To successfully transition from being certain you're straight to being 100% gay

Hey ConfusedDude!

You are definitely not alone. I was around the same age as you when I first truly started questioning my orientation. I had lived and gotten married as a straight female, because that was what people do, right? From an early age I was well "aware" of the fact that anyone not meeting my father's standards was "going to hell!"

I really started to question things in college. At the end of my first year I had a number of friends (Yay for Fine Arts departments!) come out to me as Gay or Lesbian before they did everyone else, and it really got me thinking about the whole LGBTQ world. At the beginning of my sophomore year I had a friend come out as trans. Helping her find out who she was, even a little bit, really opened my eyes to my own past and upbringing.

So I questioned myself. I knew I had feelings for women. I knew I loved my then bf, (now husband). I pushed things away because I wanted so badly to be accepted by my family, and I just plowed forward in my life.

About 2 years ago I finally stopped wrestling with myself about who I am. (so that's at least a 8 year journey just to come to terms with myself.) I accepted that being bi wasn't being lazy, or confused, or a closet lesbian like many people told me.

The biggest thing that snapped me into accepting myself was coming out to my husband. He just rolled with it, asked if it changed anything between us, and then informed me that he loved me regardless. Aside from some awkward questions that come from him every now and again (he has very few LGBTQ people in his life) he has never changed in his treatment of me. His acceptance made it possible for me to quit second guessing myself and settle on the bi/pan label.

 

Let me take a crack at this and start by confirming what you already know, this will be a journey. The journey will be comprised of various components and will not come in any particular order. Be patient, as the saying goes, Rome was not built in a day. There is not time limit on how long it might take on your journey. But you might want to start with the assumption that the journey really never ends. So, off the top of my head, to work things out you will encounter the following issues (and I am sure I am only covering a very small portion of them, so hopefully others can add to this):

1. Fully accepting yourself;
2. Becoming comfortable in your own skin, having confidence in yourself as a gay man, releasing any internalized homophobia which may exist;
3. Exploring the physical and sexual side of being gay. Defining what you like sexually, what you do not like, what makes you tick;
4. Figuring out what type of person your into. What characteristics, both emotional, intellectual and physical attributes turn you on;
5. Determining what type of life you want to lead whether it be with someone, or alternatively living independently - no right answer here despite what others might say;
6. Establishing how being gay fits into your broader life goals - family, work, extracurricular activities, religion. For some, it defines them, for others, its just one part of whom you are;
7. Figuring out the gay community - understanding the "Scene", career minded LGBT, family minded LGBT: charitable LGTB, political LGBT, and recognizing that the community is whatever you want it to be;
8. Getting your hands around LGBT society perceptions, developments, setbacks; and figuring out where you fit in;
9. Managing through family issues when coming out. On one extreme, the issues can be significant, and on the other, they may be a non issue; and
10. Recognizing that LGBT comes in all shapes and sizes, personalities, attributes. Whether it is Masculine, feminine, Butch, Drag, Camp, Flamboyant, dull, ordinary or even undefined, to name just a few. They all make up the rainbow. And understanding where you fit in on the rainbow.

Finally, as already stated, have patience. Some of the above you may work on chronologically, others you might be able to do simultaneously. Although I have summarized, each one can then take pages of additional explanation. And, in reality, the critical path is continuously evolving and developing.

Wish I had such a list when I first came out to myself!

 

That's literally how I found out lol I was laying in bed and at like 1 AM I just realized I thought guys were hot back in January this year... ;P my friends had been asking me if I'm gay for years so they must have a good gaydar lol. It took me about 5-6 months to accept it. I went through the homophobia stage and pissed off one of my friends because his cousins a lesbian and I said some pretty rude stuff at lunch one day about gays. (At least I know he'll accept me when I come out lol)