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Why I'm still confused and not yet out

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jemand, Sep 15, 2015.

  1. jemand

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I have watched dozens of videos on YouTube from gay men and gay women about how they knew they were homosexual and not anything else.

    There seemed to be a unanimous agreement from those homosexuals that they "only saw themselves with" people of the same gender (in terms of whom they would like to marry and spend their lives with) and only felt "butterflies in their stomach" for people of the same gender (or sex).


    This confuses me a lot because I've only ever felt the "butterflies in my stomach" feeling for women and had crushes on women (I am a man), and even to this day I feel awkward and shy when having to speak to girls I'm attracted to (I feel no shyness or awkwardness talking to males), but yet the female body does not sexually arouse me as much as the male one does.

    I have no doubt in my mind that the male body sexually arouses me just by looking at it in its aroused state. It totally does. The female body is not nearly as arousing to me just by looking at it, even though it is easily way prettier to look at, and I find myself looking at it a lot. But it doesn't give me a boner like looking at an attractive, unclothed male body does. With females I have to be romantically attracted to her before I'm also attracted to her body sexually. In fact, the two seem to go hand-in-hand for me.

    With males, I seem to lack romantic attraction and only feel carnal sexual attraction, detached from any sort of "love" aspect.

    With women, my arousal stems more from romantic feelings and desires and sexual fantasies related to having sex with a woman I am in love with. Casual sex with a woman without any romantic attraction would not work for me at all, as I just couldn't see myself being into it without some sort of romantic attachment first -- or subsequent romantic attraction formed from the initial sex.

    As well, a romantic relationship with a man.. I feel like that wouldn't work at all. I struggle to see myself being into that. I've never met a man, especially not a gay man, whom I felt I could be attracted to in a loving kind of way. But I feel like I could enjoy casual, no-strings-attached sex with a man very easily.


    When I think about my future and whom I would like to marry, I have always thought about women. I am 21, and this has never changed, even now that I am honest with myself about my sexuality (which I have been for a few years). I struggle to see myself with a man, as I've never been romantically interested in any man I have ever met. And I have met a lot of men. They just bore me. I always feel like we have nothing in common. Their personalities are not sexy at all.

    With women, it seems the reverse. It's like an instant connection. We get each other. I could easily see myself spending the rest of my life with one. With just one issue. . . . I'm more aroused by men?

    When bringing this up with others, I'm always met with really belittling answers like "why do you have to figure it all out right now? What's the rush? Don't label yourself!" blah blah blah.

    What do you think?
     
    #1 jemand, Sep 15, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2015
  2. heyKittie

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    To me it sounds like you are sexually atracted to men and romantically to women. If this is true, you could consider your self bisexual, or some other sexuality similar. Some people don't use labels though, there's not always a need to use them. Good luck on finding out though :slight_smile:
     
  3. UniqueJourney

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    It might just take a special individual to trigger both your romantic and your sexual sides at the same time.

    Something else you might consider is being involved in some kind of poly relationship. I started thinking about this perhaps a year ago because my gender identity and sexuality are both very complex and I don't see how any one person could ever satisfy every aspect me. I feel like no matter who I might be with in a monogamous relationship that I would always have some part or parts of me that would feel hollow and unmet. I don't personally go for casual flings, but I do dream about someday having a fulfilling polyfidelitous relationship.
     
    #3 UniqueJourney, Sep 15, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2015
  4. terezy

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    It's funny because I'm actually in the exact same situation as you (except I'm a girl, so flip all the genders). I really wish I could give you some advice or help but I just wanted to let you know that there is someone out there who understands how you feel and I'm here to talk if you want to :slight_smile:
     
  5. jemand

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    Well, I am so sorry that you have to go through the same thing, because it honestly sucks.

    But thank you for letting me know I'm not alone (*hug*)
     
    #5 jemand, Sep 16, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2015