound like such a mom, but sexuality is a self-perceived (note not self-chosen) identity, and it varies person to person. Your friend’s idea of being bi might not be the same as your idea of being bi, which might not be the same as my idea of being bi (I consider myself a lesbian by the way, but again, that’s just me). Also, people have “types,” traits (physical, intellectual, emotional, psychological, etc.) that they find particularly attractive in people. Your friend might say she has crushes on girls in your friend group because they’re her “type,” but maybe you haven’t found that many people who you would consider attractive in that way. For instance: I value intelligence over ignorance, wisdom over intelligence, sense of humor over being well-read, and I prefer girls with a quirky, almost hipster-derived style to the more mainstream depiction of femininity. After all of that, there are about three girls (out of the thousand or so at my school) that I could see myself possibly falling in love with. In other words, it's okay to be a lesbian and only be attracted to a small percentage of girls/women (or being bi/pan and only attracted to a small percentage of people in general--imagine how emotionally draining it would be to crush on EVERYONE). Now referring to the part where you started the all-caps, I also totally feel the “sometimes I feel like I’m forcing myself to like girls and dismiss boys, but at the same time I feel like it’s real, and I can’t tell whether I want to be with the girl or be the girl.” I started thinking this way much more recently, and I’ve been questioning for about a year. I’m still sort of stuck on that one, but I’m starting to see the nuances between my role models and crushes. I actually started a thread about it, if you’d like to check that out. I realized something while I was writing it: I don’t aspire to be like the girl I’m crushing on. But also, it's natural to admire people in more than one way (ie. another girl I sort of like has a strong personality, and I've always been sort of under-confident). I know this is easier said than done, but don’t overthink whether it’s genuine infatuation or the so-called “girl-crush.” When I stopped flooding myself with would-you-rather questions, it was easier for me to see that I do like girls. If I find myself checking out guys, it’s usually to see if would ever be interested in a relationship with one, and then I’m like, “eh.” Lastly, don’t let your friend tell you what your sexuality is; she has nothing to do with it! If she keeps dismissing your thoughts, ask her why. “Why do you say I’m not a lesbian?” I hope this helps, one way or another. PS. Sexuality isn’t totally decided by crushes; keep that in mind. It’s more of an instinct, almost. Who do you see yourself with in the future? PPS. I'm not trying to tell you who you are and who you aren't. Just keep your mind open.
