I... want to be gay..?

First off, I love your avatar.

I saw your thread title and I was like, "this is totally my situation" but after reading your post, I don't think I mean "I want to be gay" the same way you do.

I have been questioning for almost a year, and now I'm starting to think that "gay" is the closest thing to describe me. The "I want to be gay" part comes from me being fed up with the little "what if"s I have occasionally... "What if I'm sort of attracted to guys?" "What if I end up marrying one?" And I've started thinking that "gay" for me is just an umbrella term for "lesbian with insignificant exceptions," among other things. That's just the way I see it, though.

I don't think you wanting to be the first LGBT person in your family should be a factor in your actual orientation; it doesn't reflect who you are attracted to, or how you feel.

I can't really relate to a lot of the points on your second list (ie. I haven't had a crush on a guy since fifth grade, and I don't think I completely understood the concept of crushes at the time), but I can tell you that just because you had feelings for guys in the past, doesn't mean it's not possible for you to be a lesbian. Sexual orientation reflects how you feel and who you are attracted to NOW, I've been told on this site repeatedly. There is some debate to whether sexuality is fluid/ changes over time or not, but I won't get into that.

However, I totally feel your #5. There are different types of crushes, and it's hard for me to tell if they're friendship crushes or love-related crushes, role model crushes, etc. One of the things that can help tell a romantic crush apart from others is: would you be jealous if she got an S.O. that wasn't you?

Lastly, I know it sometimes feels like you're forcing yourself to be gay. Heard of compulsory heterosexuality? I think there's a rarer, but not nonexistent, form of compulsory homosexuality.

I mean, we're human. We just want to fit in somewhere.

 

Haha, apart from the watching Glee thing that's pretty similar to me.

To start with I thought I was straight, then realised I found girls attractive, then realised I could crush on girls, then realised I mainly only crushed on girls, then questioned if I could actually date a guy again (which is where I'm at now. I don't think my orientation is generally set that way, but I think that there could be rare exceptions)

If you're just in the beginning stages of figuring it all out and you are gay, then you might follow a similar pattern, or if not maybe you're straight/bicurious/bi.

As for your list... here are some things to consider :icon_wink

"1. I fantasize about girls all the time"

Maybe consider in what way, romantically, sexually, emotionally?

"2. I sometimes amagine myself as a guy (not trans; but with a girl type of thing)"

Yeah. I kinda get this. It's weird, but I think a result of hetero-normative conditioning. So many love stories are male/female in the media, so when you think of a romantic situation with a girl something in your brain automatically goes "but relationships are between girls and guys". Super weird. It doesn't happen anymore.

"3. I'm always having to remind myself not to look at girls in the locker room"

Because you're admiring them/wished you looked like them, or because you feel attracted to them?

"4. I don't like the idea of being intimate with a guy and it's difficult to call someone my boyfriend"

Yep. Super get this. I feel so much more comfortable talking about a girlfriend than a boyfriend. It feels weird. Like I might be talking about a relative or something.

5. The idea of having a girlfriend seems exciting

I think this is pretty important. Because if you were straight you might find it weird, or gross, or... eh.

6. I ship gay guy couples SO HARD XD (KLAINE FOREVER)

YES. Haha. But I think that a lot of straight people do too, but there is also something relateable in shipping same gender characters that gay or bi people get.

1. I don't think I get as excited with lesbian couples on tv shows as I do gay guy couples..

Same. Mostly. Unless they are characters who I really like individually without the shipping.

2. I used to have crushes on quite a few guys (zac effron, chris pine, darren criss, some guy from House Of Anubis.. well 2 guys, and a dude from my school..)

Same. What sort of crushes were these? Could you actually see yourself dating any of them now/before? Or did you just find them attractive/even aspire to be like them? How would feel about imagining any of them as your boyfriend now? Happy, butterflies? The thought of kissing them? The thought of kissing a girl crush in comparison?

3. I used to have non-sexual (just romantic) fantasies about guys but those have mostly faded

Same. This is another hetero-normative thing, or it could be an indicator that you were into guys, might still be a bit, and might be bisexual, or just holding on to being 'straight'. Or are you just not interested in anyone (girls included) romantically right now?

4. I still find guys attractive, but idk if I'd consider a relationship with them..

Yup. Would you consider a relationship with a girl? What about the most attractive, ideal guy you could think of? Would you date them? Or would that ideal, most attractive person just be someone you would really want to be a girl?

5. I'm not sure if I'm developing crushes on girls.. or just want to be friends with them.. and idk if that's bcuz my sexuality is "changing" (I mean I'm finding it)

Could be. Friendship and crushes are often hard to tell apart, and often you want to be friends with your crush :rolle: Asking yourself the other questions might help out with this one a bit. If you start feeling attracted to your friends/want to kiss them/date them/call them your girlfriend that could be a big indicator that you may be interested in girls, and definitely not straight.

Hmmm, back to the Glee thing, I don't think things can really change your orientation but they can help you realise it. It's good that you have such a positive view on the LGBT+ community. However, if you're worried that the thoughts of being gay or bi are forced just try and keep them in the back of your mind after processing some of the replies on here and looking into it a bit. Try not to focus on it tooooo much. Have crushes on whoever you want, whether they are male or female or another gender and see what feels right inside.

I wish you all the best!! (*hug*)

 

I can see how this makes sense. For me, too, it would end the questioning, and provide a handy explanation of why my relationships with men turn out weird... The constant fantasizing about women feels like a good indicator of preference, at least to me. Sometimes I feel like the only way to break out of "heteronormative" thinking in myself is to abandon heterosexuality altogether. Not a political statement but me saying, I honor my own feelings and I reject society's message. But I'm still questioning, so... just thoughts.

 

maybe your bi? your still young and discovering what u like and what u dont like. Maybe just roll with it and see what happens. I wouldnt worry about trying to put a label on urself.
But if you do end up being gay, then at least its what u want! a lot of people have a battle with themselves over coming to terms with themselves.

 

Well, it sounds like you might like girls (too?) if kissing and a relationship seems right Maybe it will become more clearer once you date a girl and you'll be able to tell if you're still interested in guys. Just don't force a relationship with anyone if it doesn't feel right.