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Who/What am I?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by straightbutgay, Sep 14, 2015.

  1. straightbutgay

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    Hey, I'm new here as am I to the serious thought of perhaps being gay...

    Me and my boyfriend (only one I've ever had) have been together for close to three years and of those we've lived together for almost two. Before starting to date him at 20, I was a virgin and had never really craved sex with a guy, or with a girl for that matter, but I thought that that was only because I was a virgin, so how could I "miss" something I never had? I don't seem to remember having had any serious crushes on boys either... It took months for me to warm up to the idea of having sex with him while he was getting more and more frustrated with me, and once it happened, I felt that something was missing or that it wasn't really what I thought it would be. Furthermore, all throughout our relationship it has always been him that has initiated sex and the longer we've been together, the less we've had any (I think he's tired of being the one to make the move or something).

    Thinking back to my teenage years (I'm 23) and even further down to my childhood, I think I've always noticed girls/women more often than guys when it comes to looks and attractiveness. I also remember getting these "rushes" of thoughts that what if there's something different about me (the young me not really knowing what it meant to be gay and not wanting to even think about it), but quickly suppressed those feelings. Then there was the occasional guy that I liked having around, which made me feel straight and "normal" while living in a small town, where you never saw any gay people. It's the same with my current boyfriend: I like spending time with him, living with him, cuddling, and even kissing, but the sexual tension or connection is definitely missing. The thought of us breaking up makes me super sad and, more often than not, bawl my eyes out, but at the same time it just doesn't feel 100% right...


    What I managed to put together seems very scattered, but that's the best I can do right now; I feel super anxious and just want to get some opinions from others on my situation! Also, it seems pretty obvious that I'm definitely not straight now that I see some of my thoughts written down...
     
  2. KaelTail

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    Just want to throw this out there. Have you ever considered you might be asexual? People who are asexual can still feel romantic toward other people (sometimes homoromantic or heteroromantic, or even biromantic), but they don't feel a sexual attraction. They can even find people aesthetically attractive (beautiful) but they just don't want to have sex with them, or don't feel a need to have sex.

    On a side note, I kinda frown on your boyfriend getting pushy about sex with you. If you are asexual, or if you find that you are gay, it is not your fault and not something for you to be made to feel guilty over. It is also not your responsibility to cater to his sexual needs if you aren't feeling it and it's wrong for him to pressure you like that. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. If he gets mad or leaves you over something like that, he wasn't worth it. Find someone who loves you and understand that you have needs too.
     
  3. straightbutgay

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    Thanks for your reply!

    Yeah, I have considered the possibility of me being asexual, but it doesn't feel right either. Although, I haven't done a whole lot of research to see what the concept of asexuality entails and how far it reaches; I've only read a few articles and experiences of others and based my thoughts on those... I do get the feelings of wanting to have sex and try my best to act on those, but I'm an extremely anxious and often shy person, which leads to me not doing anything to show it to my boyfriend. With my anxiety comes also the worrying about anything that I do: am i doing this right, does he like this, what if I'm not good enough. However, I can't really see myself living completely without sex so there's that...

    Whilst trying to figure out my identity, I've been watching some porn, both straight and gay, and I find myself enjoying the videos with female couples more and they have raised my curiosity towards lesbian sex and whether that would be something I would actually enjoy. Moreover, dicks kind of scare me, to be honest. :grin:

    It's just hard because I don't really know anyone that's gay, only know of some in my town, and there's isn't anyone/a community to relate to...
     
  4. jemand

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    What you described sounds asexual.
     
  5. Really

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    Hey there. All your confusion is completely normal for someone questioning their sexuality. (I'm not sure why people keep reading others as asexual. It's very rare and you don't sound at all asexual to me.)

    What you are feeling/experiencing is just the beginning of figuring out what's what with you. As you read around here and post questions or even just put down your thoughts, things will become clearer. I assure you.

    Looking back, I can see I had fascinations for certain girls as I was growing up but no actual crushes on any one. It never occurred to me to think of anyone like that. I never sought out attention from boys and girls were always something a bit foreign to me. I don't come from a repressed background or anything like that. My parents were happily married and the romantic endeavours of us children just never came up as far as I can remember. So no pressure either way.

    I tell you this to to show that someone who's had an even less sexual history is not asexual. Not in the least. Your history has nothing to do with it. It's how you feel that matters.

    Anyway, as you stick around and get to know yourself a bit better, I believe you will start to be able to spot the other girl-friendly girls around you. Because I assure you, they are there. :slight_smile:

    Welcome to EC. :thumbsup:
     
  6. SnowshoeGeek

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    I did have early experiences with women so my attraction was clear to me. But another factor for me was that I didn't have an orgasm until I was 24 and already divorced once... Then another marriage/divorce with no orgasms with him. Until I had orgasms with a partner I had total indifference to sex. Not sure if that could be a factor for you but for me it was a life-changing realization.
     
  7. MindvsHeart

    MindvsHeart Guest

    Based on what you've written, asexual best fits the description. And to be clear, you can be asexual and still enjoy/have sex. However, I found this link with a bunch of terms used in the ace community and perhaps it could help you out.
    Anagnori : Words and concepts used in asexual communities

    You know, being anxious and shy about approaching someone on the topic of sex is perfectly normal but I feel that having clear communication on it is very important. You should never feel inadequate or unsure and your partner should never feel like they have to second guess either so really try to push yourself. It doesn't have to be a formal conversation but setting that foundation will set you both at ease. :thumbsup:
     
  8. straightbutgay

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    Thanks everyone for your input! I'm gonna have to check out the link with the terminology, but this definitely stood out to me:
    I've never got a vaginal orgasm and only a few clitoral ones during oral sex...
     
  9. KaelTail

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    Statistically, it's fairly uncommon for women to orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. If you think about the anatomy, that would be like trying to make a guy orgasm from mainly stimulating his scrotum and never even touching his penis. It is possible, but not all men can do that. The best way to have orgasms reliably, for most women, is by clitoral stimulation, whether you're straight or gay, and whether your partner is a male or female.

    Unfortunately, there seems to be a majority of men that don't know this, mostly because they were never taught about it.

    Maybe try explaining this to your partner and see if he'd be willing to be more proactive in helping you find release. If you aren't being properly pleasured during sex, that can lead to a disinterest in sex.

    It might also explain a preference for lesbian porn, since it's far more likely to show clitoral stimulation than straight porn, which is usually all about the man receiving pleasure. It's been said on this forum in other posts, but porn tends to be a poor indicator of orientation. How you feel when you are around people face-to-face is what matters. That's not to say you're not a lesbian, but it doesn't necessarily mean you are one just because you like lesbian porn.

    Another possibility is, because you are shy and worry about what is expected of you, the pressure from being expected to perform could be making it harder for you to enjoy yourself. That kind of anxiety can be a little tricky to overcome, but practice makes perfect.

    I'd suggest first trying to learn your body really well by exploring yourself. Find what feels good in an environment with no pressure. Then communicate what you learn to your partner. A huge part of enjoying sex with another person comes down to communication and being active in reaching your needs.
     
  10. CapColors

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    God bless this response, every word!