Hi all, I am fairly new to this site and I have already found it so eye-opening and supportive. I have identified as bisexual for a long time, as I have had sexual contact with both men and women for the past 35 years. My only childhood "playing doctor" episode was with a group of girls. The person I considered my "first love" was a girl. But my sexual experiences with women have been short-lived (not by my choice ever.) My long-term relationships have been exclusively with men. I had monogamous relationships until age 30 and then I engaged in an open relationship for about 15 years where I was able to explore women occasionally. I lost interest in sex in all the earlier relationships with men after just a few months, but that also coincided with my not having orgasms with them. So the relationship that allowed me to sleep with women, also provided sex with orgasms. I am not sure if I'd have been happy there without the freedom to be with women. So, several things overlapped for me and I'm not sure how to identify my sexual preference. I have been reluctant to just say "I'm bisexual" because it feels... not serious I guess? I have lived so many years, decades, looking at and fantasizing about and falling in love with women, and yet my actual life doesn't represent that at all. I don't know if I will have another relationship at this point, male or female, but having space from my past relationships is helping me hear myself think. This may sound crazy, but it was when I just started watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix a few weeks ago, and Alex reminded me of the woman I fell in love with in high school. And couldn't stop thinking about the whole woman-thing, remembering my past experiences, fantasizing, feeling envious of women who had other women in their lives. All the men I have had good relationships with, and still consider friends, are totally aware and supportive of my bisexuality. If I told any of them I was a lesbian, they'd say, aww, phooey, no more sex with you? But not judge me. My female friends, who seem to be exclusively single with little interest in men, might very well be closeted themselves, for all I know. But I value their friendship and I don't want to clutter it with weirdness or confusion, because a nonsexual relationship feels like a very safe place to me. I value those safe places. My question is, for women (or men, if you relate!) - if you identify as lesbian, was it a switch flipping, did you always know? If you had sex or relationships with men did you call yourself bisexual? If you ever called yourself bisexual did you ever decide you were simply lesbian at some point? If you have a huge past with men does that affect whether you call yourself lesbian? And, does the current state of your relationships affect how you view yourself? If you are not in a relationship at all, does that affect how you view yourself? I ask these questions because I think I have felt so much social pressure, and pressure from men, to be heterosexual, that I can't always hear what is in my own mind, or I don't want to pay attention to it. But now that I have zero dependence on a man anymore, and I am free to do as I wish... I honestly don't know if I ever want a man in my life again. I know some people of different persuasions maybe don't think bisexuality is a thing, though I haven't heard any negativity about it on EC. If it is a thing for you, how can you tell the difference between if you are bisexual or lesbian, if you have had sex with men? Ok, I think I have exhausted my quota of questions for one post!! Thanks... :icon_bigg:smilewave:help:
Huh, I dunno. I guess, you could still have romantic attractions to men. Just not sexual? Honestly I haven't experimented enough to know my sexuality completely. I'm attracted to girls. I'm attracted to guys. I'm attracted to everything in between or... Not in between. But I'm a virgin, so I guess I don't REALLY know? Maybe I'm just Panromantic. Anyways, there are lots of things to consider.
Thank you Linus! Would you be able to describe how you see the difference between romantic and sexual attraction? I have heard people make that distinction but I hadn't really thought of things that way before...
I think the easiest way to tell if it's just romantic attraction or romantic and sexual attraction is to think of it like this... When thinking of the person that you're romantically attracted to, imagine kissing them/having sex with them. If you get turned off/weirded out/can't feel anything, then there is no sexual attraction there. But you might still get shy, or flirty, or admire them when you're around them, or even like the idea of a (non-sexual) relationship with them. I experience this sometimes with guys, where there is romantic attraction, but definitely not sexual... Idk how it makes sense :rolle:
My question is, for women (or men, if you relate!) - if you identify as lesbian, was it a switch flipping, did you always know? I don't identify as completely lesbian, but lesbian leaning, so there wasn't really a switch-flipping but after I realised I was at least bi it made me realise that I liked girls more, rather than guys. That was over about roughly a year or so, but I've always suspected my girl crushes, just suppressed it. If you had sex or relationships with men did you call yourself bisexual? I called myself 'straight' :lol: Now, I don't call myself anything, I just crush on girls and very, very occasionally guys. If you ever called yourself bisexual did you ever decide you were simply lesbian at some point? If I do, that would be if I felt no attraction or pull towards guys in a romantic/sexual way at all. If you have a huge past with men does that affect whether you call yourself lesbian? No, I realllllllllllllly don't think so. Your brain can suppress so much of your real orientation it's scary. So many people have different backgrounds too that just push them into a hetero-normative relationship, and with all the heterosexual relationships in the media it can really confuse people. I didn't even think, up until my 20's, that any of my same-sex attractions could be valid. And, does the current state of your relationships affect how you view yourself? ...A little. I'm single, but have a massive crush on a girl, so at the moment I definitely feel more gay^^ If you are not in a relationship at all, does that affect how you view yourself? Yeah, it leaves more doubt that I maybe could be attracted to guys more than I am. It allows me to consider a relationship with them more, even though sexually and emotionally I just wouldn't be as into it most of the time. If I'm dating a guy, the feelings for girls never go away. But if I'm dating a girl, the feelings for guys more or less do. Hmn... I don't know if that helps seeing as I'm not strictly 'lesbian'. Orientation can be super confusing. In the end, I just focused on people that I like, rather than genders. There is fluidity, exceptions, to my orientation. And even though I've only talked about gender attractions in terms of male/female there are all parts of the gender spectrum who I would date. So...ehhh... I do hope you find more comfort in your orientation though, whatever you figure it out to be If you have supportive friends already of you labeling 'bisexual' and you're single then it sounds like a great place to start! All the best (*hug*)
My question is, for women (or men, if you relate!) - if you identify as lesbian, was it a switch flipping, did you always know? I don't identify as completely lesbian at this point. I have too much self-doubt. But when I kissed, really kissed a girl for the first time I did feel a switch flip. If you had sex or relationships with men did you call yourself bisexual? yup. I had sex with men and women before marriage and thought I was bi. I didn't know how much I could enjoy sex/relationships with women at the time I got married or I might not have done it. But then perhaps I wasn't ready to be honest with myself then. If you ever called yourself bisexual did you ever decide you were simply lesbian at some point? not yet...? If you have a huge past with men does that affect whether you call yourself lesbian? It may depend on the person, whether they are uncomfortable with that part of their past or if they choose to acknowledge it. And, does the current state of your relationships affect how you view yourself? Yes. Absolutely. I feel I'm fluid and could go back and forth so I am what I am now and that's all I know. If you are not in a relationship at all, does that affect how you view yourself? n/a
