Hi all, I identify as bisexual (although sometimes I think I might be gay as well) and am currently in the process of coming into terms with that and trying to slowly date girls - I haven't before, but I definitely feel I want it now. But what I have noticed that it is difficult for me to look at girls like that in real life; I fantasize about women and fell for one pretty hard (didn't go anywhere apart from a few drunken make outs) but in reality it is difficult to sometimes even be around attractive women. It is maybe because I feel there is no way any of them could ever be interested in me; I have been told I am attractive but I have extremely low self-esteem and see myself as nothing but hideous and pathetic. Also doesn't help that I'm not 20 any more. If I am drunk or high I have no problems flirting with women and approaching them. Does this mean that I am just not OK with my orientation yet? I have lived a straight life all my life. I have never been homophobic towards other people but I am starting to think if I am that towards myself. I have no problems being not straight, yet my behaviour indicates the opposite. Confused.
Hey there, just a quick note. This doesn't sound at all like internalized homophobia. Its more like low self esteem. You don't think your worth is very much but it is actually higher than you could ever imagine.
Don't forget, you aren't really talking about just yourself, but human relationships. No matter what the context, that is a complicated discussion. Give yourself some credit, getting to know people, with our without romantic intentions, can be nerve wracking anyway.. Give yourself some time, you are not yet experienced in the art of meeting people in this incarnation of yourself. I remember the first time someone asked me what my "type" of man was that I was looking for. I had a brief (internal) crisis because I had never been asked that question before (about men) and I felt that twinge of my "old" self who would dodge the question, even to this person who I was out to bang but then I was really, really happy he had asked because I got to talk about guys with somebody :eusa_danc I'm not sure that last example is entirely helpful, but to me it illustrates how I know I will become more sophisticated in my interactions.
Thanks for your topic, I can relate. I have judged myself as well. Its torturous to be fighting with yourself. I have judged bisexuality but thats who I am. Makes it hard to be in my own skin. I think I might be a lesbian too who has stifled myself for too long. Not sure. Well see as the layers are removed! Also I like what this last commentor said about being happy to talk about his preferences with men. I keep thinking thoughts about this girl I really like but have to keep them inside because most of the people around me have no idea. Someday...
I am bisexual as well. For years I identified as gay and recently discovered that I am bisexual. I came out as bisexual at 17 but I didn't feel like my sexual feelings at the time were sufficient enough to identify as bi. In the past few months I have been fantasizing about women and it has been turning me on and I masturbate and get off.
I just realized that its ok however I want to identify and maybe it will change over time like you. I've always tried to be one or the other but I dont need a box anymore. I identify now as "I Love, prefer women." Maybe my HP will reveal more about this.
