Hi there, This is my first post on EC so I thought I'd try and ask for help and support regarding one of the biggest issues which is affecting my life... intense denial and shame surrounding the fact that I'm gay. In advance, I apologise for the life story, but I feel it's necessary to go into detail beforehand: Ever since I can remember I've always been romantically and sexually attracted to the same sex, all the way from primary school up to adult life now, but denial and shame of who I am (a gay male) has accompanied that fact for just as long. It all started in primary school, where everybody starts to get told by their peers and wider society what is 'right' and what is 'wrong', and that's when I started to feel that my attractions to those guys in my class, that the thought of liking to be intimate with some of my closet friends, were something to be ashamed of and shunned, and to feel ostracised like that is devastating, therefore I unconsciously denied those feelings to make myself feel 'better' all the way throughout my school life, but obviously I felt the exact opposite. At times, even now, I feel suicidal because I think I shouldn't be gay because it's not what my friends and family expect me to be, even though a big part of me (albeit hidden) feels such a desire for men. I've only ever been attracted to women in a platonic way, even the prettiest ones, but there's plenty of men that I feel so much more deeply about. My attraction to boys became so much stronger in secondary school, especially in P.E. lessons which were separate for boys and girls. Plus, with puberty and stuff like that happening at that time as well, my feelings were all other the place, sometimes becoming unbearable because I'd feel so strongly about a particular guy in the changing rooms but 'know' that such feelings were unacceptable and just me being 'stupid' and 'deviant'. I literally hated myself and as a result, to try and convince myself I was straight and 'macho', I hated on the entire LGBT community in return, branding them as 'disgusting', 'unnatural' and a lot worse. That's how deep my denial, shame and self-hate was during school, and it's only been within the last year or so, that repressing my sexuality has become so mentally exhausting that I've managed to partially accept that I'm gay. So what's the issue now you may ask? Well I'm no where near as self-hating and disgusted at the idea of me being gay as I was when I was at school, but after 3 years out of school and in work, I still feel ashamed of who I am and I still deny my sexuality when, on the odd occasion, friends ask if I'm gay (coz I've never had a girlfriend and I'm a virgin). Also I really like this guy that I'm friends with at work, and that adds to my constant shame of being gay because I think he's straight, and although I'll never tell him how I feel about him, it makes me so sad pretending that I don't feel anything towards him when I definitely do. Quite often I still try and deny that what I'm feeling is real, because I'm soo scared of the feelings I love... I hope that makes sense I know I'm gay deep down, I know that without a doubt, I just don't know how to tell myself that it's ok to fully accept it :help: I would really appreciate any advice or support anybody would be able to offer me in order to help me make progress and destroy this malicious mindset for once and for all. Kind Regards, mrbuddha123 (&&&)
Well, let's see here... As far as accepting being gay: a) Being gay harms no one. It takes no food from their mouth, nor money from their pocket. b) It's all very well to like/want family and friends to approve of you, but they need to approve of you as you are, not as they expect you to be. You cannot live to please other people nor should you predicate your happiness on living up to others expectations. You are an adult and your life is your own. And other people can either accept you as you are - or they will not get to have the honor of having you in their lives. That extends to family and friends both. c) Gay people really do nothing different sexually than straight people do - they just do it with two people of the same sex. All the blithering about sodomy ignores the fact that sodomy means oral and anal sex. And I flat guarantee that nearly every sexually active straight person has done at least one of these things, and probably thought about doing the other. A significant number of straight people do them both. So, meh to sodomy laws. d) Biblical arguments carry no weight with be since I'm an atheist. But even so, I would point out that the Bible is full of all kinds of laws against things that most people do every day without a second thought. So the whole nonsense about gays is just an excuse to justify their own discomfort over the idea of two dudes going at it. Or maybe how turned on they get at the thought of two dudes going at it:lol: e) Would you agree that people should be judged on the content of their character? Your orientation has nothing to do with the content of your character. Lots of straight assholes out there - they don't get a pass just because they are straight. So why should anyone be bothered about someone being LGBT if they are otherwise a nice person? As far as the guy at work - Don't think of him in terms of all you can't have. Think of him as showing you what you are looking for in a future boyfriend. Hope this helps and take care (*hug*) Todd
Hello mrbuddha123, thanks for coming to ECs. You will find people with similar experiences and who care about you. I loved reading your story because I could relate to it 95%. The only difference is, I did not consciously know I was gay when growing up. I am going to try a different approach. I'm going to suggest you read a few books - fiction, written by gay men. I've read the books I'm about to suggest to you and each of the stores has helped me accept myself. (credit: the books were suggested to me my another ECs member who is openly gay.) So why the books. They create a "POSITIVE IMAGE" of whats it's like to be gay. (Boy Meets Boy is more along that lines) Simple, right? Ya but guess what. I bet you have never been given the positive image opportunity. I'm going to ask you to help me. (you can write on my wall) How is it you know you are gay? What does it feel like? And at what age did it all start? Later a) Openly Straight Amazon.com: Openly Straight (9780545798655): Bill Konigsberg: Books b) Boy Meets Boy http://www.amazon.com/Boy-Meets-Dav...&qid=1441981830&sr=1-1&keywords=boy+meets+boy
Hi there, first and foremost, I would just like to thank you both for taking the time to read my post, and I really appreciate the great advice you've given In regards to what you said in your post Todd, I couldn't agree more! All five of your points are extremely helpful and they really do help clear up what I've been doubting and feeling down about for ages! I especially like your point about the whole sodomy issue, as that's what's been bothering me quite a bit... not the idea of sex with a man, but the shame I associate with it, but it definitely helps me see it realistically now and why there's nothing to be ashamed of :icon_wink 'As far as the guy at work - Don't think of him in terms of all you can't have. Think of him as showing you what you are looking for in a future boyfriend.' ^ After working with him at work today, this definitely resonated with me. Thanks Todd :eusa_clap And brainwashed, I'm glad you could relate to my story so well, and I'd be more than happy to answer your questions Tbh when I think about it, your absolutely right, I've never been given the positive image opportunity. I am definitely gonna check those books out, as I'm intrigued to read about this positive perspective, because unfortunately, I've never really thought about my sexuality in very positive terms, but I intend to change that Again, thank you guys for taking the time to reply, and you've both been a great help. Take care (&&&)
