I use to date this guy 5 or 6 years ago. we remained best friends and he has dated other women since, as have i. We even live together which has been great. but for the last 6-12 months ive been falling really hard for him. I get so excited to come home to him and chat or watch movies and i miss him when hes not around. i have these urges to kiss him and cuddle him. but i dont want to make any moves because I'm terrified of penises. I guess its kinda finny in the way that makes me so terribly confused that i want to cry. I honestly wish he was a woman or that i was bi or straight. but i really cant have sex with a man, it terrifies me. I dont know what to do... I should mention that during my teen years I was homeless and in shelters for 5 years and experienced a lot of sexual abuse from men. I think that maybe if I hadn't experienced that then I would consider myself bi. but i feel sick / have panic attacks / become paralysed when I see penises. I mean i've always been into women, i remember my first crush was a girl. but... im inlove with a boy... and its not going away... i dont know what to do.
Have you been in therapy at all? Maybe it would help you overcome your panic attacks and deal with your abusive past. I'm sorry for that btw. Also, sexuality can be fluid for some people. Perhaps you're not as gay as you thought. If you are attracted to this guy, and in love with him, then I say give it a chance. Don't let labels get in the way of love.
Basically what XenaXGabby said. Hugs to you and go easy on yourself. Give yourself some space to process what you are going through without feeling bad about labels. That being said, I do think that there COULD be a difference between wanting to have sex with him but being scared because of past abuse and not wanting to have sex with him because you are lesbian. I know straight women who are celibate because of the first situation. Someone more qualified than I am (like a therapist or a good friend of yours) could maybe help you sort through that.
It doesn't so much mean she's attracted to men, it could easily mean she's fallen in love with someone that she isn't attracted to, I've been there too. It's very strange and it is indeed confusing. As to where I usually have the reverse, I find some......very few men attractive, but I still can not love them for some reason, I think it's because I know they are never after love, nor do they care about me, my personality, etc.
hi VacantPlanets, I think your comment speaks the most truth for me. I really really love him but I'm just not attracted to him or men in general, for whatever reason. And to the others, thanks for replying, and yes I've had years of seeing psychiatrists and psychologists, and am still seeing a psychologists. Yet i still freak out when i see a penis in the flesh (even just my old housemate walking around naked in a very non sexual way, freaked me out and made me feel sick) so maybe its just something i cant get over. and even if i did get over it, maybe i still wouldnt be attracted to men anyways, who knows. but 'just friends' doesnt seem good enough. i wish i could cuddle him and kiss him, especially when he makes me laugh or hes being really cute. but i really dont want to have sex with him. it doesnt make sense.
