Hey guys, A few months ago, my best friend came out to me as gay. Ever since, he hasn't stopped asking me if I'm gay and almost all of my friends are just waiting for me to come out. I used to say 'nope, I'm straight', but I've started to say with 'I'm not sure' out of confusion. I'm the perfect example of a stereotypical gay male (very feminine, little to no male friends, obsessed with musical theatre and my appearance), so I can see why many people just assume I'm gay. I've questioned my sexuality a lot in the past, but since I'm getting so much more support from my friends then I ever thought I would it's gotten much more intense and confusing. I grew up in an extremely Catholic family and attended parochial school for 9 years (later switched to a non-religious private school) and I've always been taught that if I were gay, I'd be a disgrace to my family, I'd go to hell, etc. Even though I identify as Catholic I don't view homosexuality as a sin anymore, since most of the bible is put out of context after 2000some years. I've never had a girlfriend (or a boyfriend for that matter), and even though I've had crushes on girls I'm not even really sure they were actually 'crushes.' I find myself attracted to both sexes but in completely different ways. I do watch porn, and it's mostly gay porn (I think straight porn's boring). I'd love to get married and have kids someday, but I honestly can't see myself getting married to a man (maybe because same-sex marriage is a relatively new idea to me). I don't really know. It's either one of these three situations: A) I'm actually straight, I'm just questioning too much and I have yet to find a girl I like B) I'm actually gay, but I'm won't come out because I'm afraid of rejection from my family C) I'm actually bisexual, but I won't come out because people will think its either a phase, or that I'm gay and too afraid to fully come out Where should I go from here? Will I eventually figure it out? It seems to me like this is never going to end.
Based on the way you're making it sound, it sounds to me like you're gay or at least predominantly gay (Kinsey scale 5-6). My family was never terribly religious, but my parents were homophobic -- and that affected my sexual identity a lot, to the point where I sobbed after the first time I kissed a girl. It was very confusing to me for years -- I knew I had sexual feelings toward both men and women, but I didn't want that to be true. I wanted to be straight. I wanted to be 'normal'. I'm currently working on moving out of my mother's house, to another state, and I will keep my personal affairs private in terms of her. I don't want to look for her, or to anyone, for validation of what makes me a person or what makes me happy anymore. As I said, it took quite a long time, and cliche as it sounds, discovering yourself is quite the journey -- but in the end, so long as you end up living the way you want to, not the way OTHERS want you to -- that is a beautiful thing.
Let's put all the labels aside. (*hug*) It's hard to tell when you're trying to make yourself believe something vs when you actually believe something. But I think the questions that should point you in the right direction are Could you see yourself happy with a guy for the rest of your life -- emotionally and sexually? Could you see yourself happy with a girl for the rest of your life -- emotionally and sexually? Starting by answering those questions to yourself will at least better guide you in your journey.
