Hey, everyone, So I've been having this kind of friends with benefits relationship with a guy, whom I've known for about 9 months or so, but this only started a few weeks ago, when I began to develop these feelings of attraction. As is always the case with my attraction to guys, I wanted to be sexual, not date (but still be friends). We had a week where we were pretty calm, and then we started to come out of that and ended up being sexual today (we've still only done oral so far; that's another story). As is always the case with guys, it takes me a while to feel comfortable enough to get off from them (no matter how hard they try). We were more or less keeping it secret, but he told me that he told his roommate about it (I'm friends with him, so I'm not concerned about him knowing). But then about 15 minutes after he left, I felt this jarring, uncomfortable feeling, and a bit sick to my stomach, and I kind of wanted to cry. I couldn't/can't understand why. This seems to happen with my previous pseudo-relationships with guys, too. It just seemed to affect me worse this time (I don't normally feel like crying or sick to my stomach, just jarred). I have several hypotheses, but I'd like other people's opinions. My hypotheses: The fact his roommate knows made it feel like it was a real relationship, and it creeped me out. The whole idea of being romantic with guys feels wrong, and when this was basically kept from everyone, it didn't feel romantic, just platonic, and that was fine for me. This would also explain this issue with other guys, because I really felt this especially after knowing someone else knew about it. I felt used because he left more suddenly this time (timing issue; long story), and I wanted to talk after. The issue with this is that it doesn't explain why I felt this with other guys. I want a romantic relationship with him. But then whenever I think about it, it feels weird. But a part of me just wants to believe my attraction to guys is the same as a straight girl's attraction to guys is. I really want to believe that I just haven't met the right guy yet, but then I think, why is it that whenever I find myself attracted to a guy, I only picture us being sexual, and only want us to be sexual? And why did I never understand why people dated until I accepted/acknowledged my attraction to women? I'm not super attracted to guys, but I find the first couple of times really exciting in an adventure kind of way (hence all the adrenaline), but once it cools down, it feels wrong. I don't have too much experience with women, but everything felt so natural with the one girl I was dating (which had to be paused 3 weeks in because I'm away for a few months). It could also explain why I have such a hard time thinking about a specific guy in my sex fantasies, but I find it easy to think about a specific woman. But then I don't understand why I would be attracted to him (and turned on by him, or at least his actions, at times). I'm not romantically attracted to guys, but after the energy and excitement of the new attraction wears off, it starts to be overpowered by the meaninglessness of it (even when we're still friends), and it makes me crave a real relationship, but not with him (or any guys). It would explain why I have been feeling so strongly attracted to women the day(s) after/between when we get physical. Help! Thank you. Edit: As for how I'm feeling right now, I'm thinking I need to talk to him, but I want to hear other people's ideas about what I'm feeling. Right now, I just want to be totally chill friends with him again (of course, this whole thing has brought us closer), but earlier when I was feeling all sick to my stomach and what-not, I wanted to avoid him. I'm not sure if I want to be sexual again. It's hard to say.
