Ok, so: I have always been attracted to girls both sexually and emotionally until puberty. I think I love(d) them so much cause they are also a part of me cause I have a strong feminine side that I learned to be proud of. Anyway, at the age of 11 I started watching porn and my interest in males grew stronger and stronger. I still felt disgust when I imagined kissing a guy or stuff like that, but I wanted to experiment with dicks which I did with a guy from my class when I was about 11/12 and it really turned me on. Still I fell in love with girls and NEVER with a guy. Unfortunately, I had some bad experiences with girls cause I got rejected most of the time (probably cause I was chubby) and also my then best friend (guy) fucked my other best friend (girl) I was in love with. So yeah, I always felt like I was kind of out of place in terms of doing sexual stuff with women. But also my gay feelings got stronger and I was really afraid of being gay. I kissed a few girls but I never liked the feeling (except for one girl but it wasn't a big turn on you know) blablabla I don't want this post to be too long so I'm skipping this part lol. So at the age of 16, I could finally admit to myself that I'm gay. I still struggled a lot with that and how people perceived me, my outward appearance and my self-esteem. Till the age of 19, I never had sexual encounters with men and I think I've also (because I thought I was gay) kind of like ''forced'' myself into some gay feelings (like kissing e.g.). And during this time I also watched a LOT of porn because I felt unloved and ugly and that was kind of my way out of it. Girls didn't interest me anymore, either. So last year, I met this really good-looking guy from ****** and we had sex and it was great. Even the kissing was sooo much better than with a girl. But I also kind of still struggled with who I am as a gay male and I started meditating and I became much more comfortable with who I am as a person which also meant embracing my female side and then my feelings for girls started to come up again, also a little bit sexually. I love girls, they're so handsome and it's so incredibly easy for me to ''fall in love'' with them. On the other hand, I feel this disgust towards guys (like physically) and also emotionally it's harder for me to connect to them. There's never ANY disgust when it comes to women even if they're ugly which is kind of odd. So I came to the conclusion that I'm bi or maybe I'm just myself, I really don't wanna label myself anymore, but whenever I feel like my attraction for girls gets stronger as well as my disgust towards men, I'm sad and think to myself: I wanna be gay, I don't wanna lose my desire for men. And also I can't masturbate to women cause they don't attract me sexually as much as men do. (ok, once in a while maybe but not really that often) Men do it for me, but after jerking off to men, I feel disgust and have this bad feeling. And ugh, idk I wanna have a woman cause they're so awesome and everything and guys kind of suck in a way. I swore to myself when I came out to myself at 16 that I would never suppress my sexuality again. So yeah, here I am, trying to accept those feelings but something always wants to put me in the ''gay direction''. Could it be that I just subconciously know that I'm gay but ''suffer'' from internalized homophobia? I feel like even this post is way too vague and of course I wanna hear: yeah, I think you're probably gay but ugh idkkkk it's confusing Thanks in advance
Hello Cookie1995. From what you write, it does seem that you are more attracted to guys than girls. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to both genders, but if you feel you have a preference, then that's it. Do you think there is a reason that you find guys disgusting? It could be internalised homophobia. May be if you could understand why you find guys repulsivee the way you mention, you could then be open to connect emotionally with them.
I don't know I feel like it's more of a natural feeling. Sometimes it doesn't feel like disgust but rather that I don't wanna engage in same-sex actions. I feel like it's either just what I was taught to think or I'm straight/bi.
Well, you say that you are sexually attracted to guys but still harbour the thoughts of not wanting to engage in sex with them? If that is what you feel, may be it could be because it is just the way you were taught to think, like you say. May be if you could be more open and work on that, that could help you. Have there been any guys that you have emotionally connected with? or that you want/ed to ? If you are inherently attracted to guys then you could very well be bi, atleast.
Yes, it's hard to describe I feel this sexual urge but often times the emotions are just not there. Of course, I have some male friends, but I have a hard time bonding with males in general and when I bond with them, they're mostly just friends to me. I love everything about girls, though, although not in a sexual way. Just recently, I had the feeling that girls could also sexually attract me and I don't know why I don't want that. On one hand, I have this image in mind being with a beautiful, nice, caring woman, someone I can emotionally connect and relate to but on the other hand I'm ''scared'' of it, if you will and then I wanna be with a guy. I also found out -- and this is something I didn't mention -- that this desire for women which came up to my mind rather recently after meditating has also something to do with my inner woman, that I start loving this part of myself.
You mention that when you you feel the urge towards guys, sometimes the emotions are just not there. But have there been instances where you did experience them? If so, how did you feel then? It is understandable of harbouring the idea/image of a woman that you describe, although may be you "don't want" to be with a woman because you feel, in the long run , it wouldn't be something emotionally-physically satisfying? Its great that you meditate to give yourself perspective and calmness and it can do you good. Are you fairly certain that you can't see yourself with a girl? The fact that you say you get a 'feeling' that they are sexually attractive to you but you ' don't want that'... is that because you don't see yourself with a girl? Or just anxiety? Also, appreciating beauty ( sexy, hot etc ) is different from being attracted to someone.
Yes, I did with the guy I had sex with and sometimes when you're outside and you see a nice guy and you look eachother in the eyes or smile and you feel that there is something. But then when I start to think about it, I get this repulsive feeling. I feel like I tend to overthink & overrationalize my feelings sometimes. And I'm always like "how can two guys love eachother?" I seem to get the idea between a straight couple and a lesbian couple, but not between two men. Also yeah I think a relationship with a woman could definitely be satisfying esp emotionally. Sexually it's not something I'm disgusted by but ugh idk it's for whatever reason more of an anxiety feeling.
Yes, I think, like you mention, you might be overthinking to get to the repulsive feeling that you mention. I think if you could work on that, considering you do get the 'look at each other in the eyes and smile' feeling, you could then begin to get more comfortable. You can also then gauge how emotionally fulfilling it can be for you too. That could help you, may be.
What do you think is the best way to work on that? Any suggestions? Maybe I should find the reasons why I feel that way. I remember that when I slept with the guy it felt much more natural to me. Still a few months ago, thosr feelings for women came up to my mind. And how can I distinguish a genuine romantic attraction from normal love feelings that everybody has?
Yeah, you could find reasons as to why you feel that way. May be, just when you realise that you get that feeling, consciously stop yourself from overthinking ( if that makes any sense ). Its very easy to overshoot thoughts. Realise that " I like this guy, I am attracted to him and there's nothing wrong with that" and go with the flow. In terms of the distinguishing, by normal love feelings do you mean affection and care? If so, you can harbour those feelings towards anyone you like(guys/girls) but I think after a while, you yourself will realise to what level you are attracted to the person, in terms of fulfilment that you desire. I'm not sure I've answered that correctly, but I guess that's what I can think of.
