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Should I stay or go? I feel so conflicted!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by grungeteen, Sep 3, 2015.

  1. grungeteen

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    I have a boyfriend, my first boyfriend and it's like my mind is tearing itself apart on what I should do.

    I really think he's so cute and i have feelings for him, I always daydream about kissing him and stuff. This is all in theory.

    Once it's in real life, I just feel so awkward, uncomfortable and wrong.

    ️I am just so confused. One minute I just want to stay with him, the next I feel like I should break up with him because it just isn't right.

    I really want a girlfriend and for some reason that just feels more 'right' and I would be a lot more comfortable with being with a girl.
    But at the same time, I want to stay his girlfriend and I don't want to let him go (slash not prepared to let him go and be 'available'). My feelings about him keep changing and I don't know which side I should go with.

    I wish I could just get over him. I'm never going to get myself a girlfriend if I a,ready have a boyfriend- also it's unfair on him that he has a girlfriend who's not fully committed or sure she wants to be with him.

    I know I should break up with him.

    But he's so damn cute and amazing.

    My best friend has been no help with this because she is very biased (as she had feelings for him and probably still does even though she tries to act like she doesnt).

    Help???
     
  2. grungeteen

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    Can someone please reply??
     
  3. QBear

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    Feeling awkward around a boyfriend can be normal, but feeling uncomfortable and wrong are signs that it might not be a good relationship for you.
    Can you tell me more about why it feels uncomfortable?

    So it sounds like there are several competing thoughts/fears you are expressing. Here's what I'm hearing:
    1) You feel you would be more comfortable with a girl.
    2) Your scared of being alone / not having a partner.
    3) Your scared of never getting a girlfriend
    4) Your scared of hurting this boy.

    Regarding point 2:
    I know there is social pressure to have a boyfriend at your age, but you need to remember that you are only 14, and that middle and high school relationships are not typically that serious, and that you have your whole life to have serious relationships. Furthermore, being alone is a good thing to get used to. Many of us spend a significant number of years alone before we find the right person, so it's good to get used to it now. In fact, a lot of times, there is significant personal growth that can only be done when you are single.
    Regarding point 3:
    You may be correct that you won't have a girlfriend for a while. Gay and lesbian dating is not easy in middle and high school. But that is okay. Its better to be single than to be in a relationship that isn't right for you. And, if you do meet a girl that you like and who is interested in you, I can tell you that it's a terrible feeling to be in an unhappy straight relationship that prevents you from fully exploring that attraction. I know from experience.

    There's more to say, but that's what I have for now.

    I can't tell you what to do, but I'd say, follow your heart and intuition.
    And it sounds like that might be breaking up with this boy.
     
  4. grungeteen

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    I feel so uncomfortable with him (only when we do anything other then like talk as if we're only friends or something) especially when we hug or something, it doesn't feel right if you know what I mean. I tense up every single time he touches me. I don't like admitting to people that we're going out, I don't like saying he is my 'boyfriend', that word, it feels wrong for me. I really enjoy him as a friend, he's a great listener and I can go to him and tell him anything. I used to think I wanted more (I was absolutely crazy about him) but once it actually happened, it didn't feel like it was supposed to.

    I feel all this things but I still have a crush on him, I don't know how I'm going to get over him when I do break up with him....
     
  5. foxconfessor

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    I can totally relate to your struggle. I've accepted (not still without a good deal of sadness) being fully gay now, and I know it's going to take time before I get over my last male crush. Even though it was all hypothetical, I do genuinely like him so much as a person - really, the best person I've met so far in my life. But I know (and probably always knew) it wouldn't work in reality because of his gender. It breaks my heart, especially since we are so perfect for one another. The thought of him eventually moving on with this life with me not in it feels sad but inevitable. But I can't ignore my true feelings - I can't ignore that I can't instinctively and completely feel for him the way I could for a girl. I can't ignore the weird, jarring feelings I get whenever anyone implies something is happening between us. How false it would feel to say I love you.

    I know it's difficult, but if you haven't broken it off already, I'd suggest doing so. Try the gay label instead of bisexual. See if it fits. Sometimes you might feel awful about it, sometimes you'll feel it to be profoundly right, and potentially the only route towards true happiness. It goes round in circles, but hopefully one day it'll feel alright. Best of luck to you.
     
  6. grungeteen

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    @foxconfessor I'd come out as gay but no one would take me seriously or believe me (every my best friend) because all my life I've acted and been very open about boys I find hot and stuff (and I still do find boys hot, I just don't want a relationship). I would really like to 'try the gay label' but everyone would just think I'm some confused liar.
     
  7. BlueKitty

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    Be true to yourself. Forget about everyone else in the equation. You say you feel more comfortable with females, but right now it sounds like you are really uncomfortable all the way around period.

    Lots of people are cute and amazing, but we don't commit to being with them ONLY because they are cute and amazing most of the time. There are far more important factors like compatibility etc. In the end ONLY YOU KNOW what you need to do.

    One of the most uncomfortable emotional states to be in is undecided. People often refer to it as "being on the fence". Think about that for a minute. You're sitting atop a fence with one leg on either side. OUCH! Doesn't matter that it's an emotional state. We compare it that way because it's emotionally like having the pointed top of the fence bruising the place you usually like sitting on something more cushiony. And it hurts until you pick a side and get off the fence. (metaphorical or not)

    It almost seems to me like you are keeping him the way an art collector keeps a painting. And if you are, okay. But own that you've collected this guy temporarily. And maybe the analogy will help you decide if what you really want is to be a people collector or if you really prefer having a relationship with a human being who isn't just an interesting piece of work that you can't help appreciating but can't really be comfortable with. No judgement either way. But it seems to me you're saying you would rather have some comfortable aspects to your relationships that this one isn't giving you.
     
  8. foxconfessor

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    Sorry, I meant more for yourself in your head. I haven't come out to friends and family either but I'm sure some of them would raise the same questions, maybe even saying I'm bi or whatever, but honestly, so what if they do. They don't live inside your head, they don't know any better than you. The worst thing for me now is keeping up the charade, it feels more and more jarring every time they talk to me as if I'm straight. For that reason I'd recommend coming out sooner rather than later, but you don't have to bother if you don't think the people you know are mature enough to accept and understand you.
     
  9. xxCHAOTIC

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    I've been dating boys since I was your age. I just broke up with the man I've been living with since I was 19. I also just now, at 24, came out as a lesbian. And so far, no one has questioned me.

    Society pushes us to be straight SO MUCH it's hard to tell the difference between finding someone hot because you do, or because everyone else does. I know I can still look at a guy and go "yeah he's really pretty and really attractive" but when it gets down to it, I don't want to be with a man like that. Friends, sure! Most of my friends have been guys. But it's girls I feel like I can have those feelings for. And I'm just now admitting that to myself at 24 years old. You being able to recognize that at 14 is a beautiful thing.