To those who identify as gay - Relationships.

I dated several women before realizing/coming to terms with being gay. It was considerably different than dating guys. Straight relationships have certain norms and expectations. Plus women are more inclined to want a proper relationship, so it's rarer to find in men because we're simply wired differently.

The basics of my relationships with girls & guys have all been kind of the same. You hang out, go to family dinners, have long intimate conversations, support each other, etc. What was entire different was how people view you out in public. I'm out & don't have an issue with public displays of affection, but I would be lying if I didn't feel a bit self conscious about holding a guys hand or kissing at the mall. With girls, that thought never crossed my mind.

 

As guitar has mentioned, I too feel the same way about holding a guys hand or kissing them in public. For the only girl I was seeing for a short period, holding hands and whatnot made me blend in, so to speak.

On the other hand, If I hold a guys hand, I feel as if I'm trying to show off and advertise to people that I'm gay, something that I'm not comfortable in doing. I've only seen one same sex couple hold hands from where I live, so there's no doubt that most gay couples don't show their affection for whatever reason.

I have to separate my mind from the relationship I thought I would have to the relationship I will have.

Be open to what a relationship can be, not what it should be.

 

I haven't had a relationship with a guy yet, but I know that in all my relationships with women, I've always felt like I was playing a role. Stereotypical gender roles of the guy being the protector and stuff like that just never have suited me. I'm a hard worker, I work a 70 hour week, 7 days a week, I do anything to provide for my kids, but at the end of the day, I want to be one held in strong arms and told everything is gonna be alright. I feel out of place when that is who I'm expected to be.

Well, now I guess I am enforcing gender roles too with that statement. More aptly I should say that I would want a more masculine guy I supposed given that I have a more delicate (didnt wanna say feminine) mindset. God........trying to be politically correct is exhausting.

 

I don't know what I identify as. I do know, that if I were to be in a relationship with a guy, I would not have any sexual contact, which rules most guys out. For girls, I feel slightly more romantic attraction as I do to guys and when I am old enough, I would have sex.

 

I identify as pretty much a full out lesbian, though when I used to imagine my future, I always imagined it with a guy. I think some guys are very attractive and kind, and I sometimes feel like I would feel more comfortable with a guy, but since I'm not sexually attracted to them it would probably be quite unfair to actually have a relationship with one.

 

My perspective may be an unusual one, but it might offer some insight too. For most of my life, I identified as female because that's what I was told to be. The entire time I was in a relationship as a female, I felt like I was trying to live up to the role society put me in, and that I didn't fit the role. It was very uncomfortable. I would privately talk to my boyfriends about breaking gender norms and I tried to restructure our relationship in a more equal way (which is more common in same-sex relationships). I would insist on paying my half on dates, or being the one who pays the bill, or holding doors open for them and being the big spoon when cuddling, and I prided myself on being as "not stereotypical-female" as possible. But publicly there was a lot of pressure, particularly from boyfriends' families, to play the part of the dutiful house-wife-to-be with cute clothes and perfect hair, who will take care of their son just the way their mommy did. (insert internal barfing here) All the "So, when's the wedding?" and "How many children do you want to have with my son?" and "Oh, you're an excellent cook! Son, you need to marry this girl quick!"

A year ago I met my fiancé, who is pansexual with a HUGE preference for guys (he publicly identified as gay for years). The fact that I still identified as a girl did nothing to hinder his attraction to me as a person, and largely because I didn't follow the "straight relationship" expectation. I didn't wear make up or fuss over material vanity, I was into video games, I never insisted on him paying for things, I never acted submissive or demure or like my PMS was the end of the world and an excuse for getting away with murder, I had no issues making tough decisions or taking control of situations, don't want kids, don't care about the BS materialistic side of marriage, etc. Pretty much all the female stereotypes are none-existent.

The thing is, I didn't have to be a trans guy to feel those things. I think the fact that I am a trans guy just allowed me to feel more comfortable breaking the expectations of others, but that just gave me motivation to think outside the box and anyone can have that kind of motivation. I know there are women out there that also don't follow the stereotypes and roles of a straight relationship and feel internally creeped out when people insist that the size of the diamond means how much he values you, or if you pay for a date you're devaluing yourself as a woman, or you have to make him earn you if you want him to respect you... even if it's a minority. If you are more bi/pan-sexual, you may find it easier to be with men just because society generally trains women to be annoying as hell (in my opinion!) but this dichotomy that "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" doesn't need to exist. Being put in a role that you don't fit in will always be uncomfortable, whether you're male, female, gay, or straight. Being expected to act a certain way because you're gay can be just as uncomfortable as being expected to act a certain way because you're straight, but more often than not the hetero-relationship expectation is what is pushed on people.

I guess, just don't try to put people into boxes, and don't assume that every girl is going to be the same. No matter what you label your orientation, the most important things is to fall in love with the person, and don't let genitalia be a restricting factor in your judgment of others. Trust me, if you love someone there's always a way to make sex fun, fulfilling, and mind-blowing, no matter what equipment you were born with or what gender you identify as, as long as you communicate your needs and have an open mind.

*disclaimer* This isn't to say that you can turn a gay man straight or any bullshit like that. Just saying humans don't always fit into boxes or follow the expectation of a label. Don't let expectations and labels hold you back from happiness.

---------- Post added 13th Sep 2015 at 02:12 PM ----------

Oh! And on a side note that is related to some of the other comments, I also experience more hesitation to show public displays of affections now that I identify and present as male. When I was presenting as female, I never thought twice about holding my boyfriend's hand, or even kissing in public. I felt invisible, like others didn't even bat an eyelash. Now, when I am out with my fiancé and trying my best to present as male, I feel like everyone is staring at and judging us. It's not only uncomfortable, but sometimes it can even feel scary. I've seen videos of people physically assaulting two men for walking down the street holding hands. This world is really messed up some times.