I am a 25 year old openly out gay man. I have known this guy who is 22 years old and has identified as bi-sexual since he was 18 years old. His bi-sexual side is completely closeted and very few know. We have been friends for over a year now. To be honest, the "friendship" started at first just being mostly physical. As time went on, we got to know each other more and it started turning to something more. Throughout the time I've known him he seems to be on and off with different girls. Then he will go through phases of always wanting to hang out. We both acknowledged we had a connection when we hung out and also with the physical side. I would even argue there was a romantic one. Over time, he def started getting more and more comfortable and started doing things that crossed the "friend zone" side. (Back rubs, cuddling, etc). A few months ago, I asked if he would ever considered dating. He dodged the question and we didn't see each other for a while. We met the other day and he said he met with another guy a couple times, but it wasn't anything meaningful. Still confused, I asked him what his deal was? In regards to his sexual orientation in hopes to understand more... He said, "Bi. I love messing around with guys but have never liked a guy romantically." Next I asked him if he liked messing around with guys or girls more.... He responded, "It honestly depends on the day. Girls more often than not but sometimes I just gotta have sex with a man." That all made sense with his history that I've known him. The question though is he actually bi-sexual or gay? I went through a similar experience... I came out 3 years ago and started doing things with guys like 8 years ago. For the longest time, I thought I was "bisexual" and thought these urges to get with men were just a phase. I never really wanted to "date" a man, I just wanted the physical part, or a discrete guy friend. I still dated women and tried hard to make it work. I too had romantic feelings for the women I dated, however, the physical attraction was not there, like it was for men. I dreamt of settling down, marrying a women, getting house and having kids...."The American Dream." But after a while, I realized that my "American Dream" was going to be different one from the majority of society. It took me a while for me to accept this, but now I can't wait to settle down and have a family with Mr. Right So back to the first question...is he actually bisexual or gay? Is he mentally holding back romantically feelings toward men because he is afraid of them? And potentially losing that "American Dream" he also said he wants with a woman? Is he like me (and many other gay men) ideniftying as bisexual before identifying as gay? Personally, for some gay men... I feel identifying as bisexual is the mid-step before identifying as gay. It's like your accepting your feelings toward men...but also holding on to your straight idenitiy and the security of having a "normal straight life". I could be bias because I am gay....so could any please explain what they think? Nevertheless, I am not going to stir him my way. I will let him figure things out himself.
No one but he can know the answer to that question, and I don't think he even knows at this point. Is there a possibility he's gay and not ready to accept it? Definitely. I'd say that's a good possibility. What you're describing could easily be an example of bargaining along the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). But it's also quite possible he's genuinely bisexual and coming to terms with what that means. The best thing you can do for him is give him space, be his friend, and let him figure out for himself what's going on.
I def agree with you on this. To expand on your bargaining point...he thinks of hooking up with guys as like a game. That's how he describes it on all these apps. Granted I was in the same mindset when I was closted since I wanted to dodge the potential romantic feelings I could have with a guy. He takes dating girls seriously but the girls never seem to last and always change. (He's vented to me several times of girls who left/cheated on him) I'm def thinking too much into this. It's just so confusing.
