Hi, I'm 25 years old male, and i thing that I'm gay. This thought scares me. I found this forum searching internet for answers after few days of coming back here and reading some posts I found the courage to ask this community for help and advice. Its hard to grasp all my felling and thoughts and change them to words especially because English isn’t my native language, but I will do my best. At first I wanna to say that I’m a virgin. I didn’t had sex and I never try to have it. I live in a small conservative town, and I don't know any gay person. To this day I was only in one relationship (with a girl) and even that one last for few weeks. It was my first time kissing, hugging, spending time close to someone and it wasn't as emotional I thought it should be, but I was happy and it was first time in a long time I felt that someone loves me and cares for me. She broke with me... via facebook... she wrote all the cliché sentences: “it's moving to quick”, “i'ts not you its me”, “you are a nice guy”, “lets be friends”. After few minutes of tears and a few angry days I was over it. When I think about this I realize that I wasn't as angry with her for ending it then for the way how she had ended this relationship. All that happen 3 years ago and since then I was thinking of going back start it over again, but I feel that it isn’t because I love her. I think that the only reason for it is that I wanna be loved.... I don’t remember a day when I had a crush. I never fantasize about having sex with a person I know or I seen in real life. All my wet dreams were based on scenes I seen in tv or internet. Normally I watch male-female porn, intentionally avoiding same sex porn. But after reading some post I found that some people start with feelings they have watching it. I know that this isn't a good way to do it but it gives a start. I found gay sex more appealing. I realize that when I watch “normal” porn I give more attention to the man then the woman. When I thing about which woman I find attractive I have nothing specific, but when I thing this about a man I have a clear picture. I prefer big hairy men with black short hear and a beard, and I tend to watch porn with them (until yesterday with female). Recently I start to imagine myself in a relationship with a man. Having his protective arm over my shoulder lying my head on his chest. Coudle to each other. Those thoughts scare me... I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't wanna to talk with my friends and family about it. But I need to figure this out....
Hi! It's okay to be scared. Give yourself time to figure it out. You have come to the right place for people to talk to, many of us have been in a similar position to you or experienced similar feelings. Would you be able to put into words what in particular scares you? You might find that just talking about it will help. Your English is excellent by the way and I had no problem understanding. :icon_bigg
What I'm afraid of? I'm afraid of the reaction. I don't have a lot of friends and most of them are male. I live in a community where there aren’t many people admitting to have different orientation. What will my family and friends think about me if I admit to be gay. Will they accept the “new” me, or they will just disappear from my life. I'm afraid that I will be a disappointment for my dad. A bigger then I’m now. I'm not a fan of sport, cars and other manly stuff. We don't share a son-father moments anymore and when I see how happy he is with my sisters husband talking about all that stuff that they both like and I'm not in to it (sports, cars, fishing etc.) I'm just sad that I don’t share those moments with him. I'm his only son and thinking about all the joy he wont have with his grandchild cause I wont be in relationship with a woman hurt me inside. I would like to talk to someone I know but I'm afraid it wont stay only between us. I just know that if I talk to my sister about this she will talk to my mum (and probably to my dad). She would do it to make it easier for me (she did it already with my other problems). Similar reason is with my only close female friend. If I stared to talk about this with her there is a possibility of her husband (one of my friends) stumbling on our conversation. I'm not ready to admit that I might be gay and let my friends to know that I'm questioning my orientation.
