Hi all, first off, I am very glad this forum is here. I am a 35 year old male student, struggling with life. I am going through a major breakup with a girl, where I have being doing a lot of soul searching, trying to understand myself better. In this process, my sexuality has come up. I know coming out is unique to each person, and a list of behaviors does not necessarily mean one thing or another, but I wanted some input in a safe and comfortable place....so here it goes. I've questioned my sexuality for a while. My first sexual contact came when I was 4 or so. It was with my brother and his bully best friend, and I don't remember much, but I do remember them trying to putt it in my butt. It turned into something I never talked about until a few years ago with my brother, and it was a good conversation, he would be supportive. It is fair to say I have had guy crushes, nothing sexually, but I would say I was emotionally invested in what they thought about me, and I got hurt when they didn't want to hang out, or made other plans. I always had something, maybe attraction to other guys in high school, and several of them turned out to be gay, some didn't. I had a string of sexual relationships with guys in middle and high school, mainly fooling around with the hands. I did try more, but did not like it. I remember one guy trying to kiss me, and it turned me off. Still does to think about now...kissing another guy. One of the guys i was fooling around with, never penetration, ended up messing around with other guys on a boy scout thing, the other boy told, and it turned into a pretty dramatic ordeal. I remember having to explain stuff to my parents, even though I was not involved with the instance that raised the uproar. I remember feeling shame from my mom if I did happen to be gay. I did entertain my family when I was young as a Madame...but never thought much of it. I tantrumed once about a raccoon purse, my mom bought it for me, then I never saw it again. I messed around with guys when I went to college, but got busted once, and never did it again. Ive played it off in my head as "I simply like to get off with a person." I did become really close to a guy friend in college, and tried to sneakily touch his member, but I was very cautious about it, and embarrassed. He was and is straight, but a lot of my gay friends in college would chastise him about his in mine relationship. This was also a time when I had just lost both parents. I have always felt different than other guys, my dad was not manly, and neither are me and my brother, its something we had to learn. I have always been in constant fear that someone might think i was gay, and ask...and i honestly don't know what I would say. Its embarrassing if I am repressed, but it is also embarrassing if I am gay. I get along great with gay older men. Sexually, I watch a mix of porn, I imagine both guys and girl. In the past 7 years, I have searched for guys for mutual stuff hand stuff, never actual sex, but I do think about oral stuff on occasion with a guy I am attracted to. I didn't mean it to be this long. What brought this up recently, and whats always been a question to me, is that I have been in a string of relationships, where I've never been invested, but never really felt like I loved the girl. I get mad when they don't want to have sex, Ive never been very confident. This last one, I became verbally abusive of her, and after the break up, Ive realized I loved the fantasy of her, but I never really loved her. Its an emotional time for sure, because for two years, I was convinced I did, but would then erupt in anger. Since the first time a girl cheated on me, I have been very jealous about my girl getting with other guys, assuming they would, but sometimes obssessing about the other guys...maybe I was jealous of the girl? I am concerned I am repressed because, and not just bi, because of how I treated this girl and my past...I was non-empathetic to what my words were doing to her though multiple break-ups. Ive never felt I was good enough. I have never been hateful to anyone, but in college and high school, I did use the term "gay" to call something stupid. I know that I probably should go on a date with a guy and see what it feels like, and even though no one has ever asked me directly, I have lived in fear that someone might ask me, and reveal the truth that I am gay, or reveal the truth that I think I am gay because of my repressed past...if that makes sense... Being gay has been a constant fear of mine that has never really left, hence her I am. I would appreciate any thoughts...or maybe someone went through something similar in their coming out. I am open to the being Bi, and I understand that too, but I also kinda feel like there is no in-between...though I obviously have an attraction to both....Thank you for reading...and I look forward to hearing your comments.
Seeing as I took all the time to read this through, I suppose I have to respond now... Romantic feelings can sometimes take a while to develope. It seems to be that you've been experimenting quite a bit sexually, but have you ever been in a solely romantic relationship? Try things casually, for instance. Go out with a friend. It doesn't have to mean a binding relationship, and it doesn't have to mean sex. Just try the relationship scenario, I guess. Don't rush into things either. Wait until YOU fall in love. It'll be less confusing... Nevermind more confusing, but for different reasons. You'll know when you meet the right person.
Hi DogMan1TX -- welcome to the forums! I've just read through your post, and I relate to many of the ideas/feelings you've expressed. There are many people here in the same boat (including me) in terms of trying to settle the lingering question of sexuality. The main difference I see between you and me is that you've had many more intimate experiences with women and men, and your experience of sexual abuse at a very young age. You didn't elaborate much on how that inappropriate encounter with your brother and his friend affected you and your views on sex and intimacy -- this might be something important to explore and talk about with a trusted person. I can relate to your description of mixed feeling about guys -- being turned on by imagining some things, but turned off by others, like kissing. I wonder too whether that means I'm straight and only 'curious', or if it's a sign of deeper repression or socialization with hetero norms. I feel similarly about there being "no in-between" as well. While I know that true bisexuality exists, it seems that it is often a stage that people pass through on their way to understanding themselves as predominantly gay. Perhaps at this point, it is best to avoid labels (that's what I'm doing), and rather just describe how you feel. Is there a confidential counseling service at your school? That might be a helpful, safe and supportive place to talk about this with people face-to-face.
